J: At lunchtime I saw a man who looked exactly like Leslie Grantham, followed seconds later by a man who looked exactly like Billy Connolly. Woot!

me: Yeah well. On Monday, at Leeds station, I saw Marilyn from Home and Away, but now she's Louise in Emmerdale, and she was with a guy who plays Matt King. He's also known as 'the good looking one' out of the King brothers in Emmerdale, however if you ever watch him on screen he walks around like a caveman. Actually, they all do. But still, Matt King!

J: You saw Marilyn from Home and Away on MONDAY and you haven't told me till THURSDAY? Holy moly, you could have asked her whether the schoolgirl thing is true. Here I am talking about a bloke who wasn't Leslie Grantham and a bloke who wasn't Billy Connolly and you're rubbing shoulders with actual international superstars. If you see her again, ask her whether the schoolgirl thing is true. But from a safe distance.

Have you seen Sir James Savile yet?

me: What schoolgirl thing? And why a safe distance? She's TINY.

Sir James I imagine will make an appearance at some pivotal moment like the photobooth man in Amelie.

J: It was all over the tabloids a few years ago that she liked to dress up in a schoolgirl uniform and have her then boyfriend spank and cane her, during which she would talk in this little girl voice about how naughty she'd been, etc. It was the boyfriend who had leaked the news. It would have seemed like just another invented/exaggerated kiss and tell story except the chap in question had also been kind enough to release a number of home photographs of her attired in said uniform.

I feel a bit guilty about asking you to get me Sir James's autograph as I fear he may be slightly over familiar with you, and even something of a tit. On the other hand, you may be instructed to fook off. I don't imagine it will be a case of, "My autograph? It would be my pleasure. Thank you. Good day." But, you know, it's for yer old mate J, innit?

me: Seriously, J, you don't ask for much, do you? I wish you hadn't told me that. Because I know now if I ever do bother to approach her it would be the first question I'd ask. But then again, going by what you said about Sir James, maybe I could ask him if the whole schoolgirl thing is true as well. Well, if I'm going to be told to fook off...

J: Er... http://sfrsite.topcities.com/emily.htm

me: J. You need to step AWAY from the computer.

J: I just thought you should know what kind of people you're hanging around with in this so-called 'north of England'. Spendies lead to bendies indeed.