me: so hey, have you heard about these 'vampires' running around birmingham, biting womens ears and fingers off?

J: You gotta be kidding me. There are vampires running around Birmingham biting women's ears and fingers off?

me: Well, all this information is what I've got from my friend S, and brother #2, and sister #5. They're calling them 'vampires.' They creep up behind asian women in the street and bite a chunk out of your face/neck/ear. Sister #5 says her friend's cousin's mum had two of her fingers bitten off. S says there's three or four gangs of them and they're terrorising women in Handsworth. Brother #2 says there are four guys, one of them was caught after police helicopters flew over Sparkhill Park, but he also says they have attacked people in Handsworth, Sparkbrook, Sparkhill, Aston and Nechells. S says they're Somalian, brother #2 has added they have metal caps on all their front teeth. So me and my sister were sitting on the bus home, and this kid gets on the bus matching S and brother #2's descriptions, and I saw some of his front teeth had metal caps on. But he sat upstairs, and sister #4 didn't notice. When we got home brother #2 and sister in law #1 said we shoulda called the police, but seriously, he was like, just a kid.

J: It's great living in such a multicultural city though, isn't it. I mean, where else in the country would Somali vampires be biting chunks out of Asian women and then be chased by white policemen in helicopters?