J: I was just looking at the BBC personality test. I am spontaneous. I am an 'ideas person'. I am ruled by my heart, and not by my head. And I am introverted. Apparently what this all adds up to is that I am an IDEALIST. Well. That's that sorted out then.

me: I watched some of that personality test on tv. But it looked too boring.

J: The personality test was boring on TV. But online you can do it in a couple of minutes. I strongly urge you to do so. The sense of direction and purpose which I have developed since learning that I am an IDEALIST has changed my life. All I have to do is mooch around the office for a copy of yesterday's Evening Mail and look for jobs in the idealist section, innit.

me: Go on gimme the address. Maybe it will explain why, during this week, the mother seems to start crying every time I walk into the same room as her.

J: http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/whatamilike/index.shtml Hurryuphurryuphurryup, I want to find out what you're like.

me: What am I like? Let's see you try and guess first.

J: Hmm. Well. I DON'T think you would be a counsellor, a go-getter, a leader, a mentor, a peacemaker, a performer, a provider, a resolver or a supervisor. (Bear in mind I have an advantage - a psychology A level, grade D - the human mind harbours no mystery for me)

me: Hmm not sure what to make of that. Anyway. Here you go. I'm a REALIST.

J: That's kinda weird, because I thought you would either be a realist or an idealist. I was quite disappointed to find there wasn't a category for psychopath, though.

me: Number of Double Decker bars eaten today: 2.

J: That's weird, I've gone nuts on Double Deckers. I hadn't had one for years until about a week ago. It's these ones with the nuts in that must have done it. I dunno, I could try to analyse the details all day but ultimately I'm the sort of person who just follows my feelings, I'm spontaneous. In fact you might even say I was an IDEALIST.

me: I'm a REALIST and I'm afraid of change so I'll stick to the original Double Deckers thankyouverymuch.

J: You see, I'm not so uptight as you. If my Double Decker has nuts in it? Fine. If it doesn't? Fine, that's cool too. I just go with the flow. Maybe next time I go to the shop they won't even have any Double Deckers. Maybe I'll get a Snickers.

me: Who you calling uptight? You wanna fight, is that it? Do you?

The thing is, those Double Decker bars with the nuts are Limited Editions, and one day they'll disappear from the paper shop. But by then it's too late for the IDEALIST. Because the IDEALIST will have followed his heart and become very attached to Double Decker bars that come with nuts. And when they disappear, well, IDEALISTS will be inconsolable walking around with this broken heart. Not the REALIST. Cos REALISTS don't set themselves up for such a fall, innit.

Five years I pestered the dad to take us to the Safari Park, and still we didn't go. FIVE YEARS.

J: You are making me laugh.

me: What are you like.