fudge it

ow ow ow

so like, on friday, after sister #2 and her kids arrived, i was rounding all the kids up in the garden when a neighbour shouted over the fence: 'bushra, how many children have you got?' me: 'too many!'

i'm always in charge when it comes to the nieces and nephews. sister #5 can't control them but it really pisses her off that i get out of doing any cleaning and tidying because only i can successfully supervise a group of seven children. the youngest is 17 months old and the oldest is 6 and a half. duties include doling out lunch, drinks and the all important chewits:

brother #4: gimme a chewit.
the nieces: no!
brother #4: how about we play a game?
the nieces: ok!
brother #4: ok, everyone gets in the porch. let me lock the porch door so you can't run outside...now, all of you just stand there. (shuts the second door, leaving the nieces stuck in the porch.) now gimme a chewit or you can't come in.
niece #2: oh, that game.

i've promised the nieces i'm going to show them how to make scoubidous when i get home today.

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ugh, headachy. right on the day sister #2 is due to land with niece #2 and the nephews. actually, looking forward to seeing them, because i can record more videos on my phone. have you seen the latest video of niece #4 doing a long evil laugh before she falls back on the floor, and then sits there for a few seconds in stunned silence? have you?

ok ok ok. about balamory. if you're me, you'll like it, if you're N, you'll hate it.

me: i don't get it. how can you hate balamory?
N: it's annoying, the way they're so condescending.
me: what? what do you mean?
N: you know, when they're so patronising and point out the glaringly obvious.
me: ah, ok, i can see that point. it's like when one of them will say 'i know! why don't you go and ask archie?' and then the character ask you to guess which house is he going to and you think 'duh, you just said you're going to archie's house and everyone knows archie's house is the pink house'.
office neighbour: bushra, i think they might be aiming for people at a higher level...
N: higher? don't you mean lower?!

that was funny. you should have seen office neighbour's face!

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Silver surfers say net is 'vital' - 'I love playing poker and bingo online with people all over the world. I find websites are a great way to meet new friends. My grandchildren call me 'cybergran'!

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Animated outing for Famous Five: 'The Famous Five books have never been out of print Enid Blyton's classic children's stories The Famous Five are to be transformed into a modern animated TV adventure series.'

fact: my book review of 'five run away together' won first prize at school in 1992. hmm. i'm choosing to share this instead of a lunchtime conversation with S where he described being a dedicated footie fan as similar to being a fan of take that. yep, lots of backtracking.

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brian: I have no idea what this Crazy Frog thing is. Nor do I know anything about Sudoku. Does this make me a bad person?
me: No, but if you go out of your way to find out what they are, become a bad person you will.

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'how to make a decision'. want it! and this!

(i'm sure J would want this.)

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every second, third and fourth advert on tv is for the crazy frog.

me: that's really pissing me off now.
brother #2: me too, but nephew #4 likes it.
me: i know he does, what kind of a parent are you?
brother #2: but look. he's trying to escape that rocket...
me: yes, but the rocket misses it.

still, it looks like the latest cd offering from crazy frog will beat coldplay to number 1 this weekend. which is kinda funny.

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it wasn't a fight, it was an argument.

sister #5: so why were you and dad fighting in the middle of the night?
me: none of your beeswax.

ten minutes later in the kitchen with sister in law #1 and the mother.

sister #5: did anyone hear bushra and the dad fighting last night?
them: no.
me: there. now shut up.

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next week, will be a two day week.

me: so about these days i need to book.
sister #2: what? oh yeah, book tuesday and wednesday, with bank holiday monday you'll get three days off in a row.
me: that's a good idea.
sister #2: wait. nephew #3 wants to talk to you.
me: ok. hello!
nephew #3: ak shak burf mmmmmm.
me: that's nice. what's on the tv?
nephew #3: bak shaf ak brargh!
sister #2: did you understand a word of that?
me: no. so about next week...
sister #2: maybe you should book thursday and friday off. that way we can do something on your birthday. a big party with all the kids!

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'created by a one-time college student who did not like the taste of coffee or colas but needed to stay awake during late night study sessions.'

you know, when there's a wedding in bradford there's always some funny story to come out of it:

me: what is niece #3 drinking?
sister #5: oh, that's waterjoe. there was this giant van giving them away at the wedding on sunday.
brother #1: hmm. not recommended for children and pregnant women.
me: not that it would have any effect on the crazy kids of bradford much.

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last week:

N: so, anyone doing anything nice this weekend?
me: well, if i was, i won't anymore, i'll be hanging around all depressed because sister #2 may be visiting soon.

this week:

all i can remember is me offering to take a few days off in time for her visit and sister #2 saying 'yes, that's a good idea'.

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J: This morning on the radio: the new Coldplay single, We've Run Out Of Ideas.

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productive weekend. i tidied up the garage (it's always getting into a mess) and managed to finish the mountain, actually make that mountain range, of ironing and keep the house tidy for two whole days. this is what happens when 60% of the family heads up to bradford for a wedding. anyway. the greatest achievement? it took thirty seconds to figure out the scoubidou knot. but there's a lot of knots, so this could get addictive.

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tippity tappity.

me: i just did that quiz on the BBC news website, 7 days 7 questions. I got 2 right, including: Q: What - or who - are mukluks? A: Rabbit-skin boots worn by Wayne Rooney's girlfriend Coleen. The page then goes on to say 'Colleen defended her expensive booties by saying "rabbits get killed for food so why waste the skins?"' I could try and come up with a response, but I'm sure you could come up with something much more venomous.
J: Ah, the beautiful and engaging Coleen. A veritable 21st century
reincarnation of Audrey Hepburn. The rabbit skin which is used for clothing is not generally taken from rabbits which are killed for meat; it's taken from older rabbits which have tougher skin. Tens of thousands of rabbits are killed every year just for this purpose. There's a joke in here somewhere about poor, dumb animals, but no doubt PETA has already used it in one of its poster campaigns.

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You Don't Need a Blog: 'A blog isn't the right answer for most of the reasons people think they need one. But you don't need one. Your energy is better spent conversing with real people, not hoping to be the one voice heard in the middle of a riot.'

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"I also fear for their safety if a Birmingham City fan ever got their hands on them."

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warning. this weblog may become unfunny.

me: you know, as soon as i decide that maybe i should stop this blog, i want to put it back up again.
S: do it.
me: thing is, it used to be funny. but the family aren't funny anymore really. not since we stopped taking the drugs.
S: ...
me: i'm just kidding.
S: oh. oh ok. yeah you should keep on blagging. you'll always be a blagger.
me: hmmm.

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S: sarah beeny night tonight.
me: what, you mean toxic sarah beeny?

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Thirty - Eight Ways to Win an Argument: '38 Become personal, insulting and rude as soon as you perceive that your opponent has the upper hand. In becoming personal you leave the subject altogether, and turn your attack on the person by remarks of an offensive and spiteful character. This is a very popular technique, because it takes so little skill to put it into effect.'

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Stylus Magazine - Top Ten Music Moments on NBC’s Scrubs.

there's going to be new Scrubs on tv this week. thing is, is it worth it fighting the dad for the remote? it'll start off as a teeny tiny squabble and when it's over he's won and i'm sitting in a corner of the living room bawling my eyes out about how i really hated it when he gave me the nickname 'shitforbrains'.

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Scooterdeb: Oh, look... In the Linens-N-Things circular, there's an ad for that robot vacuum cleaner.
Brian: Maybe Apple should make one of those and call it the iSuck.

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the parents left for bradford earlier today. i packed the dad's life saving equipment (blood sugar testing kit, blood pressure monitor, mobile phone charger) while sister #5 sorted out the mother's things. then we stood in the porch and waved them goodbye.

me: when are they going to be back?
sister #5: not until tuesday evening, maybe even wednesday.
me: hmmm. a time to chill.

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i dunno, are we really talking out loud or just dreaming this conversation?

yesterday afternoon:

N: is it friday today?
me: see now i thought friday would be today, because i spent all wednesday evening thinking it was thursday.
S: it's thursday.
N: hmm. i suppose that whole thing about friday, you know, looking forward to it, it's just made up, isn't it?
S: ...
me: ...
N: you know, some people have this fixation about it being friday and looking forward to it but other people might not think so much of friday, it's just another day to them.
me: you're right, and the people who look so forward to fridays are the same people who end up feeling down on a sunday.
S: if i can be happy that it's a friday, i don't mind being down on a sunday.
N: yeah...
me: yeah...
S: yeah...

anyway. a friday sounding song, and it sings about er, sunday.

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Massive Protest over KFC Advert: 'The advert for the takeaway chicken firm, which shows call centre staff singing with their mouths full, has so far prompted 1,130 objections. Offended viewers felt it encouraged bad manners, mocked people with speech impediments, or set a bad example to children, the ASA said.'

i don't what else to say about this advert except that i really really hate it. i also hate the smell of KFC when people bring those buckets on the bus.

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Does 'happy slapping' exist? 'Reports suggest a new craze in which young people slap strangers and film the assault on mobile phones is on the increase. But does this trend actually exist or is it the product of media hype?'..."You see someone just sitting there, they look like they're dumb. You just run up to them and slap them. And run off. It's funny."

brother #4: c'mere, look-a-this!
me: what?
brother #4: look at this video on my phone. it's so funny!
girls stands at a counter or something, chatting away when a hand belonging to someone off screen appears and slaps her really really hard. girls stands at a counter or something for about thirty seconds, completely stunned.
me: nope. that's not funny at all.

i wish i could say i ended the conversation by saying 'but this is funny' and slapped brother #4 in the face, but no. maybe next time.

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ugh, do you know, i'm sleeping so well these days i keep forgetting the exchanges taking place at home. or maybe i'm being selective. maybe you don't need to hear the dad using swear words because someone left the predictive text on his phone again. and then i had to pass on a message from brother #2 to brother #5 telling him to f*ck off but, wait, that was while i was at work yesterday. so you'll just have to make do with sister #5 talking her way out of trouble:

geography teacher: where's your coursework? it was meant to be in last week!
sister #5: i tried to give it in last week, but you weren't here.
him: that's because i was on paternity leave.
sister #5: that's no excuse!

all the nieces are sick and nephew #4 is getting into the little afghan look every time he puts the dad's hat on.

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a link from N (thanks):

problogger.net - what's wrong with blogging: 'Let’s talk about what we don’t like about blogging. What are its weaknesses? What are its limitations? How would you construct an argument against blogging?'

contributions include:

'...Blogs that violate the 9 Blog Core Values, the Universal Blog Mantra, and the 3 Primary Purposes for a Blog. All these are blotches on the bloatosphere.'

universal blog mantra?! i don't know what to say...

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the authority: la la la la-la. i just want to start singing 'we're all going on a summer holiday'.
S: ...
me: you can do that if you want.
the authority: nothing like touring the continent on a red bus...
me: all right all right, what machine have you been getting your tea from?

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M was asking the authority about his birthday. any gifts?

him: one of my sons bought me doom.
M: doom?!
me: eh?
him: yeah, for my x-box!
me: you have an x-box?!
him: yeah!
me: well ok...what other games do you have?
him: why?
me: just!
him: i've got halo...
me: hmm. all that combat.
him: yeah, it gets rid of a lot of aggression.
me: i suppose it explains why you're always singing in the office during the day.

M is back at her desk.

M: (bushra!)
me: (what!)
M: (i can't believe he's got an x-box!)
me: (i know!)
M: (you couldn't write this stuff, i mean you couldn't make it up, could you?)
me: (no, you couldn't!)

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i just knew she'd make it on go fug yourself: 'I love British celebrities. Specifically, the so-called glamour models like Jordan, who is Britain's sartorial equivalent to Lil' Kim -- proprietous, careful, not at all interested in giving us a living illustration of her birth canal'.

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last night i was washing up the the mother's precious teacups (bradford invasion, innit). brother #1 arrived and asked me to make him a cup of tea when i was finished. 'i dunno, it's gone 9pm and we're talking overtime here.' this made the dad laugh. and then he asked me if i was listening to him, in other words switch off your walkman i want to speak to you. lucky he didn't hear me muttering 'uh-oh'.

so anyway, he starts with this story about a guy was taught by his imam that just by doing little things you could be helping others. so day after day he started throwing bread into the river. what he didn't know was the king of his country was stuck in the river a few miles down, don't ask me how he got there, you just gotta let the dad finish! anyway the king managed to survive on this bread that travelled down the river. look. there is a point to this story so just stay with it. so when the king was rescued he demanded to see the person who had been throwing bread down the river, and this poor guy thought he was in so much trouble. but no, the king rewarded him with gold and 'this man saved my life!' and so on. well, all right.

the dad: so what i want to know is, who is the person who has been buying these raisin whirls for the past few days, because they have no idea how much i've needed them everytime my sugar levels get low. and i wanted to say thanks.

well. i was buying them because they were 30p a pack, and in this house, someone's bound to eat them, innit. and yes. everytime the dad wants to tell you something, there's always a story in it.

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my personal highlight of our monday morning videoconference this week:

office person: bushra? what's happening with you then?
me: i'm... playing with blu-tack.

earlier this morning i complained that the ribena i'd bought tasted awful. office people M and S suggested this was because it was the sugar free version. ribena is no good if there's no sugar.

M: how are you gettting on with that ribena?
me: i'm on the second bottle.
M: ugh how can you do that? i thought you said it tasted awful? look. this drink has 2 pressed apples, 1/2 mashed banana, 113 crushed blackcurrants, 7 acerola cherries and 2 rosehips. i bet yours hasn't got 10% blackcurrant juice!
me: er, it says here it has 7%.
M: well. i suppose that's something...

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i'm telling you. i really need to stop reading about the latest medical research. i suppose it's fun trying to work out whether they're for real or not:

Sunny May the month for suicides:'The Priory Group says more people take their lives in May than in any other month, which could be down to the climate. The extra sunshine, which helps combat depression, may also provide the people the energy they need to act on their suicidal feelings, they believe.'

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'Something else could have been going on...'

Fake acupuncture 'aids migraines': In a study of more than 300 patients, both genuine and sham acupuncture reduced the intensity of headache compared with no treatment at all. But real acupuncture was no better than needles placed at non-acupuncture points on the body, the Journal of the American Medical Association reports.

the dad wants to get me a whole bunch of alternative medicines for my headaches (which this week were due to a mazda mx6). but i've said no thanks. i was out of painkillers and when i finally got round to buying some the headaches went away, even though i haven't taken any yet.

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'Mr Galloway, are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?'

it made me laugh, then S demanded the link, and it made him laugh too.

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i woke up at 5am today, due to a lack of car alarm. argh. anyway:

me: hey.
S: hey.
me: what's the date?
S: the fifth.
me: of the...?
S: hey, the fifth!
me: of the...
S: fifth!

today i will be annoying the office with video clips of nieces #4 and #5 i've recorded on my new phone.

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Boy finds snake in cereal packet:'...He's not eating. Neither am I.'

see now, how many lines could you have come up with if it was a corn snake in the cornflakes?

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grr

i only have to say 'car alarm' and '1.30am' for you to figure out which way this post is going to go. or do i? brother #3 managed put a couple of dents in his shiny red sports car, and has left it in our driveway until it gets repaired. every night since last thursday, just when it is absolutely certain that bushra is in her deep deep sleep, the car alarm has been going off without fail. last night was the final straw. the dad had been using the car during the day, and reverse parked it when he was done with it. only for the alarm to start going off at a: 1.30am onwards, and b: everytime a car drove past. but that's not what i wanted to mention. no, not even the headache i have, the nausea, the pain in my neck and shoulder, or the lack of sleep. no. this is what was said about the car this morning:

me: i'm telling you. i was this close to marching down to the garden shed and getting the dad's sledge hammer...
the mother: what, to hit your head with it?
me: ...er. no. i was thinking of smashing up the car?

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teabuddy.com: Are you always the one who makes the tea? Are you surrounded by colleagues, friends and family who shirk their tea-making responsibilities? Teabuddy is the answer to your prayers. Teabuddy is a tool for keeping-up with the making of tea in the office, at home, or, just about anywhere. No more fighting over who made the last round, or exactly how you like to take your tea - Teabuddy simply takes the hassle out of tea-making.

i'm sure the podite would have liked this when he was here, but i suppose he can always use it in his new job.

[via linkmachinego]

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again and again and again and again and again

this is the last post about the CD i'm listening to lately. track 9 is pretty good. it's what i was listening to when S started looking at me. to get my attention, office neighbour would sit and watch me until i pulled out my earphones and stared back at her. S seems to do it just to interrupt, things can get quiet here you see.

me: this had better not be 'nothing'.
S: oh.
me: what?
S: nothing.

don't worry. i haven't finished making fun out of his trainers.

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'There, look at that, ‘fun’, ‘computer’ and ‘Birmingham’ all in the same post!'

er, sure, if you say so.

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it's monday. no, it's tuesday. argh! where's my email? there it is:

S: whatever you do don't look under the desk....
me: eh? what?
S: i have new bright white trainers on!!!!
me: aaaah, did your mummy get them for you?

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nice weekend?

saturday - sister #5 says she's going to the library to study.
saturday afternoon - sister #5 and brother #5 are discussing something in the posh living room and nobody is allowed to hear. what they don't seem to realise is niece #1 is in there with them. if you don't want her to talk, never begin with 'don't tell anyone about this...'

sunday - brother #5: i saw that kid, you know.
sister #5: did you say anything to him?
brother #5: not really, i was just driving past. his face was a mess.
sister #5: did you see how i tagged it?
me: eh?
sister #5: this guy grabbed my jacket and i hit face twice like BAM! everyone told him not to mess because they know i'm brother #5's sister, but noooo...
me: ...

monday - sister #5: do you think they have security cameras in kings heath park?

little boring me just took more pictures of the garden.

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Pakistan - copyright piracy hub: Sitting in his sparsely furnished office on one of Karachi's busiest roads, Mr Mohammed denies that his company - Sadaf CD - is involved in piracy. But few would be convinced. "Look, my friend, necessity is the mother of invention," he says. "For as long as Pakistanis want to watch cheap movies, there will be piracy."

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a nice warm, sunny sunday. earlier today i shook brother #4's jeans at niece #1, i was angry i had to clear up after him you see. anyway, all this change fell out of his pockets so i'm taking the nieces out to get some pick and mix. they're competing over who is being the most helpful, but i think niece #3 wins because she's got her mittens on.

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