me: J, TELL ME you heard the one about the woman who delivered her own baby by Caesarean.

J: I haven't heard that one. That must have hurt. Why did she perform her own Caesarian?

me: Get all the goss from here.

J: I like the way she tells her kids to fetch a nurse AFTER she disembowels herself.

me: I like the way the doctor said she took three small glasses of hard liquor.

J: Let's face it, though. A casesarian section should only be carried out by a trained expert, ideally in a clinical environment.

me: You're not going to volunteer, are you?

J: I like to think that what I lack in technical expertise I more than compensate for in enthusiasm. And cutting implements.

me: You know when my sister in law had her third c-section, the doctors used the scar for her previous ops as a guide. When I heard about niece #4 having injections in both her legs when she was 6 weeks old I almost fainted.

J: I thought they could grow babies in test tubes now or something. Why are people still having babies by these medieval methods?

me: Test tube babies are a thousand bucks a pop. And then they get implanted so it's another medieval method really. I studied all this in RE. Only I forgot most of the religious views.

J: So a test tube baby doesn't grow in a test tube?

me: Nope. It's 'created' in a petri dish.

J: You know, now I come to think about it, a test tube would be too small to grow a baby in, wouldn't it. If they were that small it wouldn't hurt so much giving birth.

me: I remember when we went to see niece #4, age 2 hours. A trolley was being wheeled past the delivery room, and the woman on it was wailing. It scared the hell out of us. Even made us quite sick.

J: I cannot believe that up until three minutes ago I believed you could grow babies in test tubes.

me: I can't either. I don't know where the term 'test tube baby' came from. I suppose it's the use of the words 'in vitro' and maybe the idea of a baby being created in a test tube seemed much more interesting than a bunch of cells in a glass dish.

J:I think I'm feeling a little bit disappointed that babies cannot be grown in test tubes. What a con.

me: You must have seen that teaching advert with a baby in the giant test tube. It would be impossible to grow a baby in a test tube. Pull yourself together, man. You'll find some other lab kit at Toys' R' Us, I'm sure.

J: It would be impossible to grow a baby in a test tube. Pull yourself together, man. That's the best line I've ever received in an email.

me: All part of my job, innit.