fudge it

so today, i had a shouting match with brother #4 (the dad was referee, and he agreed with me). the thing is brother #4 asked to borrow the net md recorder that i got for sister #4 but i was using it myself for a couple of days. he wanted to take it to his friends house, who wanted to stick some mp3's onto minidisc. well. i said no. on the basis that every time he borrows (or is that lends?) something it never comes back in its original condition.

me: like the lawnmower! your mate has a garden less than half the size of ours and when we got the lawnmower back the blade was all mangled!
brother #4: yeah, yeah, you're just using that as an excuse!
me: yeah! a good excuse!
brother #4: you're just being stingy!
me: not my fault you can't take it! i said no right at the start!

i just want to add: throwing a tantrum isn't going to help, and accusing me of being stingy when you've nicked my origins get down clay mask and stuck it in your wash bag doesn't make you look any better either.

(the end. glad we got that cleared up. who's next?)

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so like, on friday i spent the whole day sneezing, coughing, sleeping and feeding my addiction to beechams flu plus (hot berry fruits flavour, man. don't try it unless you're sick, though). and then later in the afternoon, sister #5 arrived home from school:

sister #5: open the door?
me: eh? what?
sister #5: open your door a minute please?
me: wha-a-a-at? what is it?
sister #5: just open the door!
me: just tell me what it is!
sister #5: will you please open the door?
so i manage to make my way to the door without hitting a wall/door/sharp corner.
me: i'm sick. what is it?
sister #5: make me something to eat?
me: ...i'm gonna go back to my bed. goodbye.

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The Crazy Frog sound? That's my fault. 'The sight of a strange blue-grey frog with a helmet and goggles, revving up an imaginary motorbike while making an infuriating "ding ding dididing" noise, is familiar to much of the country. In fact to most of them it's too familiar... far, far too familiar.'

it's familiar, it's annoying, and sister #5 and niece #3 can do that "ding ding dididing" thing all. day. long.

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'...the little old lady was Moazzem Begg’s grandma.'

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typical evening a few days ago. brother #1 and the nieces yelling upstairs, sister #5 in her room plus her friend from next door. about this friend, she likes to gazump sister #5 in the trend stakes. a while back sister #5 barely mentioned a pringle bag she had her eye on, and the friend pestered her mum and bought it the next day, and flashes it about all 'look at my new bag!' that kinda thing. so i'm making my way upstairs, and i have a conversation with brother #1 about the ipod shuffle. we both agree it's very impressive. then i make my way to sister #5's room. her friend has been listening in:

her: my mum said she's going to get me one of those!
me: get you what?
her: an iPod shuttle.
me: that's nice.

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happy birthday brother #4.

  

(you wazzock.)

i bought him a bag of smelly grooming products in a nice zip up bag. cos we all know how much he loves them, right? he unpacked them in the kitchen:

brother #4: facial wash! styling gel! shower gel! have you any idea how i feel right now?
sister #4: huh?
brother #4: papa i'm a millionaire!

at least he didn't copy brother #5's recent behaviour by hugging me. i can't stop sneezing today.

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Muslims Against ADvertising: 'That's right, there is no longer any need to cringe as you walk past a sleazy poster, we'll improve it. With our team of poster improvement profesionals, no poster is too difficult for MAAD to improve.'

this is kinda old news as the dad and the brothers were talking about it over the weekend (plus, because it featured in the papers the site went down as it exceeded its bandwidth limit). the story about the MAAD activists caught by the police made me laugh:

Maad activists were caught improving the "Opium" advertisement that features Roald Dahl's granddaughter, Sophie Dahl in her birthday suit. The police gave chase after spotting our heroic brethren in the act. Our nimble brothers were no match for the Police though, at one point a truncheon wielding police man running after 'pretty boy' Shazad and 'Hong Kong Fui' Akram fell over for no apparent reason, help from the unseen perhaps.

(site disclaimer: If you are currently in a MAAD state of outrage and would like to let us know, please bear in mind that there is a strong satirical element to this site.)

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work emails: keep them formal

office person: i’m cobbling together an agenda based on our usual items but in the meantime does anyone have any specific items which they would like to add?
the authority: how about the craft of shoe repairs.
me: and whether the 24th of january was in fact, the most depressing day ever.
the authority: was that why you were off?
me: i had a bug, i tell you!

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ow!

my eyes hurt. the mother bought me some painkillers (solpadeine) because it was killing her to see her lovely daughter all sick.

me: how much?
her: what?
me: you've never bought me painkillers before. how much were they?
her: i don't know what you mean. i picked up some cold and flu tablets for you too.
me: aha! see now i've seen these going cheap, so how much was the solpadeine?
her: ok ok, i got them at a 75% discount.
me: i thank you very much.

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the dad. part 3.

saturday. there's a new word in the papers today: 'bushite.' this afternoon, as the dad was doing his own DIY thing with the wiring behind the tv in the living room, i spied his copy of the daily jang on the sofa. on the english pages there was a picture of some people demonstrating, with those cards on sticks. one card said 'stop the killing' and it obstructed some of the lettering on the card in the background, which read as 'stop the bushit stop the war.'

me: didn't you call me 'bushit' when i was a kid?

the dad beams as i have recalled what he thinks is a happy memory. 'oh yes, i did, didn't i?'

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the dad. part 2.

friday. the dad is on the hunt for a screwdriver. i remind him that i have a set and he can borrow one of mine. working on the lighting in his room, he's got tools everywhere and his DIY lamp switched on, and he's ranting and raving at sister #2:

him: putting this stupid bloody lampshade on, she messed up with the wiring and now the light doesn't work.
me: i see.
him: where's this screwdriver you were going on about?
me: here. are you sure it's not just that the light bulb has died?
him: no it's not. there. now go test it.
me: ok. (no light.)
him: hmmm. (takes out the light bulb, then using a rag, he takes out the bulb from the DIY lamp, and puts it on the main lighting socket.) now try it.
me: ok. (there is light.) a-ha!
him: mmmfffnnnnhhhmm.

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the dad. part 1.

thursday evening, 10.30pm. i have just finished washing up in the kitchen (sister #5 was meant to do it but let's not go there). i made a plate of chips. nice. the dad arrives.

him: you children...
me: what?
him: you must all really hate me so much...
me: ha?
him: ...you go out of your way to make my life so miserable for me. what have i ever done to you?
me: what?! what is it?
him: some stupid little dog of a person has done something to my phone...

some dipshit left the predictive text function on again.

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on the bus home. it's very boring. there's a woman standing right at the front of the bus, well she's swaying more than standing. some kids press the stop button and make their way behind her, thinking she's going to get off too. when the bus stops, she stays put. the bus driver leaves the doors open, expecting people to get off the bus. 'carry on driver, i want the next stop, not this one,' she tells him. the driver explains there are people standing behind her who want to get off. 'no, there isn't, just carry on.' then she looks behind her and sees there are some kids who want to get off. she sways to the left, as the kids get off the bus one of them mutters something at her. the doors are still open, so she shouts at them: 'you ain't never lost anyone, have ya?'

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office neighbour is having a laugh at this update on the guy who kept stealing surgical masks from hospitals:

Surgical mask fetishist jailed: 'A man with a fetish for surgical masks who became a "menace" to NHS staff has been jailed for three years. Norman Hutchins, 53, of York, phoned hospitals and dental surgeries saying he needed the masks for charity events, Leeds Crown Court heard on Thursday.'

office neighbour: this man doesn't need to go to jail, he needs to be in a psychiatric unit!

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office person N sent me this link, which lists a whole bunch of things you can do when you're bored (N: and lets face it who isn't?). i chose artpad, which will let you view a flash animation of the picture i painted. and even better, here's N's offering.

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another eid happening.

brother #2: look. richard and judy are going to be talking about the 'wam-pire.'
me: yeah, but you have to listen to 45 minutes of richard before they actually get to it. listen. that's your friend downstairs, isn't it?
brother #2: i can't hear anything.
me: let me check. yes. it's him. and he's brought his kids, dennis the menace and whatshername, minnie the minx. the parents only needed to invite them for one eid, but no, let's have 'em round every eid!
brother #2: let me know when he's sitting in the posh living room. then i'm going to make a run for it.

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UK young top Euro earnings league: 'British children enjoy the highest average annual income in Europe - more than double that of Spanish or Italian youngsters, a report suggests.'

i don't care, let them take your money, so long as they shut up. sister #5 sounds exactly like vicky pollard these days.

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i stayed at home today. i stayed at home to spend eid with my family. i got into three arguments, and i've just shouted at sister #4 for pestering me. the dad has arrived.

the dad: nephew #4 is sleeping. must you shout so loud?
me: she's doing my head in.
the dad: don't shout at her next time. just give her a slap.
me: i'll do that.
the dad: and you (to sister #4), if she hits you, just hit her back.

the nieces are screaming for help now. brother #4 is carrying them towards the kitchen sink. sister #4 is sitting in the corner, in her bright eyeshadow and jangly jewellery, saying 'what are you writing about?'

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grr...

one of the office people (who control everything) is making his way around the offices, to find out who is sitting at what desk.

office neighbour #2: so, can you tell us what this is about?
him: oh, it's just to find out where people sit. i mean, on our old records bushra here doesn't even exist.
office neighbour: ha! i can confirm that!
him: oh, while i'm here, something else i wanted to ask you about was your headphones. are they any good?
me: they're really good. they can cancel a lot of noise like office neighbour saying 'have i had my coffee yet?'

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10 things that make you forward e-mails: '10. Ignore points one to nine...finding the right e-mail which will go round the world depends on having the X-factor, something novel which will grab people's attention and distract them long enough from their work.'

no, i'm not going to forward it.

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hmm. a bit of a kerfuffle about the 'vampire' story yesterday. brother #2 is still insisting that the stories are true, and that the women should stay indoors.

brother #2: they showed fifteen people on the news, they'd been attacked!
me: what are you on about? there was two!
the dad: yes, there was only two.
me: and they were both guys! there was only one guy who appeared to have bitten. other than that it was smashed up car windows! it's just a silly rumour.
the dad: yes, a silly rumour.
brother #2: when you get bitten...

brother #2 = vitalstatistix - the sky is going to fall on his head any minute.

other news: niece #3 looked at the AIM icon on my PC and said 'look. it's the gingerbread man.'

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oh, you mean dooced!

dooce: 'Recently many people have been losing their jobs because of things they have posted on their websites because PEOPLE DON‘T PAY ATTENTION. Have I taught the Internet NOTHING from my stupidity? You can’t write about work on your blog without repercussions, especially when you say things like “molestation” and “smacking of the bitch up” in relation to your boss. Just stop doing it, okay?'

much as i'd love to post stuff about the noisy office people, i won't anymore. especially when i knew one of them liked reading the anytown nhs trust blog.

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text message at 6pm: 'watch itv news now its showin d freak who bites people & its no myth.'

i missed that bulletin, but i caught the one at 6.30 on BBC1. there were pictures of a giant bite mark on someones head, and smashed car windows. a couple of guys appeared on the news saying they've been attacked and the police aren't taking it seriously. no mention of metal caps on teeth. sister #5 still won't be leaving the house, thanks. i still think none of it is true. right?

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the end of anytown NHS trust: 'Alas, the end is near. It's time to face the final curtain. Don't worry! I've not been Dooced like Joe Gordon. And (unfortunatley) I haven't sold out like Belle de Jour. Lets just say something has happened that has made carrying on this blog in its current form difficult.'

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did you hear about...

so, hey. last week J and i were talking about these 'vampires' running around birmingham.

J: It's great living in such a multicultural city though, isn't it. I mean, where else in the country would Somali vampires be biting chunks out of Asian women and then be chased by white policemen in helicopters?

but like, there's no stories in the news about it anywhere. until today.

'Vampire takes a bite out of Brum: Urban myths have occasionally been known to nudge the boundaries of credibility, but the people of Birmingham are finding it difficult to laugh off the possibility that a vampire could be lurking in the city. Stories about a man who stalks the streets, sinking his teeth into passers-by, began to emerge from the Ward End area of the city last month.'

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ah yes. too much birthday cake.

so i was cleaning the house windows, well, all the ones accessible on our step ladder anyway. when i got to cleaning the porch windows brother #5 was thinking it was funny to start bumping the ladder with his car. so i'm standing on the ladder shouting 'think you're funny? think you're funny, do you?' while sister #5 is watching and screaming with laughter. and then when i cleaned the inside of the porch windows i hit my head on the lamp, which must have left me a bit dazed because when i got into brother #2's car later i totally misjudged the roof and slammed my head against that. how many fingers? ah, that's a tough question.

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11.38pm. in just under half an hour, it will be one year to the day niece #4 was born. but judging by the number of loud and drunk people passing the house this last hour, it would seem the celebrations have started early. and i haven't even put the balloons and '1 today' banner up yet.

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tmftml on the the cult of apple: 'Just minutes earlier, at the close of his Macworld keynote address at Moscone Center, Apple CEO Steve Jobs had said he'd "heard a rumor" that the iPod shuffle was available at the nearby Apple Store, two blocks north. That set off a rush of more than 100 people who couldn't wait to get their hands on the new product.'

there was a picture of steve jobs in the paper today. i'm telling you, he looks like that alan yentob.

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'ere mate, get the 'eart thingy out the glovebox, will yer?

Binmen could treat heart patients: 'Binmen could give life-saving treatment to heart attack patients in a rural area of England. Crews would carry defibrillators, machines which give electric shocks, under the plan being considered by Staffordshire Moorlands Council.'

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this could be a simple post but nooooo. before i tell you what i actually want to tell you i have to start with how this afternoon i will look as if i can't stop patting my desk with my right hand. eh? well. i might write with my left hand, but i work the mouse with my right hand, nothing is ever simple is it. but today i've got this weird little pain that goes from between two of my fingers and into my palm, and every time i go for the mouse it makes me think 'ow!' so, i'm slowly working the mouse with my left hand. which means i can't click away from the fugging it up blog fast enough should an authoritative office person approach my desk. if heat magazine was a bit more bitchier on it's 'what were you thinking?' pages, it still wouldn't be as good as this, because there's no excuse for having stuff like 'botox gone wrong' as front page news for three weeks at a time.

[thanks to N for the link.]

(also. you might get this. or you might not. but the blog is 786 days old today.)

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they're back.

remember J? remember K?

K: "Are you with us, J?"
J: "No."
K: "Where are you?"
J: "I'm in 1990. In West Bridgford, in Nottingham."
K: "Are you a student?"
J: "Yes. I'm listening to Kinky Afro by The Happy Mondays on my personal
stereo."

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N: this is for u.

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Torture to uncover brain secrets: 'Oxford University scientists will carry out experiments on hundreds of people in a bid to understand how the brain works during states of consciousness. One aspect of the two-year study will involve followers of both religious and secular faiths being burnt to see if they can handle more pain than others. Some volunteers will be shown religious symbols such as crucifixes and images of the Virgin Mary during the torture.'

mad, innit.

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brother #5 has an interview today, he was up bright and early and with time to kill he came jumping into my room. he picks up the what used to be the spare lip balm.

me: do you know how many people have come into my room and used that?
him: huh?
me: everyone!
him: hmm. lemme have it.
me: take it.
him: huh. ghd. i suppose that stands for good hair day.
me: how did you know that?
him: duh! it says professional styling irons so it's obvious ghd stands for good hair day.
me: wow.
him: see! i'm sharp innit! i'm a sharp geezer!

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met sister #4 on the way home. we sat on the bus going on and on about our phones:

me: you'll never guess what! i can get flickr on my phone, i can see my pictures on my phone!
sister #4: can i view them on my phone?
me: yeah, i'll set you up as a contact.
sister #4: what do you think of my 6230? i can use bluetooth to get the files off my T610!
me: very good!
sister #4: oh, and when you call me on the T610, do you want to see what picture i saved to your number?
me: go on then.
sister #4: ok you need to call my phone first...



me: wow.
sister #4: notice the zombie eyes?

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the duel: not suitable for that monday-morning-following-a-weekend-of-painkillers feeling. or wait, maybe it is...

[via linkmachinego, which sums this up better than me: Duelling Banjos as performed by a squirel and a penguin. Co-starring some pigs, the Dukes of Hazzard, the RSPCA and a cameo appearance by Burt Reynolds.]

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Should Sikh play have been cancelled? Would the REP have allowed the play to commence if it was staged in a mosque - I think not, the consequences would have been even more severe.

Should BBC have shown Jerry Springer opera? If this had been about the Muslim faith or other beliefs the BBC would, rightly or wrongly, not have screened it.

you know how people tell you to wait, just wait a little before you fire off that angry email? i waited a bit before i fired off an angry blog post, so all i'm going to say is this argument, you know, the 'if it had been about muslims/islam...' line, it's getting old now. and annoying.

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this is another of those 'don't kids say funny things?' posts. in the kitchen with niece #1 yesterday, who was colouring in some flowers.

niece #1: i'm hungry.
me: i'm making some pasta later, d'you want some?
niece #1: mmf.
me: i said, i'm making some pasta later, d'you want some?!
niece #1: duh! i said yeah! i'm not blind!

also:

GameBoy classics revived for gamers: Nostalgia can be a wonderful thing - but the latest batch of classic Nintendo Entertainment System titles to be dug up from the past onto the GameBoy Advance makes you realise just how cruel a mistress time is.

i doubt this will stop brother #1 from getting Zelda II, though.

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this is why i never borrow my brothers or sisters anything!

brother #2: whose is this glove?
me: it was mine. someone lost my other one.
sister #5: ...
brother #2: never mind. it's all the rage to wear one glove...
me: yeah, if you're michael jackson maybe.
brother #2: don't you mean michael jackass? hee-hee!
me: ...

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office neighbour needed a hand with her email, she was sending out a meeting request for the office people:

her: how do i end this?
me: say 'that is all.'
her: ...
me: it's how i end my emails to the others anyway. i'll let you use it just this once.
her: i think it would sound a lot different coming from me.
me: hmm. i think you may be right.

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N: I have put a zeitgeist on my blog - just for fun!

when she sent this i didn't have a clue what N was talking about, for about five seconds. but i've added the flickr zeitgeist thing to my blog. so you can see more than one, three or five pictures i've taken.

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blimey.

from attempt to be hip:

Him:"You know what? Can I say something? You have a extremely cute voice"
*Awkward Silence*
Me: "......Thank you?"
*More Silence*
Him: "I bet you're hot. Hey Luke, come here! This chick sounds so hot. Ma'am hold on a second, I am getting my room mate to hear you..."

read the full entry here.

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for this post i will be typing without the use of either of my index fingers. this is a lot more difficult than you think, but i have a habit of correcting my mistakes, fingers or no fingers. the left one you should already know about. the right index finger just got squashed when i went to pull my chair under my desk. ow ow ow ow ow. anyway. sister #4 called me at work:

me: hello.
her: hello. what are you doing?
me: i'm not going to answer that.
her: lemme guess, you're either working or blogging.
me: what do you want, exactly?
her: here's the list of junk food you owe me.
me: yes, but does this mean you're talking to me?
her: hmm. no.
me: here's the thing. i said i'd get you this junk food only if you started speaking to me again.
her: ah.
me: you can't stay mad forever. the junk food depends on it.
her: all right then. i'm speaking to you again.
me: now go away.

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the leader of the noisy office people was singing quietly as he stuffed some envelopes:

'we had joy...we had fun...we had seasons in the sun...'

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the noisy office people were picking apart the casting for the coming soon da vinci code movie.

#1: who's going to play the albino? that, that what-his-name...
#2: silas.
#1: that's the one. who's going to play him?
#3: you know who they've got playing robert langdon? tom hanks.
#2: tom hanks.
#3: i know. that's not good casting. not good casting at all.
#2: you know who they shoulda used? harrison ford or someone.

also.

S: so. i finally finished darwin's origin of species, and i'm going to make a start on the da vinci code.
me: you still won't let me tell you about how rubbish it is?
S: no. you can't give anything away.

so, who is playing the albino then?

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from urban dictionary: 'big up': to give respect or to acknowledge someone.

me: i had to run out of the house early this morning.
S: why's that?
me: the mother had the food processor going at 7am for half an hour.
S: ha! a good effort.
me: a good effort? what do you mean, a good effort?
S: anyone who can get up that early and have the blender going for half an hour is made of tougher stuff than me.
me: i'll make sure i tell her that.
S: you do that. you give her a 'big up' from me.
me: ...

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me: sunday's drive out to bradford saw the dad drive into the back of some poor guy's lexus (i say that because he was very nice about it all. he even wished the dad a safe journey). but you know, i think i hurt my neck a bit. i'm going to leave early and see the nurses at the walk-in centre in boots.
brian: I'll put the kettle on....but you should seek professional help too. That's an order, dammit!
me: hope your monday is better!
brian: Ummmm.....Bushra.....check your calendar....

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things nephew #2 was prepared to do, just so i'd take his picture:

wait. let me go through my pictures for this....

1. smile sweetly with nephew #1 and nieces #1, #2, and #3.
2. growl.
3. adopt the thinking man pose.
4. wear my watch and and look at it while holding my phone to his ear.
5. climb on the banisters in the hall and look like he was stuck. he can panic if you want him to.
6. let nephew #1 sit on his lap, while he sat on niece #3's lap, who sat on niece #2's lap, who was sitting on niece #1's lap. niece #1 didn't get squashed.
7. put my bag on his shoulder. and smile very sweetly.
8. pose like a superhero in the robin hood hat he got with his happy meal.

look. the blog is 777 days old today.

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me: in bradford. nephew #2 has just discovered the pain of biting his tongue.
J: what about the pain of being in bradford?

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bogol: 'its good bolg etaqitte whan ur in an argumant too act liek the other guy is a totle idiot an also a lyin a-hole. thats becas he usaly is. an so are u probly or u wuldn be arguin wiht him.'

i'm thinking it's funny. but i can't be sure.

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