fudge it

where do you sit on kylie?

office person M is in mourning after hearing christopher ecclestone has quit doctor who. before you know it the authority, office person K and she are discussing possible alternatives.

M: what if kylie became doctor who?
K: i wouldn't have a problem with that, what do you think?
the authority: who?
K: kylie as doctor who.
the authority: well i've not much to say about kylie really. it wouldn't bother me.
M: so who does it for you do then?
me: wait, let me put my earphones on first.
K: so S, where do you sit on kylie, then?

bushra | permalink | |

ner ner.

niece #2: shall i teach you some ballet?
niece #1: you haven’t even got proper ballet shoes. my shoes are like ballet shoes.
niece #2: but my shoes are like your shoes.
niece #1: my shoes are flat.
niece #2: so are mine!
niece #1: mine have these heels on them.
niece #2: my shoes have got heels too.
niece #1: yes, but they’re not clippity cloppity ones, are they?

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from postsecret postcards to postsecret voice: PostSecretVoice takes the same idea to audio. Users leave an anonymous phone message that becomes an audio file and is delivered to listeners through RSS. Speak clearly, and be creative.

i dunno why, but that seems scary scary scary.

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nieces #1 and #2 can't decide if they're friends or not. whenever niece #2 visits, they're either playing school school or trying to outdo each other. niece #2 is taller than niece #1, and has lost her two front teeth. but anyway.

niece #2: bushra, look, who's the biggest?
me: both of you stand up straight. (to niece #1) stop standing on your toes.
niece #2: yeah, that's not fair.
me: ok. niece #1 is the oldest, and niece #2 is the tallest.
niece #2: but...but...
me: the end. now get off the stairs or i'll make your poncho disappear.

bushra | permalink | |

keep up.

sister #4: can you believe brother #2? he leaves his son (nephew #4) here with us, his wife (sister in law #2) is in hospital (she gave birth to niece #5 on sunday!) and what's he doing? he's out playing golf!!
me: start as you mean to go on, innit.

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J: I'm not sure, but I think that that email should probably be shown upon your weblog.
me: ...face it, you're a blogger by proxy, or something.

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J: 'Anyway, it's Easter apparently. On this day, something like 1000 years BC, Jesus Christ was born, and he begat Abraham, and verily he begat Joshua (I'm winging it a bit here), and the burning bush spake unto Judas in the Garden of Gesthemane and sayeth unto him: mmm, Cadbury's creme eggs, innit, and furthermore it addeth: have Friday off. And verily I shall.'

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StrangeDolls.net: 'These odd dolls are not something you will find in a toy store. They are hardly something you would buy for a child. They are misproportioned, strangely dressed, and they have a story and character uniquely their own. Much like each one of us.'

[via squidfingers]

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office neighbour: So, is anyone thinking of going along to the Freedom of Information Act workshop tomorrow?
N: ...
S: ...
me: ...

J: You're not going to the Freedom of Information Workshop? What, is there some paint you have to watch drying instead?
me: Actually, if you must know, I'm going to a Functional Specification Workshop. So there.

bushra | permalink | |

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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if you're one my flickr contacts (marked as friends that is), then you'll have seen the pictures of niece #3, right? and you'll agree that she is the coolest niece, right?

niece #3: i know what this lime coke is made of.
me: what?
niece #3: (points at the limes on the can) those.
me: what are they?
niece #3: green lemons.

niece #3 is not at nursery this week, because she's not well. she was going to do a sponsored bounce today, but now niece #1 is going to do it for her. anyone who sponsored niece #3 'per bounce' had better watch out...

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so. you know when you're walking along, walkman on, heading to the supermarket before you go home, and you're lost in your own little world, and out of nowhere a car horn BEEEEEEEEEEEPS so loud it makes you and the young couple walking ahead of you jump? that. thank you, brother #5. he gives his crazy manic joker grin as i stick my tongue out at him, and he drives off. the people walking ahead of me look behind to see who he was beeping at, and they see me.

me: i've never seen him before in my life.

i think they saw the funny side of it.

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Robbers stab man in park.

just so you know, it was a ZIP THRU JUMPER.

get well soon, kid.

bushra | permalink | |

brother #5 and sister #5 were going crazy again yesterday evening. they told me a little story and it made me laugh quietly to myself twice this morning. it's the way they told it i think. brother #5 has a voicemail greeting set up on his phone, and sister #5 was begging me to listen to it.

me: no no no no no! yours is awful so his will be worse!
sister #5: honest it's funny! he got his friend to record it.
me: what friend?
sister #5: you know the one that's been knocking on our door and phoning the house for him all weekend, the one who, you know, is not all there.
brother #5: he starts off with 'hello. this is S...'
sister #5: 'you have called brother #5's phone...'
brother #5: 'he can't answer your call...'
sister #5: 'but leave a message after the beep...'
both: '...TOOT!'

no? i know, it's one where you had to be there.

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'“So that’s you guys all done,” said the receptionist, handing me a receipt.'

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also: i'm glad people like the poems, but so you know, i didn't actually write them, J did.

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Return of the Irritating Colleague.

I'm getting into this poetry business, anyway. Well actually it's more the idea of being a poet, being able to tell people I'm a poet. Even though I've only written two poems so far, it gives me more of a sense of identity. I'm a published poet. You can see my poetry on the internet on the weblog Fudge It.

ODE TO AN IRRITATING COLLEAGUE (SLIGHT RETURN)

Irritating colleague
The moniters upon our desks
Are situated in such a manner
That there is a chink
An inches-wide passage
Through which I often see you watching me

I imagine you looking through the gap
One day
Ready to stare
And instead of my face
You are looking down the barrel of a shotgun
It is the last thing you see
Before the bang
And then most of your head is spread around the office in small pieces

bushra | permalink | |

if you catch something it ain't my fault.

you all know the noisy office people. yes you do. from the loud 'ooh! suits you!' jokes, to the nokia monophonic ringtones, (if it's not nokia/grande valse it's the great escape. oh yes.) everybody must know the noisy office people. just so you know, they're currently mad about the video peter kay recorded for (is this the way to) amarillo. noisy office people have been seen clapping along to the video/song/whatever playing on their computers, and heard humming along to it too.

#1: tony christie looks like he spent far too long under a sunbed.
#2: what? is that who it was? i saw him and thought 'who's that old duffer?'

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brian did a meme thingy about books, and passed the stick on to me. well i never.

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
I used to work in a library, which is funny because I read somewhere last week that the last place a Gemini should work is in a library, and I haven’t read Fahrenheit 451 but someone I worked with at the library told me how in Fahrenheit 451 books get burned, right? So I’m thinking this is a chance for me to pick a book that I’d like to see get burned and there’s no contest really because I saw on the news today that 18 million copies of The Da Vinci Code have been sold, and how cool would it be to see 18 million copies of The Da Vinci Code on fire? (I grew out of pyromania ages ago, honest. Hey, you brought up fires, not me.)

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
I don’t think so. I remember watching a quiz show and some guy said he used to have a crush on Penelope Pitstop when he was a kid. Sort yourself out.

The last book you bought is:
My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult. A disappointment, looks like there’s no family out there that can out-argue/out-scream/out-whatever mine.

The last book you read:
was the last book I bought.

What are you currently reading?
I’m all read out. I used to read books all the time when I was a kid, and when I worked at the library. But not anymore.

Five books you would take to a deserted island:
His Dark Materials – Phillip Pullman
Freedomland – Richard Price
The Timewaster Letters - Robin Cooper
The Goalkeeper’s Revenge (and Seventeen Oranges) - Bill Naughton (see, I did pay attention in English)
Anything by that guy, you know, what’s his name, Ray Mears.

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you know, you can talk to me. anything on your mind? look. even if it's an irritating colleague, i'm prepared to listen. see? emails are coming in already:

Maybe I've been too cynical about this business of writing poetry. Perhaps I just need to enter into the spirit of it. Give me your honest opinion of my first attempt.

Ahem.

ODE TO AN IRRITATING COLLEAGUE

Irritating colleague
Stop looking at me
And stop smirking at me
And stop talking to me
When I don't want to be talked to
Or I
Will cut off your face
And feed it to the rats

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brother #1 rushed out to pick up a nintendo DS. he and niece #1 played with it for the whole weekend, brother #1 was dismayed to find i was playing the mario kart from his game boy advance on it instead of the super mario ds. is that right? it can have both a DS and a GBA game loaded on it at the same time, or was i dreaming? and hello, it said 'touch screen' so of course i'm going to tap it with my finger, and for that trouble i got an earful from niece #1: 'duh! you use the sty-lus!' which was hidden in the back of the DS, so there.

forget the DS, i don't even know why i'm bothering to mention it. nintendo can actually do funny with news stories like Nintendo Unveils Plan To Arm Woodland Animals: Foxes, Toads and Falcons to Receive All Means of Assault Artillery. For too long, foxes and other small woodland creatures have been the targets of hunters. Now the hunted will become the hunters. In coordination with the Society for the Arming of Endangered Animals, Nintendo will provide a defense system to a limited number of these animals in the form of high-tech assault weaponry.

bushra | permalink | |

boo!

back at work! hmm. was that exclamation mark necessary? anyway. it seems half of the noisy office people had the same bug last week, some people have it this week. and one noisy office person has been suffering last week and probably still will be this week, but he's still taking calls:

'hiya-a-a-a....how're you...yeah, i'm still full of it...'

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bleh.

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For Scooterdeb: swedish fish sushi (try saying that really fast).

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hmm. blogs are so yesterday. it seems to be all about mp3 blogs these days. need more mp3 blogs. like this one. or this one. and they lead to even more! anyway. my best find so far has to be this file. it's only right that my earphones go and die on me, innit.

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things are fairly quiet in the evenings these days (notice how i said in the evening? that's cos my throat is killing me after shouting non-stop for 70% of the day yesterday). i was washing up when brother #5 and sister #5 arrived in the kitchen. after yakking for hours they've got the munchies and ask me to make 'em some cheese on toast. it's all right, i was going to make some for myself anyway. they have it on white toast, but i like it on brown.

me: doesn't it embarrass you when sister #5 keeps calling you 'innit bro'?
brother #5: nah. if anyone disses me on the street, she kicks their ass for me.
sister #5: innit bro!
me: ...
brother #5: ha! you know why people eat brown bread, don't you?

i'm sensing brother #5 is about to say something really vulgar, judging by the mischievous look on his face. times like these you have to beat them to it, and show 'em who's boss at the same time:

me: it's to help you poo.
brother #5: a-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. innit.

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me: did you see that?
N: what?
me: there's an email in our inbox from a guy called P which says 'thanks Basra', not 'thanks Bushra'.
N: basra?!
office neighbour #2: sounds exotic.
me: hmmm. 'dear P, you watch too much news...'

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this is crazy. i wasn't going to mention how shabina begum won her appeal against that muslim gown ruling last year. i'm not really bothered by it. but whoa. look at all the hate! some guy commented on my previous post about this case, probably finding my site from this google search result (there's a couple of hate links but why would anyone give them a mention, eh?).

i still think she wouldn't have been a 'lesser' muslim if she followed the school's allowances for muslim pupils. but to keep pursuing her case in the face of that hate (plus she dropped her claim for damages and no longer sought an order that the school take her back), well, i'm going to have to do a brian and say You Go, Gairl!

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eh? what?

Hi,
Nice web site - we've reckon it's cool enough to be entered into our links section :

fancy. oh, wait:

We would really appreciate a return link :

errrrrrrrrrrrm. anyway. brother #4 and i both read that interview with dick and dom on saturday, and laughed at how 'on-screen they screw up kids' e-mails if they're boring and make fun of their names'. never watched their show though.

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Snowflakes softly falling, innit. It's like being in one of those snow shakers.

i can't believe that the owner of the little vw (in the corner of the car park of the building opposite) is going out every now and then to clear the snow off his/her car. let it settle!

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'I don't know who you are, but I totally love this photo. If I were dishonest, I would right click it and keep it for myself.'

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overkill, innit.

From: N
To: Bushra
Subject: Vocab

'I have added the word "innit" to my dictionary to avoid any more "what the hell is this word!" spelling error messages popping up when I am replying to you!'

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yahoo search result: 'plan to run away from p.e.'

sorry kid, can't help yer. that's it. no more search engines. time to kick them out. i won't tell you what some person on google.com.pk was searching for, the search string began with the word pure but the rest of it certainly wasn't. ew.

i'm feeling a bit sneezy today. a minute ago i'm sure i could smell smoke. but now it's chips. crazy.

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