the dad bought a monster of a car, a land rover discovery. brother #2 calls him the wild thornberry dad:
brother #4 and i were having one of our meaningless talks today, where i put forward the idea that the now empty natwest building on colmore row could be used to house the family and all the relatives in bradford (me: 'each family gets one floor!' him: 'oh yeah, it'll be like, i'm going to stay at cousin x's place, on the 12th floor! are you mad?!'). anyway he ends the conversation with this:
brother #4: you know how in films there's almost always someone getting killed, and just before they get killed they've left their family home saying 'i'm just going shopping?'
me: er...
brother #4: and then you get the scene where police are at the house and someone is usually crying their eyes out saying 'but he just went out a minute ago, he said he was going shopping?'
me: well ok...
brother #4: just to let you know, i'm going shopping.
me: what! why? why would you say that?
brother #4: that way if something happens you can stand there wailing 'but he said he was going shopping!'
me: you're mad! you nearly made me cry! get out of here!
brother #4: you know how in films there's almost always someone getting killed, and just before they get killed they've left their family home saying 'i'm just going shopping?'
me: er...
brother #4: and then you get the scene where police are at the house and someone is usually crying their eyes out saying 'but he just went out a minute ago, he said he was going shopping?'
me: well ok...
brother #4: just to let you know, i'm going shopping.
me: what! why? why would you say that?
brother #4: that way if something happens you can stand there wailing 'but he said he was going shopping!'
me: you're mad! you nearly made me cry! get out of here!
anyway. you know when i've been playing with the wiring (you should be used to this by now), then very cautiously put the plug in the socket, and at the exact same second as switching it on, a firework outside goes BANG? that.
some of you might already know this, some might not. it's 1985 (i'm seven years old). sister #2 and brother #2 have been messing around with the wiring on sister #2's tinny little clock radio. they plug it in, but they're both too scared to switch it on.
sister #2: you do it.
brother #2: you do it!
sister #2: i'm bigger than you, and i'm telling you to switch it on!
brother #2: no! i'm not doing it! you do it!
(enter sister #3. that's me.)
me: hi! what are you doing?
them: nothing.
sister #2: switch the radio on for us.
brother #2: yeah, see we're sitting all the way here now. can you switch it on for us?
me: ok!
yes, there was a bang. and screaming. and jumping. no electric shocks, no burns, but half my hand was covered in silver stuff from the bang. and yes, like i always did at that age, i told the dad about it.
some of you might already know this, some might not. it's 1985 (i'm seven years old). sister #2 and brother #2 have been messing around with the wiring on sister #2's tinny little clock radio. they plug it in, but they're both too scared to switch it on.
sister #2: you do it.
brother #2: you do it!
sister #2: i'm bigger than you, and i'm telling you to switch it on!
brother #2: no! i'm not doing it! you do it!
(enter sister #3. that's me.)
me: hi! what are you doing?
them: nothing.
sister #2: switch the radio on for us.
brother #2: yeah, see we're sitting all the way here now. can you switch it on for us?
me: ok!
yes, there was a bang. and screaming. and jumping. no electric shocks, no burns, but half my hand was covered in silver stuff from the bang. and yes, like i always did at that age, i told the dad about it.
brian posted a conversation he heard on the bus. this is just a snapshot, but you have to read it all, you have to!
He: "A coupla weeks ago I was hanging out with the king of Saudi Arabia’s grandson."
She: "What was he doing?"
He: "Just hanging out, you know."
She: "Yeah, I guess he would just hang out, kick back here for the summer.”
He: "A coupla weeks ago I was hanging out with the king of Saudi Arabia’s grandson."
She: "What was he doing?"
He: "Just hanging out, you know."
She: "Yeah, I guess he would just hang out, kick back here for the summer.”
so you know when you've had three members of your family call or text you over the course of a very crap day, telling you to make sure you buy some coke on the way home, because you know, you can't have dinner without coca-cola innit. so you rush to the supermarket where brother #5 is going to meet you and drive you home, and as you dash to the fizzy drinks aisle a six foot tall brother #5 jumps out of nowhere and goes 'YAH!' making you jump five feet back and because you're already pissed off you throw the shopping basket at his feet and walk out of the shop? that:
brother #5: wait! wait! where are you going?
me: out of here!
brother #5: wait! what's the matter! what's wrong?
me: what do you care?
brother #5: cos i'm your brother innit. where were you? nah, you know what i was going to do instead? i was going to get the supermarket to make an announcement: 'please can mushra come to the customer services desk?'
which made me laugh.
(the reason why i had to rush to the supermarket: running late after buying one these.)
brother #5: wait! wait! where are you going?
me: out of here!
brother #5: wait! what's the matter! what's wrong?
me: what do you care?
brother #5: cos i'm your brother innit. where were you? nah, you know what i was going to do instead? i was going to get the supermarket to make an announcement: 'please can mushra come to the customer services desk?'
which made me laugh.
(the reason why i had to rush to the supermarket: running late after buying one these.)
after you've been in two screaming matches (can i say that in the first one i didn't scream) with two different people in less than 24 hours, you should listen to 'clouds like these', over and over again.
my phone is ringing, the dad's number scrolls across the ickle screen on the front. uh oh.
me: hello?
brother #4: where are you?
me: at work.
brother #4: at work?
me: yep.
brother #4: you're at work?
me: yeah i'm at work.
brother #4: why are you at work?!
me: ...
brother #4: how come you're at work?
me: are you trying to make some joke here?
brother #4: yes. i'm sorry.
me: go away.
brother #4: ok.
not a good day. i'm going to go hide in one of the empty meeting rooms.
me: hello?
brother #4: where are you?
me: at work.
brother #4: at work?
me: yep.
brother #4: you're at work?
me: yeah i'm at work.
brother #4: why are you at work?!
me: ...
brother #4: how come you're at work?
me: are you trying to make some joke here?
brother #4: yes. i'm sorry.
me: go away.
brother #4: ok.
not a good day. i'm going to go hide in one of the empty meeting rooms.
so, how was dinner?
well, let's skip a whole bunch of details and you'll end up with sister-in-law #2 crying her eyes out. my fault apparently, but i won't be apologising. ugh, 'in-law politics' really piss me off! but hey, if you talk about the mother the way she did, well, i'll make you cry too. i'm not saying sorry, i'm not.
blogger lets me post but not publish. so i'm pissed off even more.
me: i'm living in a madhouse!
brother #1: no, we're not mad, you're the loony. posting your loony thoughts on the internet.
me: i like to think of it as an outlet.
i need to stop talking so much crap on here.
well, let's skip a whole bunch of details and you'll end up with sister-in-law #2 crying her eyes out. my fault apparently, but i won't be apologising. ugh, 'in-law politics' really piss me off! but hey, if you talk about the mother the way she did, well, i'll make you cry too. i'm not saying sorry, i'm not.
blogger lets me post but not publish. so i'm pissed off even more.
me: i'm living in a madhouse!
brother #1: no, we're not mad, you're the loony. posting your loony thoughts on the internet.
me: i like to think of it as an outlet.
i need to stop talking so much crap on here.
Blogger grounded by her airline: 'This blogging thing is obviously a new problem for employers and they need to get a policy about it. If I had known it would cost me my job, I would not have done that.'
when i started at this job blogging was mentioned on a few internal sites and publications, so i thought, fi-i-i-ine. but i'm still not going to blog about the work i do. because, well, it's not that interesting.
when i started at this job blogging was mentioned on a few internal sites and publications, so i thought, fi-i-i-ine. but i'm still not going to blog about the work i do. because, well, it's not that interesting.
it'll take the whole time i'm at work for the siblings to receive the news that bushra's cooking today (what, i don't know.) the mother's uncle died this morning so she's not going to be around for a while. the thing is, i wonder how many of them will show up for dinner?
brother #1 let me minidisc this yesterday. (wow. i've actually linked to amazon this time because there's good reviews. by good reviews i mean ones that don't go 'omg love it!!!!!a+++!' but it did get good reviews as well. mad. i'll stop. even if i do like this typing in brackets. office neighbour hates them.)
status.blogger.com: 'In the past few days, publishing to external hosts with Blogger has been unreliable. Users have seen numerous "connection refused errors". We are looking into these problems with the FTP out functionality.'
nice.
brother #1 let me minidisc this yesterday. (wow. i've actually linked to amazon this time because there's good reviews. by good reviews i mean ones that don't go 'omg love it!!!!!a+++!' but it did get good reviews as well. mad. i'll stop. even if i do like this typing in brackets. office neighbour hates them.)
status.blogger.com: 'In the past few days, publishing to external hosts with Blogger has been unreliable. Users have seen numerous "connection refused errors". We are looking into these problems with the FTP out functionality.'
nice.
no swearing allowed.
the authority: right, let's discuss this work of yours.
me: (follow him to his desk, muttering) if we must.
him: what was that?
me: oh nothing!
him: why aren't you chirpy today, why aren't you whistling while you work?
me: i'm trying to conserve energy i think.
him: and that makes you grumpy?
me: er i dunno, i'm fasting, innit.
him: oh it's ramadan isn't it? so you're starving then.
me: yes.
i think he's having a good week. which is why he won't mind that i'm leaving work at 3pm today. will he?
the authority: right, let's discuss this work of yours.
me: (follow him to his desk, muttering) if we must.
him: what was that?
me: oh nothing!
him: why aren't you chirpy today, why aren't you whistling while you work?
me: i'm trying to conserve energy i think.
him: and that makes you grumpy?
me: er i dunno, i'm fasting, innit.
him: oh it's ramadan isn't it? so you're starving then.
me: yes.
i think he's having a good week. which is why he won't mind that i'm leaving work at 3pm today. will he?
things aren't going well in the office. not in a major way but they're slowing people down. the authority was discussing the current state of play with another office person and ended with a joke:
him: ...and bushra's on a different bloody planet...
me: and i'm going to stay there!
it's because i didn't get his joke from this morning. the thing is, nobody got it.
him: ...and bushra's on a different bloody planet...
me: and i'm going to stay there!
it's because i didn't get his joke from this morning. the thing is, nobody got it.
i told N about my blog a couple of weeks ago, because she was thinking of setting one up too. i figured that having worked together for 14 months, it was about time i told her about fudge it. anyway. she's set up a blog about her current projects outside of this job, this is work she really wants to do, work she enjoys doing (of course we're happy in our job, really we are). go see. like, now.
at work at 8am, and the first email is a message from the authority:
Being as it has been indicated to me that I hold too many meetings I might as well live up to my reputation and we will hold a 3 hour meeting every day from now until Christmas to discuss the usefulness of meetings and their contribution toward good team communications and motivation.
Attendance is compulsory and they will start at 6.00am each morning so that they do not interfere with your other daily duties and tasks
look forward to the first meeting tomorrow
i think he's joking. at least i hope he is.
Being as it has been indicated to me that I hold too many meetings I might as well live up to my reputation and we will hold a 3 hour meeting every day from now until Christmas to discuss the usefulness of meetings and their contribution toward good team communications and motivation.
Attendance is compulsory and they will start at 6.00am each morning so that they do not interfere with your other daily duties and tasks
look forward to the first meeting tomorrow
i think he's joking. at least i hope he is.
babysitting...pest control...it's all the same, innit?
me: i'm going to have to charge you for pest control.
brother #1: don't say that about my daughter, niece #4 isn't a pest.
me: i'm not talking about niece #4, i'm talking about this:
did it make you jump? did it?
me: i'm going to have to charge you for pest control.
brother #1: don't say that about my daughter, niece #4 isn't a pest.
me: i'm not talking about niece #4, i'm talking about this:
did it make you jump? did it?
brother #2's jokes would have been blogged here ages ago. if they weren't so un-pc. there's one i would share but i'm too chicken, because you know, after you laugh you realise it's not funny. it's not. anyway, the mother was getting dinner ready with sister-in-law #1 while others sat in the kitchen and watched. i was making pasta for the nieces, oh and for me too. talk went from food to weight, and brother #2 made fun of me for the hell of it:
the mother: bushra isn't fat.
sister-in-law #1: no she isn't.
brother #2: that told me.
me: yeah, there's me and my army these days.
brother #2: what, the fat militia? the pie.R.A?
me: ...
even if i was fat, three weeks without food for twelve hours at a time, every single day, is bound to sort it out, innit.
the mother: bushra isn't fat.
sister-in-law #1: no she isn't.
brother #2: that told me.
me: yeah, there's me and my army these days.
brother #2: what, the fat militia? the pie.R.A?
me: ...
even if i was fat, three weeks without food for twelve hours at a time, every single day, is bound to sort it out, innit.
ordered this for the dad. now, who says i'm not good?
why why why
why would someone want to call me just when sarah is about to stab martin instead of sonia?
why would someone want to call me just when sarah is about to stab martin instead of sonia?
smarties. remember the lids? they used to have a letter of the alphabet on them. i always meant to collect smarties lids until i got the whole alphabet. but i never got round to it because i found that once you'd eaten all the smarties, if you put lid back on and you squeezed the tube with the right amount of pressure it would send the lid flying in the air like a missile. anyway. at least someone else did. and apparently it wasn't just the alphabet they put on the reverse either...
[via linkmachinego.]
[via linkmachinego.]
it's back. well, it was back ages ago, but still.
yep. it's a wheel treat: 'Standing 180ft tall in Centenary Square, this year's wheel is brand spanking "out of the box" new. The only other British city to have a wheel is Manchester - and they've got the one Brum had last year! Where 2003's wheel had gondolas which were open to the elements, this new version boasts completely enclosed airconditioned heated ones.'
S: look what they called the story. that's the worst bit.
so, who's going, eh? (no, i'm not. seriously, i'm not.)
yep. it's a wheel treat: 'Standing 180ft tall in Centenary Square, this year's wheel is brand spanking "out of the box" new. The only other British city to have a wheel is Manchester - and they've got the one Brum had last year! Where 2003's wheel had gondolas which were open to the elements, this new version boasts completely enclosed airconditioned heated ones.'
S: look what they called the story. that's the worst bit.
so, who's going, eh? (no, i'm not. seriously, i'm not.)
why you shouldn't try non-work emails in the morning, part 1
N: u r mental!! what can u see now??
me: er, three elephants? is this a test?
N: there must be something wrong with your eyesight!!! Its a tiger jumping through a hoop, a bear on a cycle and a ONE elephant!! Are you BLIND???!!!
i'm going home.
N: u r mental!! what can u see now??
me: er, three elephants? is this a test?
N: there must be something wrong with your eyesight!!! Its a tiger jumping through a hoop, a bear on a cycle and a ONE elephant!! Are you BLIND???!!!
i'm going home.
it's all work work work round 'ere.
me: now, i'm not liking those sounds the authority is making with his pen, cos he's QA'ing my work!
S: i noticed that, you threw it on his desk and then ran away!!!!!!
me: now, i'm not liking those sounds the authority is making with his pen, cos he's QA'ing my work!
S: i noticed that, you threw it on his desk and then ran away!!!!!!
stupid stupid stupid
lunchtime. i went to the coffee machine in the canteen. i hit the 'latte' button (latte eh? get her). that's the thing. i hit the button. you're meant to put a plastic cup in the machine first, then hit the button. uh oh. panic panic panic.
'mary! i pressed the button but i didn't put a cup first!'
mary aka the 'dinner lady' is busy. the machine is making noises and i don't know what to do and any second now the coffee is going to spill everywhere. wait. wait a minute. i could put a cup in the machine before it starts chucking latte out! brilliant idea! and it worked!
lunchtime. i went to the coffee machine in the canteen. i hit the 'latte' button (latte eh? get her). that's the thing. i hit the button. you're meant to put a plastic cup in the machine first, then hit the button. uh oh. panic panic panic.
'mary! i pressed the button but i didn't put a cup first!'
mary aka the 'dinner lady' is busy. the machine is making noises and i don't know what to do and any second now the coffee is going to spill everywhere. wait. wait a minute. i could put a cup in the machine before it starts chucking latte out! brilliant idea! and it worked!
twice in as many days, when explaining to two of my friends over the phone that i'm fasting, i was asked: 'but isn't there like this thing where women don't have to fast for a few days...?' yes, yes there is.
you know what's funny? office neighbour and another office person both feeling really very guilty if they eat anything when you're sitting within ten metres. M was sitting there unloading all this food from a bag onto her desk saying 'think of it this way, you'll save lots of money that you would have spent on food' and then she realises what she's doing which was no big deal, really, but off she went: 'oh...my....god! honest i'm so sorry! i'm sorry!'
honest, i'm being as nice as i can.
you know what's funny? office neighbour and another office person both feeling really very guilty if they eat anything when you're sitting within ten metres. M was sitting there unloading all this food from a bag onto her desk saying 'think of it this way, you'll save lots of money that you would have spent on food' and then she realises what she's doing which was no big deal, really, but off she went: 'oh...my....god! honest i'm so sorry! i'm sorry!'
honest, i'm being as nice as i can.
office talk. hi, how are you today?
another meeting. it's not really a meeting. what we do is go into a meeting room and discuss stuff we're working on. more like work on things we're working on. oh, forget it. that's not what i was going to blog about:
office neighbour: you've got your glasses on today.
me: i have.
office neighbour: bad day for contacts?
me: well, sorta. somehow i managed to flick some salad into my eye yesterday, which didn't do a world of good.
office neighbour: oh, i see.
another team member (N) arrives.
N: how come you're wearing glasses today?
another meeting. it's not really a meeting. what we do is go into a meeting room and discuss stuff we're working on. more like work on things we're working on. oh, forget it. that's not what i was going to blog about:
office neighbour: you've got your glasses on today.
me: i have.
office neighbour: bad day for contacts?
me: well, sorta. somehow i managed to flick some salad into my eye yesterday, which didn't do a world of good.
office neighbour: oh, i see.
another team member (N) arrives.
N: how come you're wearing glasses today?
this morning, i had a dream i'd been to bradford to visit nephew #3. at the age of 1 year, 4 months and 11 days, he was walking around, didn't seem to have more teeth than when i last saw him, but when i walked up to him he said: 'and what is the purpose of your visit?' which was, mad.
ramadan googlisms:
ramadan is the ninth month of the islamic lunar calendar
ramadan is an islamic holy month when muslims may not eat or drink from morning until night
ramadan is a special time for the whole family
ramadan is obligatory for every adult and able muslim
ramadan is about more than fasting; it is a way to strengthen religious faith and thank god for his blessings
ramadan is here
so many little exchanges between the brothers and sisters right now, everyone staying at home this weekend because they're fasting, but the trouble is everyone eating together. yesterday brother #2 told brother #5 off for making fun of me too many times and to at least stop when everyone is eating (brother #5 didn't say sorry, but he put me a glass of coke without asking). one of the things about this fasting is, it's meant to make you think more. so i spent today trying to figure out how i'm supposed to be around a dad who is getting increasingly bad tempered with his blood pressure and blood sugar level issues. and then there's the mother; i'd go into her problem, but i think everyone would tell me off for mentioning it, because you know, if i did talk about it it would read like i'm making fun of her, but i'm not. put it this way, i went out and got her some high strength evening primrose oil and i have to do that thing again where i make sure she takes one every day. either that or she'll make complete enemies of her daughters. oh, and you know that news? there's another niece/nephew due to land sometime early next year (think march/april). sister in law #2 couldn't bring herself to actually tell me until yesterday, about three days after i found out. she thought i'd tell her off. but i didn't.
ramadan is the ninth month of the islamic lunar calendar
ramadan is an islamic holy month when muslims may not eat or drink from morning until night
ramadan is a special time for the whole family
ramadan is obligatory for every adult and able muslim
ramadan is about more than fasting; it is a way to strengthen religious faith and thank god for his blessings
ramadan is here
so many little exchanges between the brothers and sisters right now, everyone staying at home this weekend because they're fasting, but the trouble is everyone eating together. yesterday brother #2 told brother #5 off for making fun of me too many times and to at least stop when everyone is eating (brother #5 didn't say sorry, but he put me a glass of coke without asking). one of the things about this fasting is, it's meant to make you think more. so i spent today trying to figure out how i'm supposed to be around a dad who is getting increasingly bad tempered with his blood pressure and blood sugar level issues. and then there's the mother; i'd go into her problem, but i think everyone would tell me off for mentioning it, because you know, if i did talk about it it would read like i'm making fun of her, but i'm not. put it this way, i went out and got her some high strength evening primrose oil and i have to do that thing again where i make sure she takes one every day. either that or she'll make complete enemies of her daughters. oh, and you know that news? there's another niece/nephew due to land sometime early next year (think march/april). sister in law #2 couldn't bring herself to actually tell me until yesterday, about three days after i found out. she thought i'd tell her off. but i didn't.
you'll find me in the kitchen eating a pack of reduced sugar digestives.
(reduced sugar? they were all i could find.)
(reduced sugar? they were all i could find.)
it took ages of googling to find a ramadan timetable. (here's another link about ramadan if you want. there's so much on the internet so this link is a good place to start.)
S: so when's your teatime then?
me: oh, around 6.15pm.
S: blimey, that must feel like it's tomorrow!
if i don't waste away, you can expect blog posts about how we're getting on. this morning the dad had a bit of a chocolate amnesty, we're not going to be able to eat it so he might as well keep it in case his sugar level drops innit.
S: so when's your teatime then?
me: oh, around 6.15pm.
S: blimey, that must feel like it's tomorrow!
if i don't waste away, you can expect blog posts about how we're getting on. this morning the dad had a bit of a chocolate amnesty, we're not going to be able to eat it so he might as well keep it in case his sugar level drops innit.
i blame the parents.
after nagging at me to get brother #1's phone so she could call a relative in bradford, the mother seemed to change her mind:
the mother: here, you wanted to talk as well didn't you? why don't you speak first?
sister in law #2: no no, i thought you were going to call so i thought i'd speak to them after you.
the mother: it's okay, you call them.
me: see this is her plan, you'll call them, then you'll say to my mother 'would you like to speak to them?' and first she'll say 'no no, it's all right' and then she'll say 'well all right i might as well say hello...'
sister in law #1: and you think your daughter isn't sharp enough?
the dad: that's typical. this guy at the farm was saying how when someone dies, the women all make their way to the dead person's home giggling at the front door, and then when they get inside they're wailing and bawling their eyes out. and then five minutes later it's 'ooh that's a nice scarf you're wearing, where did you get that from?'
but then the dad had it in for me. or it was the other way round i think.
the dad: this glass of water you put for me. where's it from?
me: it's bottled water.
the dad: ok.
me: see now, you can't tell me off for that so i bet it's going to be 'why did you put so much water-i only needed half a glass for my tablet-i'm not going to swim in it am i?'
the dad: ...
sister in law #1: she beat you to it this time.
after nagging at me to get brother #1's phone so she could call a relative in bradford, the mother seemed to change her mind:
the mother: here, you wanted to talk as well didn't you? why don't you speak first?
sister in law #2: no no, i thought you were going to call so i thought i'd speak to them after you.
the mother: it's okay, you call them.
me: see this is her plan, you'll call them, then you'll say to my mother 'would you like to speak to them?' and first she'll say 'no no, it's all right' and then she'll say 'well all right i might as well say hello...'
sister in law #1: and you think your daughter isn't sharp enough?
the dad: that's typical. this guy at the farm was saying how when someone dies, the women all make their way to the dead person's home giggling at the front door, and then when they get inside they're wailing and bawling their eyes out. and then five minutes later it's 'ooh that's a nice scarf you're wearing, where did you get that from?'
but then the dad had it in for me. or it was the other way round i think.
the dad: this glass of water you put for me. where's it from?
me: it's bottled water.
the dad: ok.
me: see now, you can't tell me off for that so i bet it's going to be 'why did you put so much water-i only needed half a glass for my tablet-i'm not going to swim in it am i?'
the dad: ...
sister in law #1: she beat you to it this time.
oh my. an interesting development at fudgeit towers which i won't blog about until it's confirmed. actually. if you've been reading this blog for ages it won't be such a big deal for you, you've seen it all before, innit. but wait and see. anyway.
The Adventures of Accordion Guy in the 21st Century: i was a bit disappointed that this wasn't a blog belonging to the accordion guy who plays in the city centre in the winter (remember him, J?).
The Adventures of Accordion Guy in the 21st Century: i was a bit disappointed that this wasn't a blog belonging to the accordion guy who plays in the city centre in the winter (remember him, J?).
yesterday was crap. fourteen years after moving house i was finally going to register with a new GP, but rain made the traffic build up, then the bus driver decided the bus was broken (which is why he drove off to a garage, er what?!) so he kicked everyone off in balsall heath. i called the dad to send one of the brothers to pick me up please. brother #5 came and met me by all those restaurants and fast food places on moseley road, and asked for a fiver to buy some food (he went here):
me: ok. either you stop driving like a maniac or i throw your food out of the window.
him: locked. watch how fast how i go round this corner!
me: fine, then I’ll open the door!
him: locked! oh-uh, police! are you scared, are you?!
me: that’s it! i’m going to eat it now!
i didn’t. too many chillies innit.
me: ok. either you stop driving like a maniac or i throw your food out of the window.
him: locked. watch how fast how i go round this corner!
me: fine, then I’ll open the door!
him: locked! oh-uh, police! are you scared, are you?!
me: that’s it! i’m going to eat it now!
i didn’t. too many chillies innit.
i was going to blog about how brother #1 and i were playing golf at home, on the landing upstairs, but i'm just. too. busy. argh!
then he got off and another guy gets on, and as he sat down he elbows me. which starts us off again.
on the bus. the man sitting next to the girl opposite me won't stop fidgeting. which made her laugh. and that made me laugh.
cargosaur: this blog has to be seen to be believed, i've no idea what is going on though.
i don't know why, but it made me laugh when i saw this.
ha!
the dad just called the tv the 'tele-vee-zen.' he was telling the mother to leave it on while he was working in the kitchen. uh-oh, he just lit a blowtorch. better pack this thing up.
the dad just called the tv the 'tele-vee-zen.' he was telling the mother to leave it on while he was working in the kitchen. uh-oh, he just lit a blowtorch. better pack this thing up.
i was play fighting with brother #5 on friday. he was aiming mock punches at my head, but because he's so much taller than me all i could do was make feeble attempts at trying to pinch his stomach. he picked up the not-so-super duper hifi from the repair shop for me. he follows me as i carry it to my room:
him: ah, that's bad! look at that hifi! listening to music is bad!
me: ha. ha.
him: nah, look at all those CD's. and books! your room is evil!
me: shut up!
him: oh my god, everything you own is evil!
me: why haven't you disappeared yet?
him: hmm, better watch out, next time you're at work, and you come home, i might have burned your room down. all that evil, it won't let me sleep at night!
me: get out get out get out!
i should point out that brother #5 thinks he's really really funny. anyway. he's mad at me for not making him breakfast today.
him: i'll remember that. breakfast is the most important meal of the day!!!
me: what, at four in the afternoon?!
him: ah, that's bad! look at that hifi! listening to music is bad!
me: ha. ha.
him: nah, look at all those CD's. and books! your room is evil!
me: shut up!
him: oh my god, everything you own is evil!
me: why haven't you disappeared yet?
him: hmm, better watch out, next time you're at work, and you come home, i might have burned your room down. all that evil, it won't let me sleep at night!
me: get out get out get out!
i should point out that brother #5 thinks he's really really funny. anyway. he's mad at me for not making him breakfast today.
him: i'll remember that. breakfast is the most important meal of the day!!!
me: what, at four in the afternoon?!
bleh. what a day. do you know, i think the best time to get any proper cleaning done in this house is late at night. i just finished two minutes ago, but staying awake for a bit to move some washing loads between the washing machine and the drier. must remember to tell sister #5 i've chucked her 'stylish' pointed shoes with flat heels out after i found them in the bathroom, i didn't spend hours cleaning it for her crappy shoes to stink the place out. anyway. the (not so) super duper hi fi is finally back! which meant i was able to minidisc this, and listen to it as i cleaned the house tonight. 11.25pm. and all is well.
also: three times i woke up last night because my feet wouldn't stop moving. THREE TIMES. usually it's my right foot, but last night it was both. so my legs were hurting this morning:
the mother: what are you, a child? only kids do that!
sister-in-law #1: yeah, niece #1 does it all the time...
the dad: restless leg syndrome! change your eating habits! it's all in your eating habits!
(serves me right for buying him that You Are What You Eat book.)
also: three times i woke up last night because my feet wouldn't stop moving. THREE TIMES. usually it's my right foot, but last night it was both. so my legs were hurting this morning:
the mother: what are you, a child? only kids do that!
sister-in-law #1: yeah, niece #1 does it all the time...
the dad: restless leg syndrome! change your eating habits! it's all in your eating habits!
(serves me right for buying him that You Are What You Eat book.)
feeling very mad at the dad. and what makes the dad mad is me sitting in front of the computer until 1am. that is all.
f*cking ping-pong
serious fight with sister #5 yesterday. i can't even remember why we were arguing, oh yeah i know it's because she's a teenage monster, and teenagers like her like to start fights at every opportunity because it's the only time they ever get to say the longest word they know ('what-ever!' and look, even then they have to split it up because it's still a tough word). anyway:
me: f*ck off.
sister #5: f*ck off.
me: f*ck off.
sister #5: f*ck off.
me: dog.
sister #5: bitch.
sister-in law #1: stop talking to your big sister like that.
sister #5: she started it! cow.
me: bitch, f*ck off!
sister #5: drop dead.
me: go to hell.
sister #5: f*ck off.
me: no way are you going to have the last word on this, ok?
even the dad stopped watching tv to intervene (yeah, that bad). she tried to do the whole cold shoulder act this morning but then she wanted a muffin for breakfast and she had to politely ask me if she could have one, because i'd bought them for the nieces innit. ha!
serious fight with sister #5 yesterday. i can't even remember why we were arguing, oh yeah i know it's because she's a teenage monster, and teenagers like her like to start fights at every opportunity because it's the only time they ever get to say the longest word they know ('what-ever!' and look, even then they have to split it up because it's still a tough word). anyway:
me: f*ck off.
sister #5: f*ck off.
me: f*ck off.
sister #5: f*ck off.
me: dog.
sister #5: bitch.
sister-in law #1: stop talking to your big sister like that.
sister #5: she started it! cow.
me: bitch, f*ck off!
sister #5: drop dead.
me: go to hell.
sister #5: f*ck off.
me: no way are you going to have the last word on this, ok?
even the dad stopped watching tv to intervene (yeah, that bad). she tried to do the whole cold shoulder act this morning but then she wanted a muffin for breakfast and she had to politely ask me if she could have one, because i'd bought them for the nieces innit. ha!
shopping!
(mainly for jelly beans.) i bought some CDs. track #2 of this is so crap it's funny. honest. and i forgot the jelly beans.
J: Bushra, I can't read anymore of this book. I'm taking the unprecedented step of leaving a book on the train.
yesterday i finished reading one of the most depressing books in the world.
yesterday i finished reading one of the most depressing books in the world.
my inbox. and the story of the hotel reservations. serena hotels in pakistan would like to confirm i have the following nights booked:
Faisalabad Serena Hotel (2 nights)
Islamabad Serena Hotel (2 nights)
Quetta Serena Hotel (2 nights)
sounds good, innit? the best bit: one of my registered interests is horse riding. hang on a second:
Dear Bushra,
Reference to your e-mail on the above please advise us your arrival date at Quetta Serena Hotel with flight detail.
Regards,
Manager Sales & Marketing
Quetta Serena Hotel
flight detail? flight detail? now that's being nosy if yer ask me. oh no, wait a minute:
Dear Bushra,
Reference your e-mail, we regret to inform you that the hotel is fully booked from October 07 to 10th, 04. However if you have any alternative date available please do let us know.
Thanks & regards,
Reservation Department
Islamabad Serena Hotel
hmph. won't be staying with them again. (the real bushra who booked these rooms lives in lahore. i know this because her phone number is in the email.)
Faisalabad Serena Hotel (2 nights)
Islamabad Serena Hotel (2 nights)
Quetta Serena Hotel (2 nights)
sounds good, innit? the best bit: one of my registered interests is horse riding. hang on a second:
Dear Bushra,
Reference to your e-mail on the above please advise us your arrival date at Quetta Serena Hotel with flight detail.
Regards,
Manager Sales & Marketing
Quetta Serena Hotel
flight detail? flight detail? now that's being nosy if yer ask me. oh no, wait a minute:
Dear Bushra,
Reference your e-mail, we regret to inform you that the hotel is fully booked from October 07 to 10th, 04. However if you have any alternative date available please do let us know.
Thanks & regards,
Reservation Department
Islamabad Serena Hotel
hmph. won't be staying with them again. (the real bushra who booked these rooms lives in lahore. i know this because her phone number is in the email.)
three things.
the dad cooked today. brother #2 and i stood with the dad at the cooker to check out his handiwork. brother #2: 'everyone is going to eat today.' me: 'yep, you're right.' a few minutes later they're at the table.
the dad: sit down bushra, time to eat.
sister #4: she can't! she's not a boy...
me: what did you say?
sister #4: nuthin...
i grab a chair and sit next to the dad, fold my arms like his and feign interest in the conversation he's having with brother #2. they're talking chicken farms. a little while later i'm washing up and brother #5 arrives with sister #5, he's picked her up from work. brother #5 likes to pick mock fights with me:
me: you think you're tough, do you? do you? look at this - (i show him a picture of nephew #2 on my phone, he's pointing a water pistol at the camera and snarling) - that's tough, okay?
brother #5: send me that picture...
me: it says 'don't mess!'
brother #5: send me that picture...
me: it says 'freeze!'
brother #5: send me that picture...
me: it says 'what you lookin at?!'
brother #5: send me that picture...
me: ok.
then sister #5 starts on about her busy shift at work this evening. she was on her own for most of the time:
sister #5: i had a fight today.
me: yeah right.
sister #5: well all right an argument then.
me: yeah yeah.
sister #5: this pakistani guy walks in saying 'i wanna get my ear pierced! i wanna get my ear pierced!' but it was so busy so i said 'let me finish with this customer first' and he's all shouting saying 'f*ck you! look at you, you're only sales, i'm complaining to the manager!' so i said 'do you see any managers here right now?' and he was like no and i said 'so get the f*ck out of my shop.'
me: nice.
the dad cooked today. brother #2 and i stood with the dad at the cooker to check out his handiwork. brother #2: 'everyone is going to eat today.' me: 'yep, you're right.' a few minutes later they're at the table.
the dad: sit down bushra, time to eat.
sister #4: she can't! she's not a boy...
me: what did you say?
sister #4: nuthin...
i grab a chair and sit next to the dad, fold my arms like his and feign interest in the conversation he's having with brother #2. they're talking chicken farms. a little while later i'm washing up and brother #5 arrives with sister #5, he's picked her up from work. brother #5 likes to pick mock fights with me:
me: you think you're tough, do you? do you? look at this - (i show him a picture of nephew #2 on my phone, he's pointing a water pistol at the camera and snarling) - that's tough, okay?
brother #5: send me that picture...
me: it says 'don't mess!'
brother #5: send me that picture...
me: it says 'freeze!'
brother #5: send me that picture...
me: it says 'what you lookin at?!'
brother #5: send me that picture...
me: ok.
then sister #5 starts on about her busy shift at work this evening. she was on her own for most of the time:
sister #5: i had a fight today.
me: yeah right.
sister #5: well all right an argument then.
me: yeah yeah.
sister #5: this pakistani guy walks in saying 'i wanna get my ear pierced! i wanna get my ear pierced!' but it was so busy so i said 'let me finish with this customer first' and he's all shouting saying 'f*ck you! look at you, you're only sales, i'm complaining to the manager!' so i said 'do you see any managers here right now?' and he was like no and i said 'so get the f*ck out of my shop.'
me: nice.
oops!
found. one very old and worn notebook, belonging to 'pat.' it begins:
what you read in here
what you see in here
make sure it stays in here
else get out of here
the rest of it was empty anyway.
found. one very old and worn notebook, belonging to 'pat.' it begins:
what you read in here
what you see in here
make sure it stays in here
else get out of here
the rest of it was empty anyway.
so the gran has come to stay for a bit. she's a bit fed up because unlike bradford there's only one other house she can visit on this street, and that's the nosy neighbour. the mother just gave her some dinner and she's gone up to bed. i'm still in the kitchen so i suppose it's me making her mug of hot milk later. anyway:
the mother: she looks a lot healthier now. she's even put on some weight.
sister #5: yeah i know, your clothes aren't so big on her anymore.
the mother: she looks a lot healthier now. she's even put on some weight.
sister #5: yeah i know, your clothes aren't so big on her anymore.
i know i haven't been posting as much lately but it doesn't mean things are quiet. it was this stupid cold, i tell you. and then yesterday i had to wait at the bus stop outside the house for twenty minutes until the brothers from the mosque had finished chatting with brother #4 on the doorstep, sometimes women shouldn't be seen let alone heard innit. don't ask. i'm just glad it fixed my cold, i'm not feeling so crap now.
me: so. shanti night, eh?
brother #4: ha?
me: at the custard factory, eh? eh?
brother #4: oh...
me: my friend was like i saw your brother the other night, and i said are you sure he's usually tucked up in bed at 1am and she said he had a bottle in each hand and a girl under each arm and i said yep, that's him.
brother #4: oh, very funny. she stood there with her mates for ages saying 'is that bushra's brother? is that bushra's brother?!'
me: i told her, the next time you see him, first you kick his ass, then you grab him by the ear, chuck him in a taxi and send him home.
me: so. shanti night, eh?
brother #4: ha?
me: at the custard factory, eh? eh?
brother #4: oh...
me: my friend was like i saw your brother the other night, and i said are you sure he's usually tucked up in bed at 1am and she said he had a bottle in each hand and a girl under each arm and i said yep, that's him.
brother #4: oh, very funny. she stood there with her mates for ages saying 'is that bushra's brother? is that bushra's brother?!'
me: i told her, the next time you see him, first you kick his ass, then you grab him by the ear, chuck him in a taxi and send him home.