J: This morning, as the bus was rumbling through Saltley on the way to town, a chav girl in her late teens vaulted one of those metal railing fences which nowadays line many pavements to prevent pedestrians from crossing the road where they want to. Her method involved folding her body over the fence at the waist and raising her left leg to put her left foot on top of the fence. She assumed this position apparently oblivious of the fact that my bus was a fraction of a second away from her. The front left hand side of the bus missed her head by an imperceptible distance. The vehicle had mostly passed the girl by the time the driver's reflexes compelled him to sound his horn. The girl stuck her tongue out. If the bus had struck the girl, she would almost certainly have died. The cause of death would probably have been head trauma. Furthermore, it is quite possible that her tracksuited, 1980s-style permed hair remains would have been flung into the road and crushed by traffic. For the remainder of the journey into the city centre, I am conspicuously aware that I have a vague feeling of disappointment.

Do you have greater freedom to watch television in Bradford? Did you get to see that show last night where they tried to turn the spud-faced former Atomic Kitten Kerry Katona into a gentleman?

me: You know, only a few weeks ago, as I got off the bus home, the driver was in such a hurry he drove off too early, and sent me almost spinning round as the bus tapped my shoulder. My dad said 'report the bastard' but I couldn't be bothered.

There are three televisions in this house. I watched Lost yesterday. But there's no way I'd watch SpudFace. Sounds like a character from the Beano.

J: We watched the Kerry Katona show. At the beginning I said: "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." And they didn't. Kerry, here's a tip when mixing among high society in Austria, birthplace of Adolf Hitler: DON'T MENTION THE WAR. You could have cut the silence with a knife.

me: Maybe you should become a life coach.

J: Yes, I'd make a great life coach, wouldn't I. "I have assessed your situation, and decided that, as my old granny used to say, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Now give me my money, I'm going."

me: And then you could have your own TV show on BBC2.

J: Yes, it could be called For Heaven's Sake, Pull Yourself Together.