fudge it

gimme a tenner? how about a fiver?

brother #5: your eyebrows, they don't look like you've done anything to them, they still look natural.
me: answer's no.
brother #5: ah.

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there are times, you know, when sister #5 and i get on pretty well. we went for a walk yesterday, the high street was fairly quiet. some guy who was walking the other way kept looking at me then sister #5 then back at me again, as if we were aliens or something.

me: ...so anyway, i sent off your driving licence application, so you owe me for that, and i'll let you use my laptop for your coursework later so that's one more, and what the f*ck is his issue?
sister #5: my sister is cool, yo.

i am SO tired.

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Time out for bad behaviour: 'Struggling to balance their faith, family expectations and peer pressure, away from the Islamic Society meetings and gender-segregated Eid dinners, many Muslim young women at university are challenging the kind of life that their parents, imams and more pious peers want them to lead. These social rebels could easily be labelled British Islam's bad girls - defiant, intractable, but most definitely in charge.'

so, that's three years of pointless study down the drain. i could have been having fun the whole time.

[link from brian]

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me: I can't remember asking that. But I do remember you calling me pedantic.
J: Hrr-um. Er, yes. Well. That was all in the past, wasn't it. Anyway. This is funny. I found out about the story via the Times Educational
Supplement (I'm not a regular visitor to Yorkshire Today). It's the way the website he was looking at is described in court which really makes me laugh.
me: my god. i can't stop laughing. "If he hadn't expected sexual images you would not expect to see words such as 'sexy blonde actress gets pie after pie'."
J: In the actual newspaper, there was the additional quote: "I do not believe he was viewing slapstick images. It is evident by their names - take for
example ... Sleazegrinder".
me: I like the way the locals called him Mr Bean. and the bit where he was 'found guilty of singling out students by race, after telling Asian children he did not trust them to use school computers.'

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anyone?

J: '...are you telling me that the American town of Snoqualmie manages to set up an entire website to promote itself without mentioning ONCE that it's where TWIN PEAKS was filmed?'

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J: 'A personal stereo is something which I really feel could improve the quality of life. Not just from the perspective of having music all the time, but also in the sense of providing a useful social barrier. Innit.'

i didn't think i'd get into my mp3 player much (did i tell you that i got an mp3 player? yeah man, it plays mp3s!). i'm going dizzy thinking about all the CDs i want to add and i really should have got the pink hd walkman instead because i really don't think i'm gonna have enough space and i better stop this sentence innit.

i was on the bus home yesterday skipping to a different group of tracks on my mp3 player when a guy sitting a couple of seats away almost jumps forward to look at it. then he takes out his iPod for the benefit of the rest of the passengers on the bus. get him. later on i skip tracks again. and yes, mr 'i have an iPod and david beckham used to have this haircut' takes his iPod out again. so that's why i didn't get one.

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Our Man in Hanoi: Things I love about Vietnam: Last night I got home late and ring for a pizza at nine. I am told: "Maybe tomorrow, I am sorry but the staff are very tired."

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my turn to do the kitchen last night. brother #4 arrives home. he's early.

him: i am the music maaan!
me: you are the music maaan!
him: i come from down your way!
me: you come from down our wa-
him: and i can play!
me: what can you play?
him: the saxophone!
together: saxo- saxo- saxophone, saxophone, saxophone, saaaxo- saxo- saxophone, saxo- saxophone!
him: i knew you'd sing along!
me: that's because i knew you would!
him: i need to go break the news to the mother.
me: what news?
him: i'm HOME!

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postsecret: 'i talked someone into suicide...I love one of my children...I fear I have an undiagnosed mental illness...When Others Pray at Church - I bow my head and think about the tv programs I plan on watching...I wish I was the other twin...I HATE PEOPLE WHO REMIND ME OF MYSELF.'

oh. my. god. just go see.

[link via silent works speak loudest]

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http://www.blocparty.com/downloads/mp3/bloc_party--banquet_(phones_disco_edit).mp3

i keep playing it over and over on my mp3 player. i never thought i'd ever say 'my mp3 player'. this can't be right.

i keep touching my forehead. of course you wouldn't think anything of this, but i need to stop. because every time i get a reminder of how i jumped up suddenly yesterday and hit a wall half a second later.

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just so you know, sister #5 hearts david beckham. she swapped phones with brother #5 last week, but quickly changed her mind when i sent her the following text message: 'brother #5 is going through those david beckham pictures on your old phone. he would like to know how he can delete a folder called Beckham'. so anyway. text conversation this morning:

her: th beckhamz called their baby Cruge! HOW CRUDE?
me: i know you didn't come up with that joke, but it's still crap. and they called him CRUZ.
her: F*CK you k, i try.
me: when's the last time you used the word crude? eh?
her: bout 3 minutes ago ha.
me: before that, smartass.
her: probably neva?

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sister #5's birthday today. this announcement is pink at her request.

her: ha ha! the dad sent me a text message, not you!
me: whatever.
her: they sent me a message, not you, wishing me a happy birthday.
me: what, you want me to be jealous or something? because it's not my birthday...
her: whatever!
me: now that you're 17 it's time you stopped acting like you're 7.
her: ha! i'm not 17 for a couple of hours yet. i was born at 1 in the afternoon.
me: actually, you were born at 11pm.
her: what? no! i'm going to check with the mother! oh my god, my birthday is only one hour long!
me: ha ha!

her friends are calling to wish her happy birthday:

'hello...oh hiya-a-a-a....aaah thank you...my birthday was yesterday though...'

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(this post rips off a format used in an email i got the other day, but still.)

situation report.

1. the dad left for pakistan on thursday. he'll be back in six weeks. as far as i know, i'm not in charge this time. which is good. my memory is a mess these days.

2. niece #1 wanted something from my room today. she's been pretty naughty lately, so i said she could have it only if she made a 'promise to be good for the day'. she couldn't do it. she just couldn't! i suggested she write it down, i even wrote it down for her to copy, 'i promise to be good for the whole day. niece #1, 19-2-05'. she handed me a post-it note with 'i promise not to be good for the whole day. niece #1, 19-2-05'.

3. this is a message to my friends who occasionally like to call me on the home number: don't. the mother has already made brother #4, brother #5 and sister #5's friends cry. no, i can't come out to play, and does your mother know you're on the phone at, what, 8pm?

4. i gotta admit, that was very clever getting sharon to sit in the dark and listen in, wasn't it? wasn't it?

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i don't answer my phone at work much. nobody really has my work number, not even you. so what happens when people ring is i look at the number calling and decide whether i'll answer the call or let it go to voicemail. imagine what the conversation would have been like if i answered a call and spoke to the person leaving this message.

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thanks...

office person K let me upload his pictures from our visit to the birmingham back to back houses last year.

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J: I'm reading old journals on this floppy disk. This is from Thursday February 6 2003:

At lunch time I go for a walk to Gap to look for a sales assistant whom Bushra has told me resembles me. He works in the children's clothes section. I'm wandering around, pretending to look at children's attire, trying to look inconspicuous, when I see the sales assistant. He has mad, staring blue eyes and bad posture. The sight of him makes me laugh. But then I realise I'm standing, by myself, laughing, in the middle of the children's underwear section. A security guard hovers nearby, looking at me in what he probably thinks is a discreet manner. I leave.

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noisy office people havin' a larf on a friday afternoon.

#1: how do you spell 'pfeiffer'?
#2: p-f-i-f-e-r.
#3: don't be silly, it's p-f-i-e-f-e-r.
#2: well just look catwoman up on google then!
#3: why do you want to know how spell that anyway?
#1: just tell me how to spell it! it says here p-f-e-i-f-f-e-r. yes, that looks better.
#3: so why do you want to know how to spell pfeiffer then?
#1: just...
#2: you're typing something...
#4: oh! i know! she's typing 'i. look. like. michelle. pfeiffer...' it is, isn't it? ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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me: you know i'm kidding, right? right?

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a couple of evenings ago, niece #4 and i were heading upstairs, when:

me: wait a minute!
niece #4: bah?
me: hang on...i'm just getting the stopwatch on...ok....go!

niece #4 can climb to the top of the stairs in 30.74 seconds.

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just so you know, it's usually colin and justin.

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look, a music meme thingy from Scooterdeb:

5. Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?
Scooterdeb: 'Brian, because I know he won't participate; CK, because it's not like she has anything else to do at work; and Bushra, because she listens to music ALL the time.'

uh-oh. i'm going to be blogging about music. anyone (this means you, Lee) making fun of my picks will have Scooterdeb to deal with, ok?

10 Random songs from the Party Shuffle in iTunes:
(i don't do iTunes, or the Party Shuffle (what is that?!) but if i did...)
Clouds Like These - Aberdeen
Party - Nelly Furtado
Rich Girl - Gwen Stefani
Aerodynamic - Daft Punk
You've Got Her In Your Pocket - White Stripes
The Rooster - OutKast
The Brainwasher - Daft Punk
Halcyon - Chicane
Genshi - Susumu Yakota
You Make It Easy - Air

1. What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
A pitiful 631 MB.

2. The last CD you bought is:
Harmonium - Vanessa Carlton

3. What is the song you last listened to before this message?
The A Le Menthe - NikkFurie. (This is the song that everyone hoped was on the Ocean's Twelve soundtrack but isn't. You can get it from here.)

4. Five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.
The Drive Home - Chicane
Since I Left You - The Avalanches
Drive - Aberdeen
Explode - Nelly Furtado
Feeling Oblivion - Turin Brakes

5. Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?

Brainhell, Bethany and Har. cos i'm curious.

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very long post alert. fingers can't stop tap-tap-tapping.

so this kid, he sounds about 7 or 8 years old, must have been messing with phone numbers and managed to call my work phone, it looked similar to one of my friend's numbers so i answered it:

me: hello. (i never do office greetings. 99.99% of calls are wrong numbers. no one calls me.)
him: who's this?
me: who's this?
him: why do you wanna know?
me: why do you wanna know?
him: what place did you say this was?
me: why do you wanna know?
him: just wanna. (hangs up.)

2nd call.

me: you again.
him: so what place is this?
me: it's really boring.
him: ok then.
me: bye then.
him: bye.

3rd call.

me: now what?
him: what place did you say you were?
me: i didn't. i told you it was a boring office. you need to stop calling.
him: why?
me: why? why are you calling my phone?
him: just. because i wanna.
me: i'm busy. stop calling. bye.
him: bye.

after that he left 3 missed calls and two voice messages (here's one). kids these days! oh my god. another call:

me: you know i'm really busy so if you don't stop calling i'm going to call the police. (that scares the kids, right?)
him: no please don't, i'll stop it.
me: all right. bye.
him: bye.

i'm never drinking coffee again. ever. 4.30 pm. another message. you have got to listen to this one!

office person: what is it with you and nutters?
me: ah, i'm a nutter magnet, innit.

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who needs matchsticks?

so, if i drink lots and lots of coffee that isn't decaf i'll stay awake all day, right? right? because i really really need to stay awake today, really i do. i just had a coffee, maybe i should have another one. i got these little sachets of coffee, and they don't taste so bad. but there's enough for a cup, not a mug. wait, i know, i know, these sachets yeah, what if i put two in one mug? ha? that'll work, right? won't it? won't it?

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text message argument with sister #5 this morning. it was funny. she started it with a message full of very bad words, so i replied and said i'd keep it as evidence to show everyone (that's the dad, and every sibling older than me, maybe even her favourite uncle in braaaaadford) that deep down, she can be a very mean person. she kept sending replies with a plan to provoke me into sending a similar one back. yeah right.

sister #5: wateva.
me: Guess what? Whatever means NOTHING. It only makes you sound like a baby, which is nothing new, except niece #4 has probably got more common sense than you.

disappointing, isn't it? don't worry. wait until i catch up with her. we argue better face to face.

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'dear cousin, thank you so much for sending me some fudge!'

i never really did think this 'fudge it' business through properly, did i?

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my new shiny sony mp3 thing.

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Open Brackets: 'Dad makes two big decisions: 1) he’s going to have the house painted before putting it on the market, and 2) dude, he wants to get high. A friend of a friend recommends a house painter called Dynamite Bob. Dad’s pleased that Bob is such a dynamite painter, but Bob later confesses that he was thus named for his habit of putting homemade bombs into mailboxes.'

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did anyone else get an invitation from the, wait let me see, School of Communications and Information, Nanyang Technological University (Singapore), to take part in their Ethics and Blogging Survey? or did they look at my blog and think 'hmm. she talks about her family, her friends and her work. let's make her squirm for a bit with our survey.' ah, try it out anyway (oh, only if you have like, 20 minutes to spare!). it did make me think about whether i should be blogging the way i do.

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Left-handers have different view: 'Research has suggested that left-handed people are more susceptible to a range of problems, including allergies, auto-immune diseases, depression, drug abuse, epilepsy, schizophrenia and sleeping disorders. Left-handers are thought to have poorer spatial skills, and thus to be more likely to die in an accident.'

hmm, that's nice to know. oh wait, there's more:

'However, a study published by The Lancet suggested there was no truth in the theory that left-handers are more likely to die prematurely.'

well. that's all right then.

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J: Gah, everybody's life is more interesting than mine. Half-hearted woot.

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sunday headache.

brother #2: anybody get today's paper?
me: i did.
brother #2: let us read it, please? now that you've rested off your sunday headache.
me: fun-ny. hang on, lemme go get it. ok. for brother #1 - the news, sports, and tv section. for sister #4 - the style section. oh, and for brother #2 - we have the simpsons cartoon strips.

also. niece #1 bought her first ever CD today. she let me minidisc it after i let her write the label for it.

(i give it a week before the nieces are shouting 'this shit is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s!')

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So Pete's been in the papers a lot the last couple of weeks; trouble with Kate. The drugs. And I said to a friend, "y'know, when I had a lunch delivery service, a bloke called Pete worked for me, and he looked exactly like him."

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so, i'm thinking, i wonder if our garden is big enough?

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inbox:

'always keep your options open, thats the first rule in being a land buyer!

and from your response you would make a flippin lousy land buyer i think!'

oh dear, my possible alternative career options have like, all gone.

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t'office.

office neighbour: is N not in today?
me: no, she's got the day off.
her: i wonder, has she got an interview?
me: hmm, maybe. in her email she said she had places to go and people to see.
her: mmmm.....

two minutes later:

her: i thought S was in?
me: he is, but he's gone out in to the city centre for a couple of hours.
her: ...
me: oh, i get it. you're worried now, aren't you?
her: i'm getting paranoid!

one minute later:

her: i'm going to lunch. i'll see you when i get back.
me: that's what YOU think.

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that whats-her-name

when niece #1 was a year old and working out names she started calling me 'sha!'

when niece #3 was a year old and learning names she started calling me 'usha!'

this morning, when niece #4 saw me running up the stairs to my room she shouted out 'BAH!'

i think that's the best one yet.

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J: I know you (commendably) don't do war on your weblog. But if I had a weblog, I'd post this:

Soldier doll stars in 'hoax' kidnap: 'The claimed kidnapping of an American soldier in Iraq by Islamic militants, announced on a website that posted a photograph of a figure in military fatigues with a gun to his head, looked increasingly like a hoax last night. After the US military said that no American soldiers were missing, an American toy manufacturer who saw the photo said that the image of the soldier bore a striking resemblance to the African-American version of its “Cody” action figure doll.'

these terrorists must be familiar with the terrorist in the vw polo 'small but tough' advert, innit. i think that would be an advert to look out for. and it would make the dad laugh.

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so, like, where was sister #5 when they were advertising places for Brat Camp? it was so funny watching those kids bawling their eyes out on day 1. you had one kid jenni who was wailing 'but i'll be good, i've changed, i'll go back and be different...' which is a change from: 'I wouldn't listen to my parents. They are so whingy and dramatic about everything. I pushed Mum and she fell to the floor and was like, rolling round. I think my Mum is going to be retarded until she dies.'

i think it's next week when they tell alex her hair has to be all one colour...

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on the bus into the city centre. at the stop before mine, a bunch of people get on and the driver closes the doors. as he is about to pull out a woman runs to the doors and bangs on the windows with the rings on her fingers. a tracksuited kid notices:

'someone wants to get on...oi, driver!'

but the driver isn't having any of it and drives on:

'...oi, driver! nah, you're wounded, you are.'

wounded?

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brother #4 found this (back when we were speaking) teeny tiny mario game on my pc. it'll keep you busy for a bit.

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10½ Years Younger with Nicky Bumblebee Jones.

brother #1 lets the nieces watch 10 years younger. especially all the procedures like acid peels and the one where the woman had her teeth filed down and veneers fitted.

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some people are convinced i'm going to get in trouble for blogging about work. which i don't. much.

the next time an office person sends you an email with a 'smartass' reply (that's the senders way of putting it, not mine) to your teeny tiny request for (possible) assistance, don't act. that's right. do nothing. wait for them to call you and apologise. it works for me, anyway.

random office person who i won't name: he was disappointed when you didn't show up to work on friday, he couldn't wait to see how you'd react.
me: that must mean he spent the whole weekend feeling guilty about it...very good!

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