me: i'm cold. are you cold? isn't it weird. on wednesday i was so cold i figured it must be autumn.

J: Well, I've been thinking how the climate is just right, which everybody who knows me would tell you means that, yes, it is cold.

Overheard at lunchtime, from one of the library's security guards: "I 'ave burger 'n' chips, or kebab 'n' chips, every day." (They're all ex-SAS, you know. That's how they make it look so easy)

me: That's funny. Remember how brother #4 said one of them looks like a character called Swiss Tony? I saw a picture of this Swiss Tony in the paper and it made me laugh.

J: My favourite security guard is the one who I think is called Carl. He has some kind of leg-related disability so that when he walks he looks as if he's doing this crazy, really energetic disco dance. So whenever you see him, even if he's just walking along the corridor to the lavatory, he looks as if he's having a really good time, and that makes me feel happy too.

me: Did I tell you about that asian security guard, and how he's related to one of my friends from school? She won't admit it out loud because she's really embarrassed that he shares the same genes as her. This one time we were coming out of the library and he blocked her path saying 'Where's yer ticket? Where's yer ticket?' Personally I didn't like that t'other asian security guard, the tall one with glasses? (Animal comparison would be bald eagle or maybe a bald vulture. Yes, he reminds me of a bald vulture.) He really annoyed the hell out of me, demanding to see my ID every. single. time.

J: If you mean the bald skinny guy with the glasses, I'm not so crazy about him; he looks as if he's always trying to catch someone out. Is the other Asian guy you mean the one with the moustache and the curly hair, the little friendly guy? I like him, I always smile when I overhear him having one of his animated conversations as I enter/leave. For some reason, I always find myself thinking I'd be pleased for him if he won the National Lottery or something like that. The best security guard story about Central Library has to be the one about the guy with the quiff and the moustache (could that be Swiss Tony?) who was caught having it off with some lucky lady on the premises. I mean. Central Library stirs many intense feelings in me, but I cannot honestly count carnal desire among them.

me: That's gotta be Swiss Tony, innit.

The security here is funny. When I leave at 5 the reception staff have gone and security are there. When I get into work the next morning at say, 8.30 the same guy is still sitting there. Other than that, bo-ring.

You know what got me about the 'little friendly guy?' I don't think I'll ever be able to accept a Pakistani guy calling girls 'bab.' 'Hiya bab. A'right bab.'

J: The female security guard here, she calls people 'bab' too. I try to tell myself it's just a word. But there's something profoundly grating about it. I suppose 'bab' is to me what 'c*nt' is to other people. It's kinda strange how you can type bab and it doesn't get quarantined. BAB BAB BAB BAB BAB BAB BAB BAB BAB BAB BAB BAB BAB. See what I mean? But just one little cu-