fudge it

one of my office peeps here is on livejournal:

Do you ever have one of those days where you daydream about going berserk and threatening to kill people with a meat ax?

yep. liking it already.

bushra | permalink | |

i don't know how this conversation came about. it just happened recently. and don't you be getting any ideas. we already know that the twins are mad sports fans, right:

twin A: you know when you have kids yeah, if you have a boy we're going to call him michael owen.
me: ...
sister in law B: oh do one! don't talk stupid!
me: what if i had a girl? what would you call her?
twin A: ...
sister in law B: ...
me: well?
twin A: paula radcliffe.

bushra | permalink | |

and people are still downloading that scream file i had. i'm going to take it off the blog and see what happens.

bushra | permalink | |

auf wiedersehen! it's auf wiedersehen!

the nieces called me at the residence i have saved on my phone as 'home 2'. they're calling from 'home' in birmingham. anyway anyway anyway. brother #1 told me about how niece #1 is learning german at school. she's 7 years old and she's doing german! i tried to be smart with her, but she was even smarter:

me: guten tag niece #1!
her: guten tag bushra wie geht es ihnen?
me: uh oh.
her: i'm learning german at school! do you know how to say blue in german?
me: no.
her: blau. do you know how to say yellow?
me: no...
her: gelb. do you know how to say silver?
me: ah, no.
her: silber. do you know how to say black?
me: do you know any other german apart from colours?
her: no.

for two weeks she's doing pretty good, eh? thing is, we couldn't remember how to say goodbye. doh!

bushra | permalink | |

grr. or brr.

warning, this is going to be one of those negative about bradford posts. look, when i find something nice to write about, i'll share it, innit. yesterday an uncle said i'd brought my bitchin cold and crazy cough up from birmingham, which is annoying, because birmingham is like bermuda compared to bradford innit. it's so cold up here.

this morning i was listening to 'cold wind' by the arcade fire while waiting for the bus, i'm usually at the stop a few minutes early. only this morning, the bus driver looked at me, decided there was no way i could be catching his bus at 7.30am and drove on. and because i've been muttering to myself a lot more lately i yelled 'what did you think i was waiting for, christmas?!' at the back end of a bus. it's all right. i think this is normal behaviour in bradford. i think.

bushra | permalink | |

sister in law B and i have had the twins looking at us all confused, as we shout vous faites un! at each other.

bushra | permalink | |

settle an argument for us, will yer?

dear internet. the other day twin A (she's A because she's older) handed the television remote to twin B on the way out of the living room. twin B then returned 10 minutes later and demanded the remote back. but even though there isn't actually a rule book when it comes to possession of the television remote, everyone just knows them, right? and everyone knows that once you hand over the remote and leave you can't just come back ten minutes later and expect it back. right? right?

so i said if that was the way things worked around here, then nobody would mind if i just take the remote out of their hands whenever i wanted it, inn-

wait. i have to interrupt this transmission. sister in law B and i are asking the twins if they see any potential in a career as pakistani female footballers (they play football y'know):

twin A: you know. just because i play football doesn't mean i'm going to play it when i grow up. i might grow up to be a normal person.

that told us, didn't it.

bushra | permalink | |

d'you remember the fights i used to have with sister #5? here's one. the sister-in-laws here argue quite a lot as well. they're mainly between sister in law B and one of the twins, i think the younger one, so she must be sister in law D. they're not as scary as the fights i'm used to but anyway, they were buzzing a bit after watching a bush tucker trial on i'm a celebrity:

sister in law B: get out! go watch TV somewhere else! why are you bothering me? just do one!
sister in law D: you do one!
sister in law B: you do one!
sister in law D: you do one!
sister in law B: you do one!
sister in law D heads for the door: you do one, go and eat some slugs and bugs-
sister in law B: just do one! get out! go and eat some kangaroo-
(sister in law D slams the door shut on her way out)
sister in law B: -testicles.

bushra | permalink | |

work is really busy. don't worry about it.

i have a horrible cold and killer sore throat. but don't worry.

i squashed my finger between the arm rest on my chair and the metal bar under my desk. again. it really fricken hurts, but don't worry.

the in-laws are giving glowing reports about their new daughter-in-law to anyone who will listen. again, don't worry.

i found another mp3 blog. now you can worry.

bushra | permalink | |

i keep forgetting to note this blog's birthday, this year it was three days ago. oops! three years if you must know. what d'you think of the colours on this layout? too goth (i still can't see how it's all goth, dan)? too red? too nice?

bushra | permalink | |

i'm watching you...

i sent a pdf to print, and the printer is printing one page, like every thirty seconds. 24 pages. one page every thirty seconds. that's six minutes, right? no, wait, it's twelve. anyway, i check the printer status on my pc and someone else's job is queued after mine. no big. but then he walks up to the printer, watching it print out this pdf oh so slowly. and i'm thinking 'is he going to hit 'cancel job'? is he?' because if he did i would SO like to ask him why, why would you do that?

yes, you're right, my brain isn't functioning on that high a level today, i have a killer sore throat. nothing is working.

also: on the bus home yesterday, a tall kid barges on a few stops after the interchange. a little voice shouts 'ere! did you not see me waiting at the front of the queue?' and he replies 'yeah, i seen you yesterday an' all'.

bushra | permalink | |

because everyone loves the 23rd post meme.

woot! i got tagged by shutterfool:

1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence (or closest to it).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

My sentence:

we had a really long discussion about how she likes to take acid or something occasionally.

blimey, that's going back a bit, innit.

ok. now i like this tagging bit, but i should add that i have a special talent when it comes to killing off a meme. even so, i'm-a tagging:

har, dan, brian, debbie and joe.

bushra | permalink | |

blog find for this week (and the next, and the week after that)

My Lidl Obsession: 'This is a site dedicated to the in store findings of the truly bizarre and addictive world of Lidl. A place of low cost horse riding gear, flip flops, fruit drinks, Russian/Germanic vodka for internal and external use and of course, the dregs of society, me included...'

wait a second, did i see a post called Lidl Chainsaw? oh my god, yes i did! i'm telling you, if i had heaps more time on my hands (which i haven't right now but hey) i'd probably blog about some similar obsession. although i think i would blog about tv advert jingles ('tetley makes tea bags make tea') or quotes (remember those lunn poly adverts where people would disappear when someone said 'get away!' my favourite quote is from the moroccan market where the guy goes 'bargains! much cheapness!' uh-oh lost in brackets). ow, my head hurts.

bushra | permalink | |

hands up if you keep jumping because there is voice demanding that bushra goes to cubicle number 4 at BRI, but you're only there because of nephew #2. it's all right. he's all right.

nephew #2: is it gonna hurt?
doctor, sister #2 and me: no.
nephew #2: do i have to wie down?
doctor: yes.
nephew #2 lies back, but props his right hand up and rests his head on it.
doctor: no, not like a prince, lie down, please.

bushra | permalink | |

friday, i think, must be the day i link link link.

seriously, i'm busy at work. if i twist the podites arm and stamp on both his feet hard enough he might agree with that statement. anyway i subscribed to this blog a couple of days ago and when i checked my bloglines it had a new post, to a quiz. have i got time for a quiz? no, but just so you know, in the what kind of humanist are you? quiz, why, i'm a haymaker.

bushra | permalink | |

this blog thing is a waste of time, innit?

for brothers #4 and #1 (but mainly brother #4): the superman returns teaser trailer.

some other links, but i'm not sure who they're for:

all 612 blogs that make up elbo.ws. one that stands out is bigrockcandymountain, but you'd have to be brother #1/niece#1/niece#3 to understand why.

bushra | permalink | |

nice work

sister #5 texted me yesterday:

her: brother #4 won d pusycat dolz cd at wrk itz a gud album
me: he won it at work?!
her: yea, hez at a cal centa n in d first wk weneva u mek a sal u pop a baloon, therez eitha a forfit or a prize he won dis n blk eyed peas

let me know if you need that translating. the parents came up yesterday (here's the thing: whenever i mention the parents making a random visit to bradford, it's not actually a random visit. it's usually because of a birth or death. death on this occasion) and the dad was talking about brother #4's job too, as he drove sister #2, her kids and me to asda:

him: he also won a mobile phone, and if he meets his target he gets an mp3 player. brother #1 is laying to claim to it already.
me: no way! that's not fair! brother #4 gave him his diesel watch when he got bored with it, he can't have the mp3 player too! i want it!
him: i don't care who gets it, but whoever does will be paying for it as part of brother #4's contribution to the household.
me: fine! i can't believe he's letting brother #1 have it though! i'm going to call him about this now. hello?
brother #4: (i'm at work.)
me: yes, that's nice. about this mp3 player. the one you're promising to brother #1. what kinda mp3 player is it?
brother #4: an ipod nano.
me: an ipod nano! oh, forget that! bye!
brother #4: ha?
me: an ipod nano! ha! brother #1 is welcome to it!
the dad: ...
sister #2: ...
nephew #1: ...
nephew #2: mummy buy me chocowate and cwips!
niece #2: ...
nephew #3: bush-a-a-a! hi there! toy! toy?

and that was how the day ended. actually, it was with a big bag of prawn crackers and the bill but never mind.

bushra | permalink | |

grr.

you know what really pisses me off lately? sister #5, ending every phone conversation we have with 'get off my line'.

bushra | permalink | |

scratch everything. this, is going to be my next mp3 player.

other news: sitting inside the train station this morning (so cold). one of my cousins spotted me and knocked on the window, but i had my back to her and my walkman on. anyway, her sister had been going on about getting an mp3 player a few weeks ago, and now has an ipod nano. but she's selling it now, because it has made her appreciate life more (cousin: 'she said she was getting depressed listening to mariah carey') and she'd rather read a book.

bushra | permalink | |

this has probably been blogged a zillion times already...

one of the adverts in the cinema on sunday was the one for the sony bravia, with the bouncy balls dropped in san francisco, the ones that got flickr'd a while back. i'm telling you, watching it on that massive screen it was like, a beautiful thing (i'm nicking that term from J, but it is, honest!).

watch it here (in quicktime, there is a flash version but hey, you can't play it!), see the pictures here, etc.

bushra | permalink | |

the imood is back.

i was in birmingham this weekend. whenever i've had to go to birmingham for work things on mondays or fridays, i spend the weekend with the family. it's mad, innit? there were times i couldn't wait to get the hell out, times when the siblings couldn't wait til i was out, but now it's like, aaaaaaaaaaaaah. no more hate. not that we really hate each other. now if i ask the brothers to come pick me up from the city centre because i can't be bothered to take the bus, they say 'sure, ok. i'll be there in a bit'. of course brother #2 was onto us when he picked us up after watching this:

brother #2: i bet you got bushra to phone because you knew we wouldn't say no, didn't you?
sister #4: too right!

i also got to spend time with the nieces. we went to pick up their book bags for school. on the way i stopped at the table outside the pdsa shop and got a book for 50p. i told the little old lady with the long red nails that i wouldn't need a bag:

niece #3: are you putting it in to your bag?
me: yes.
niece #3: because then nobody can see it?
me: ...

niece #3 has one of those loud voices so you know the whole shop heard her and had a laugh about it. also, niece #3 can also write your name if you spell it out for her now. and niece #4 still likes to do that thing where we knock our heads together. and finally on monday morning, sister #5 and i said goodbye in the street like we normally do:

sister #5: thanks for the money, bitch!
me: get lost!

bushra | permalink | |

yer make yer own fun round 'ere.

there aren't any major shops where i live. it's funny, take a bus out of the city centre and within minutes all signs of civilisation are gone, depending on whether you managed to spot them in the first place. i told myself i wouldn't give bradford too much of a bashing, sure whatever you have that museum of film and photography and blah blah blah. as a place to live, bradford is well, the pits.

there's a family business type supermarket at the end of the street, on the main road (previous history: as the loading bay faces the killing ground, a couple of the cousins got hold of their forklift truck once and drove it into traffic). they don't sell Heat magazine - not that i'd buy it even if they did, honest, i swear - and confuse the hell out of the older peeps round here by putting those fake sports biscuits next the originals. i'd try and get a picture but the last time i was there one of my uncles saw me and insisted on walking me home.

anyway. thing is, there is another grocery store a bit further up the road that sells assorted key rings and stuff. the most recent craze to be had by the kids was a laser. not just any laser. this laser came with five attachments, so it could project insults on the walls, or little hands giving a v-sign or a middle finger. all for two quid! nice. but it kind of pissed me off when one of the twin sister in laws starting beaming this laser at my face (she'd thrown the attachments away). even though i closed my eyes i could still see it, so i knew it was one of those those that burned your retinas or something.

me: stop it! those things can blind you!
her: er-er, no they don't.
me: look, it says here 'class 3 laser product. do not project laser at human eyes'.
her: mmmf whatever.

ok so it was a teeny tiny sticker and it might be hard to read the small print (and no CE mark either) but it was there. so what did she do? she took the sticker off. there's no way it can blind people now.

bushra | permalink | |

You're Not Portuguese!?!?!?

i used meebo a bit ago. y'know, AIM, Yahoo IM, GoogleTalk and MSN, all on one website. it's pretty natty. i had all these contacts, about thirty, and only one of them was online (exactly, who does IM these days? what's the point of coming up with these cool things when no-one really bothers anymore?). anyway. it could only mean one thing: mark!

Evil Lincoln: NO WAY!!! ITS BUSHRA!!!
Bushra: no way! it's mark!

and he's on msn spaces. bearing in mind your limited knowledge of mark, which is only that link above, enter at your own risk, mmkay?

bushra | permalink | |

you're just messing around, aren't ya? aren't ya?

brother #2: and anyway,it wouldn't be the first body i've put in the canal...
me: ...
him: what?
me: what was the first body you put in the canal?
him: do you know, i can't remember, there's been that many...

bushra | permalink | |

at least i can sleep...

...knowing the permalinks are working (but then again, does anyone actually use those things?) , my blog posts are now dated and that i can stock up on sainsbury's onion and garlic pasta sauce when i visit birmingham this weekend.

i don't get it. why are people still downloading the scary voicemail?

bushra | permalink | |

this is not just any truck...


i thought about captioning this 'and for my next trick...' or 'this beats brother #2's levitating prank' but whatever, it's a massive truck, and it's like, hovering!

bushra | permalink | |

tick tick tock it's a quarter to two

can't help it. besides eastenders repeats and the wedding episodes on coronation street (how i could have missed them the first time around i really don't know) my weekend was wasted watching (someone tell the dad to please, look away now) MTV. i suppose dragging one of the neighbouring kids by her feet and physically removing her from your house doesn't really count, does it? hmm, yes, bit of a public nuisance that kid. anyway. work conversation. it's what happens when an office person from a neighbouring desk pod spots you at the station:

me: so like, i was the only one out of my team who moved up to leeds, everyone else was made redundant.
her: oh, so that's why you're a bit of a billy no mates!

ow. ow ow ow ow ow.

bushra | permalink | |

moved desks again. it's only temporary. listen to this office guy on the phone. oh, wait. you can't. here you go:

'good morning johnny bravo speaking...hi dexter...'

bushra | permalink | |

i set my phone to 'dead silent' at work. but look, i have a text message:

Happy eidday to you!
Happy eidday to you!
Happy eidday Bushraaaa!
Happy eidday to you!

bushra | permalink | |

sh*t on the radio.

ok ok ok. i haven't listened to any radio in ages. it's what happens when you develop an unhealthy dependency on a walkman, especially when you want to avoid people. i've got the sony mp3 player with an integrated tuner in my sights but i still can't decide on the colour (yes, it is important!).

anyway. the family in law have the radio on in the evenings, because radio ramadan will tell you when it is time to eat and pray. but i was at sister #1's t'other day and they had sunrise radio on while she and one of the girls was cooking. the news comes on.

sister #1: oh no, it's the girl with bad news!
girl: oh god, bushra wait till you hear this woman! all she ever talks about is robberies and murder!
newsgirl: police are appealing for witnesses after a woman was robbed in the early hours of yesterday morning...
me: ok...
newsgirl: the woman was walking along the street when a man approached her and tried to snatch her bag. when the woman fought back the attacker slapped her -
me: what!
newsgirl: - and pushed her to the ground before running away with her bag.
me: well ok.

she then went on to read out this story in full. and then last night i had to get a taxi home (for the first time ever the driver was no relation) and she was on again, talking about drug dealers. i, i don't know what to say.

bushra | permalink | |

things i won't be doing for eid:

1. visiting the parents and siblings: i have only a handful of days leave left so i gotta use them wisely innit. but i'll be in birmingham for the weekend the clothes show is on. plus i might be coming during christmas, mmkay?

2. staying at home: this means i won't be watching the kitchen, the same kitchen that took me 8 hours from 6am on sunday morning to clean inside out and left a horrible blister on my left palm, get completely decimated in preparation for an eid feast. and dear god, i don't want to think of the aftermath either.

3. and this one hurts the most: going over to niece #2's to do her hair for the eid party at school (i'm not sure if i definitely won't, i hope i can but i can't be too sure), and getting pictures of her and the nephews all smart and dressed up. oh well. i suppose i always have the clip of nephew #2 insisting 'i don't wanna be a fai-wy' to keep me going.

things i will be doing for eid.

1. and there is only one:

the aunt: ere! what yer doin' for eid?
me: avoiding everyone and anyone.
her: not anymore. when you get home after work, come straight to mine cos i'm havin' a pizza party.

woot!

bushra | permalink | |

er, i can't remember how old my blog is.

happy fifth blog birthday, saima. the salman khan sucks comment thread made me laugh the first time around, and it made me laugh again today.

bushra | permalink | |