fudge it

sitting in the kitchen, having a cup of tea, listening to my walkman (i was washing up earlier, y'see. where would i be without this?). the dad walks in and waves his arms to get my attention.

the dad: goodbye. i'm going to bed.
me: g'night dad.
the dad: if anybody calls, i'm asleep.
me: if anybody calls, we're all asleep.

bushra | permalink | |

i just had the best packet of crisps in the world. ever.

i met some friends from uni yesterday. we went shopping. but that's not what i want to tell you about. one of them said:

'after 2004, 2005 has got to be bright, innit.'

K: so, what are you doing for new year?
me: oh, i'll probably sleep through it, like i always do.

what i'm trying to say is, h-h-happy new year.

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office neighbour: i've just found your website...

(uh, who else has found this blog/webpage/whatever?)

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2004, innit.

still quiet. i've decided i'm going to make a list. you've got lists absolutely everywhere. best album, worst album mainly. look at this listwatch. i figured i wanted to do something different with hardly any effort required.

so there i am, clearing out my inbox of er, correspondence that serves 'no current purpose' in preparation for the FOI (only a loser would click that) and i got it.

extracted (what a word) from J's emails, here's a list of sentences ending with innit:

One wouldn't leave a letter like that in one's tray next to everybody else's trays unless one wanted others to see it, innit.
Bit of a leg-crossing moment, innit.
Electric shocks really hurt, innit.
The quality of life means nothing to people, innit.
At least in the latter case you have the opportunity to be inventive, innit.
Cricket is just men standing around rubbing their balls on their trousers, innit.
Mumble mumble mumble, innit.
Here, that's good, innit.
Spooky, innit.
You don't get out of it that easily, innit.
You don't realise how fortuitous your former circumstances were until it's too late, innit.
Well, it's all computer nerds, innit.
Sort of, in your case, innit.
Wa-hey, that's a pretty cool bit of kit, innit.
100% tosser, innit.
My point was, these new pioneering medical techniques always seem to have side effects, innit.
This whole tray-shaking business; that's quite unnerving, innit.
No comment required, innit.
That's kinda, like, too much information though, really, innit.

it made me laugh when i made it, anyway. get well soon, innit.

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now you see me, now you don't. one way of passing the time at work, innit.

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so last night, while i was in the kitchen (i spend a lot of time in the kitchen, not cooking but cleaning) sister #5 sent me a text message from her room, which is directly above the kitchen:

hav u got a little radio with am or mw on it

so i sent her a text message back:

this is your big sister. i live in the same house as you. would it have killed you to come and ask me face to face?

doh.

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i woke up with a headache this morning. well, it was a headache that was around since yesterday afternoon. so you know when you wake up and you're in pain, and you're thinking 'why is this headache not going away? what's it all about?' and then you remember it's probably because you hit your head on a wall (yes, brian, that wall) really really hard the day before? it must be that.

so quiet at work. playing this cd on my pc. no one else can hear it cos i've got my earphones with me, but a little while back one of the office people was waving his arms around in time to track 4, which made me laugh.

number of times i've had to get out of my chair so the office lights know i'm here: 2.

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brian: Bushra, uncool? Quite frankly, I find that rather difficult to believe.
me: that, is quote of the year.

in the kitchen keeping an eye on the nieces. they're making cards, scribbling on paper, oh and on the tablecloth too. niece #4 comes crawling into the kitchen, sits back on her knees, raises her arms and roars.

niece #3: fan-tastic!

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one day, out of nowhere, a bag of cashew nuts appeared in the house. i think the mother picked them up from somewhere. anyway. we had a bunch of visitors from (where else but) bradford on friday. they gobbled up a whole bunch of these cashews. thing is while the packet said 'spicy cashews' the cashews were in fact coated in extra hot chilli powder. the dad wasn't happy. later i found the cashews all laid out on a tray drying near the oven. the dad had washed them.

me: you washed them?
the dad: twice.
me: let them go. just buy a bag of salted or plain ones.
the dad: no, these can be saved. but i'm going to write a very angry letter to the people selling this stuff and tell them how stupid i think they are.
me: well ok. i still think you should let them go. i can still taste the chilli in 'em.

then he put them in the oven, kind of roasting them for a couple of hours. now he thinks they're ok. but they're not. anyway. forget the cashews. one of the visitors was the mother's youngest brother. he thinks he's so funny.

him: how's your eyesight these days?
me: good enough to notice you've put on weight.

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'tell me EXACTLY what you said...'

one of my friends called for me today.

sister #5: hello?
caller: oh hiya, where's bushra? i'm at my sister's wedding and i can't find her anywhere.
sister #5: she's shopping.
caller: she's shopping?!
sister #5: er, yeah.
caller: tell her i'm going to kill her when i see her, okay?
sister #5: okay!

if anybody asks, you haven't seen me.

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me: i need my cable thingy for the pc.
sister #5: what for?
me: i want to put these pictures of the snow up.
sister #5: snow? what snow?
me: look outside.
sister #5: eek!

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sister #4: you'd better be ready tomorrow morning! i'll make sure i call you early and wake you up!
me: but i don't wanna go shopping!

sister #2, who thinks i might a little too disappointed at not being able to visit, has told sister #4 to drag me along to the crazy sales tomorrow. 'you know, it'll give her a chance to relax. tell her to chill out.' my eye it will.

bushra | permalink | |

boo! remember how i was going to bradford yesterday? cancelled. brother #5 has hurt his neck. he was wrestling some kid at work (i know), and managed to really really hurt his neck. so i was a bit disappointed at not getting to see the nephews, but seeing brother #5 wearing one of those collars round his neck and acting like some big softie makes up for it.

instead i'm going to cut sister-in-law #1's hair and try my best to ignore sister #5.

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sister #4: please please please can we go shopping for a tv/dvd player?
brother #1: no! not on this side of christmas!

i'll be back, on the other side of christmas, innit. if you're going to be the only person visiting this blog during this teeny tiny break, you can waste your time sitting at your pc in disbelief at this latest offering on ebay:

AUTHENTIC BLACK COUNTRY CANAL WATER! in time for xmas! water comes complete with: bits of coal from wartime (collected from my garden as i live over an old mine shaft) someones old finger from death (probably needed by west midlands police for forensic testing but hey! u will enjoy it more) part of an old kwik save trolley! and your usual scum, mutated fish etc! i am completely genuine, so i expect my buyers to be also!

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yesterday evening there were two kids sitting opposite me on the bus home, talking to each other in a foreign language. one of them asks me if i have a watch. not for the time, but if i have a watch. so he can look at it and check the time. ten minutes later they start talking about the playstation games they've bought. and then they start play fighting:



this was some serious play fighting. the guy asking for the watch (he's on the right) manages to twist the other kids arm, who then hides his face in his hat for a minute, pretending to cry. then he quickly manages to grab the first kids hand and bend it back. the woman next to me, stops reading her big issue for a moment, puts it on her lap and glares at them like a teacher until they stop. which they did:



and when she starts reading her magazine again they start hitting each other on the head. until the kid on the left decides he's had enough and he's getting off the bus. the other kid sits there muttering to himself, thinking he's bluffing. when he realises he isn't he jumps out of his seat before the bus drives off.

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don't forget...

the mother: so are you and brother #5 still going to sister #2's house this weekend?
me: yes.
her: ok. that's nice.
me: hmmm.
her: i've got some things i want you to take, there's some chicken...
me: ok...
her: or wait. i'll cook one for her and you can take that...
me: sure...
her: visit my sister. i know her kids are terrible but she's not so bad...
me: right...
her: and don't forget to visit my mother, she broke her arm last month...
me: uh-huh...
her: maybe you could take her some honey. no, i'm sure my brother will have bought her some...
me: that's alright then.

later:

sister #2: so you're going to come, right?
me: right.
her: make sure brother #5 packs a bag, he never does...
me: ok...
her: and don't fall asleep on the way here, in case he misses a turn somewhere...
me: i won't...

starting to feel a bit....woozy. i know there's something else, i know i've forgotten something... oh yeah. the plants.

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i was back at my desk for at least five minutes before i noticed this teeny tiny christmas card stuck under my elbow. it's that small! and er, if you didn't get my card this year, it musta got lost in the post or something, so here's another one instead.

also. they're getting festive at planet 3. they even built a snowman. i won't tell you what happened to it.

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musn't forget...

Bushra,

Sorry I forgot to ask, please could you be kind and give the plants some water on Friday?

Many many thanks,
office neighbour

bushra | permalink | |

i'm bored!

bushra | permalink | |

want a pokia for your nokia?

er, no thanks.

bushra | permalink | |

sister #5 + brother #5 = trouble. LOTS of trouble.

sister #5: i'm tougher than you.
brother #5: don't make me laugh.
her: come on then. arm wrestle!
him: what?!
her: or are you chicken?
him: put it there!
(brother #5 wins the first four. sister #5 just about wins the last arm wrestle by using both her hands, standing up and using all her weight, plus a little slack from brother #5.)
him: ha! think you're hard, do you? eh?
her: you and bushra have an arm wrestle.
me: no, that's okay.
him: come on...
me: seriously, no thanks.
her: or are you chicken?
(brother #5 grabs my hand. i'm not even going to try. brother #5 lets me win.)
her: ha?
me: ha?
brother #5: whoa.
her: ohmigod! you got your ass kicked by your sister!
me: ...

bushra | permalink | |

...if she is found guilty, Rachelle's ghoulish claim to notoriety will be as the blogging world's first killer.

J: I suppose if you lived in Alaska you'd have to kill somebody sooner or later.

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brian: you WANT one, don't you?!
me: well DUH!
brian: And, you know, now I have a cover photo for my hiphop album!
me: well. a hip-hop album. moving up in the world, ain'tcha?
brian: Up? Surely that would be down?!
me: of course. i knew that.

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the office people are leaving to sing carols, and they pass my desk on the way out:

'don't even think of taking pictures with that phone of yours...'

as they get nearer to the door, i say:

'well what about an audio recording? i can always record it?'

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it was the glitter what won it.

M has just given me first prize (a chocolate biscuit selection from M&S) for the christmas decoration competition. the nieces are going to go CRAZY.

bushra | permalink | |

christmas never fails to give me excuses to blog.

N: so are you coming along to sing christmas carols later?
me: i'm going to make some hot chocolate.
S: er...
N: so are you coming along to sing christmas carols then?
me: did i tell you i was going to make hot chocolate?

it's weird. all the christmas-iness at my old job was annoying. but i don't mind people being all christmassy here.

M is going to announce who won her christmas decoration competition. when i told them about it the nieces made stars.

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Should Sikh play have been cancelled? 'Only two people protested in defence of the play. Where were the normally outspoken, young, hip and happening crowd of Birmingham?'

they were getting thrown out of ipanema, innit.

enter new noisy office person. talk is still on yesterday's christmas do.

'i know i was quiet...just sitting in the corner...it's cos i'm shy really.'

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i've been deleting a lot of xmas fwds, but if you're going to send one called sling shot santa, well...

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yesterday the noisy office people went for their christmas party/meal/do thing. another office person saw them getting ready to go.

her: so where are you off to then?
noisy office person: the brasshouse.
her: what, to eat?
noisy office person: well, hopefully.

today one of them can't stop chirping: 'lightweight! lightweight!'

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'we were nt mnt 2 b 2gether.'

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phone is ringing. a-ha. it's that unidentified caller who has been leaving a lot of 'missed calls' on my phone lately, but i've never answered because i'm either asleep or away from my phone. ach. it was the phone people. this is the bit where they try and talk me into staying with their phone company. i told him i'd found a better deal, one that lets me send 200 text messages plus 25 picture messages a month for a tenner:

him: what are you going to do about phone calls?
me: i just won't make any.
him: you won't make phone calls anymore.
me: nope.
him: ...

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the balloons sitting behind my desk were starting to annoy me with their floatiness, when i heard them being picked up. they're heading my way again:

me: stop it...
M: i'm sorry, i can't help it!

one landed under my desk. i kicked it only for it to land in the dustbin. of course it wasn't intentional.

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(this is it with the page. trust me.)

uh, remember that weird song that wouldn't go away this summer (don't answer that, i know there was plenty of 'em)? this here is what would happen if you stuck dragostea din tei (thanks N) in the fudge it blender, and then added a wannabe star wars kid who (duh) left his webcam on.

almost choked on my cup of tea, i tell yer.

[link via bandbaja]

bushra | permalink | |

Poles play with GameBoy 'blip-pop':The Gameboyzz Orchestra Project has taken the game sounds to put together music tunes they have dubbed "blip-pop." Think of it as Donkey Kong meets Norman Cook, or maybe Tetris takes on Kraftwerk.

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stop laughing. it's not funny. this is serious.

it's always the little things, innit.

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what does a space ranger actually DO?

watching films today. sister #5 started to get really sick of me when i kept shouting out lines from toy story while she was watching it with the nieces.

and shock! brother #1 actually found a dvd of mine that he wanted to watch. in return he lent me amores perros. he says it's really good.

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i'm trying to get the washing up done, dammit.

me: ah! you're wearing that stuff again!
him: what?
me: i dunno what it is, but it smells really strong.
him: it's helmut lang.
me: it reminds me of that musk the dad used to keep in little tins. that stuff used to knock me out. and it made me feel really sick.
him: i'll have to get you a bottle of this then.

ugh. it's not just this one that i don't like. i remember my english teacher used to wear some strong stuff. an hour in a classroom with her would always make my eyes water. years later sister-in-law #1 sprayed the same stuff on. sam-sara. bleh. the only stuff i'm happy with is er, happy.

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i'm glad i've got a nokia because now i can switch my phone off overnight and the alarm will still go off. my old phone wouldn't let me do this so brother #4 would call me at 1/2/3am every time he forgot his keys. last night he left his keys in the door, the mother found them and he tried to blame me. don't worry, he was within hitting reach.

but on the other hand, 95% of the family owns a nokia phone, and they're always nicking each others phone battery chargers. the dad is the easiest target. i've suggested he loosen and expose one of the wires on his charger, that'll teach 'em. he likes that suggestion.

and i'm going to have to learn how to send text messages on it again. honest, it's like trying to learn to write with my right hand or something.

as for the old phone, i let niece #4 eat it (don't worry, it wasn't switched on and there was no loose wiring either):

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the adventures of the new noisy office person:

1. answers the phone: oh hello, i was just talking about you and your dickie bow.

2. returns to his desk: oooh, i've got a package! i hope it's noggin the nog.

3. to his manager: i was talking to the girl who used to work here but has that job upstairs now? she said, do they ever talk about me downstairs? and i said no.

what happens next? if you think the new noisy office person should be silenced by getting hit on the back of the head with a blunt instrument, press 1. if you think the new noisy office person should be electrocuted by the christmas fairy lights all over his desk, press 2. if you think the new noisy office person should be spared to share his next set of adventures, please hold.

bushra | permalink | |

brother #4: knock knock.
me: who's there?
brother #4: it's me. look. open the door. look.
me: i dunno, what is it?
brother #4: open the door! then you can see!
me: this had better be good....

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a new word (okay, more a term): faux-chortle.

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i have a cold. it's slowly getting worse. it didn't stop the authority from making fun of me this morning, though. so i said i'd nominate him for this.

The TUC today (Thursday) launches a campaign to find the modern Ebenezer Scrooge, Christmas’ meanest boss. Scrooge’s clerk, Bob Cratchit, had to work late nights up until Christmas Eve, in a freezing office, with no pretence of a work-life balance. Today things are vastly improved for the majority of the UK’s workers, but those unfortunate enough to work for the scrooges of the 21st century find over-long hours, poor family care arrangements, disrespect and low pay as relevant today as they were in Dickens’ day.

bushra | permalink | |

from ali: crystal palace in winter jigsaw.

ali's leaving the office next year. yesterday she told me that she was going to hand down her crown of 'html queen' to me when she leaves. oo-er.

bushra | permalink | |

in the inbox.

At around 2am december 13th, moblogUK's server suffered a severe hardware error in one of it's disks. Unfortunately, this was the disk where all the photos are stored. The database is kept on a different drive, along with the website files, so all of that data was safe. Our hosting company, Xilo, performed almost superhumanly well at replacing the damaged disk, and we were back online very quickly. Missing all the site's photos.

no i don't use moblogUK, but i tried it out ages ago. obviously getting an email like this would result in one user sending a picture message like-a this.

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i got a new phone yesterday. a nice dependable nokia. so, what do i do with my old phone? it took nice pictures but drove me crazy with its japanese accent error messages.

me: i thought i might get the sledgehammer, keep the phone open, smash the screen and then smash the keypad. then i can move on with my life.
brother #4: i'll have it.
brother #5: give it to sister #5 and then i can have her phone.
sister #5: i can sell it at school!
S: ebay! sell it on ebay!

or, i could give it to niece #1, because she likes taking pictures with it. and then i could set up a moblog for her.

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a noisy office person is trying her luck with that minipops spreadsheet (scroll down to the 16th october entry).

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J: There's a line in this Bill Bryson book I'm reading - Notes from a Small Island- which reminded me of you. "Bradford's role in life is to make every place else in the world look better by comparison, and it does this very well."

i've spent the last three months dreading christmas, because on her last visit sister #2 threatened to come and stay, yes, with her kids. i like her kids. they're really cool. seriously, she did threaten us with a visit. so at work i volunteered to come in and work on those days in between christmas and new year. kind of a break away from the house, innit. but. on the phone this afternoon:

me: so you know when you come over for christmas, right...
sister #2: eh?
brother #1: (he heard me from upstairs) shut up!
me: what?
sister #2: i'm not coming this year!
me: you're not coming? but i thought you were...
brother #1: she's not coming! shut up!
me: oh, ok...

so there you have it. she's not coming. but guess who's going to spend a few days up north for christmas? in bradford? eh? eh?

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eventually you get so used to the office noise you can't hear it anymore. but lucky for you i just heard one of the office people on the phone:

'did you get my email, the one about pain and various other things?'

bushra | permalink | |

happy new year. way in advance.

2004; A Song Odyssey: So 2004 has nearly ended. I hate end-of-year things that go on and on and on and on and on; who has the time, frankly?

J: As 2004 rolls to an end, I cannot help observing that it has been another year of pain, misery, death, heartbreak and injustice. But I have to say, the most depressing thing I have seen this year was Robbie Williams on TV, performing a live 'version' of the song Rollin' by Limp Bizkit. That is really going to take some topping. But as a complete stranger on Chamberlain Square said to me this morning, "All right, Paul?

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there's only two people in the office yet. office neighbour #2 and me.

her: see now with this christmas rota, i was going to suggest to everyone we put the department email address as a contact for urgent emails, but i might as well suggest we put yours because you're working over christmas!
me: i'm telling you, it's because sister #2 is coming to stay. and her kids, all four of them!

an email later:

If you are out over the holiday period will you refer any urgent calls or emails to the main service email address in your ‘out of office assistant’ message. One of the team will then contact the most appropriate person from the spreadsheet to provide an efficient and responsive service to the expected deluge of calls.

Alternatively just put Bushra’s name as she is in all the time!

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sister #5: nah, that bandbaja looks like one sick blog.

(the opposite would be 'na-a-asty.')

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i watched The Grudge last night. it really is crap. but i liked the calling card that ghost phantom thing had, you know, that weird sound. i'm going to scare my sisters and nieces with it.

neighbour: you're sure it's crap?
me: yep yep yep. there was one scene that left me a bit queasy, but i know why i hate horror movies now.
neighbour: you need to watch Saw. i'm going to make you watch Saw!

later.

me: the neighbour thinks i need to watch Saw.
brother #4: you don't need to watch Saw.
me: don't worry, i'm not. you know what the ghost thing or whatever it was would do to its victims in The Grudge?
brother #4: what?
me: it would rip their lower jaw off.
brother #4: you need to watch Saw.

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we know now that brother #4 swapped phones with sister #5. so he needed to have something annoying on it. he downloaded the dancing spiderman cartoon thingy, and some bollywood mp3 (don't ask me what, i don't know. i'll never know.). so he can set his phone to play a really cheesy bollywood song and you can watch spiderman dance to it.

me: why? why would you do that?
brother #4 starts singing along to the music.
me: what! no! since when did you get into bollywood?
brother #4: i haven't, it's just this one song innit.
me: do you know what he's singing about?
brother #4: er, no. wait, i know that 'dil' means your liver- er, heart!

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What's the story? Series creator Brian Jameson considers it a soap opera for children, and thus Balamory has its Queen Vic-style hub in the form of the local nursery, run by Miss Hoolie, the show's star. (Adult viewers like to speculate on the will-they-won't-they relationship between Hoolie and PC Plum; they are the Scully and Mulder of toddler telly.)

i knew it!

[link via brian]

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i'm beginning to think sister #5 is deliberately getting up to no good, just so i'll blog about her. today she was thrown out of her business studies class. she suggested businesses could take paracetamol as a health and safety measure.

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God cut from Dark Materials film: The director and screenwriter of the film adaptation of Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials is to remove references to God and the church in the movie. Chris Weitz, director of About a Boy, said the changes were being made after film studio New Line expressed concern.

i don't think i'm going to bother if this is what they're going to do with it. can you see it happening with the next tom hanks film?

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i think i need to try and think more along the lines that when you take a break from your work, you should try and take a break from your desk too. so i stop reading stuff like this:

"The only reason we iron them is to keep the print on the paper," Rick says. "You knew that though, didn't you? That's the only reason the papers are ironed."

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the office neighbour was a bit tearful this morning, after i told her how i have the day off tomorrow, i'm taking pictures at niece #1's school nativity:

her: but, but, you don't really do christmas though...?