fudge it

As a result of all sorts of ghastly problems with The Hosting Providers From Hell, I have had to relaunch Troubled Diva at a new address:

http://www.troubled-diva.com

imagine. what if fudgeit.org became fudge-it.org? would it mess with your head? would it?

no. of times people have told me to cheer up, in the middle of a meeting, in a loud enough whisper so everyone can hear: 1.

is it because i wore glasses to work today or something? i think i'm going to start crying in a minute.

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no. of times people have asked me if i am all right today: at least ten.

what's that all about?

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a noisy office person is showing off his ringtone to others at the vending machine. that's right, we have progress, people are moving on from the nokia ringtone (it's not funny to shout 'hello!' as soon as you hear it anymore, because i said so). they're moving on to a high pitched, high tempo version of the, yes, you've guessed it, theme tune to the great escape.

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office person from another floor arrives, bounces a ball for a couple of minutes and throws a noisy office person off his chair. then leaves. the end.

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noisy office person almost slowly burps this out:

'...you were always on my mi-i-i-i-i-nd...'

ruler woman joins in.

him: see that, she always finishes for me!
her: that's because elvis was indian!
other random office person: this is going to be a long afternoon...

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brother #4 likes to talk about stuff he learns at training courses at work, boring. he does turn each story into a joke though, but all his talk before the punchline is really very dire:

him: so bushra. you have the words anybody, somebody...
me: ...
him: you've got nobody, and then you've got e'ry body! e'ry body in the club gettin tipsy!
me: they didn't teach you that at work, did they?

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957pm. the dad wants to cut one more tile using the electric tile cutter (me: 'please, it's too loud, don't cut any more tiles today. you're going to cut it, aren't you?'). i was just watching holiday airport sydney (gave up after ten minutes so i didn't see the bit with john travolta in it). one of the staff members angelina was having a tough time with a mean customer:

angelina: i just thought that i would mention it, that we waived the 66 dollar fee (even though they didn't have to)
customer: well i think it isn't worth mentioning (storms off)
angelina: ...
me: go on! say it! cow!
angelina: i'm lost for words, i really am!
me: wait! i can think of a few!
angelina: i think i'm going to sit down for a few minutes...
me: and get angry...

brother #4 has been watching me the whole time.

him: see, these people, they're not like us!

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i'm still not here.

host: The payment has been made yet. Thank you!

so does this mean my blog won't disappear, or will it?

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i'm not here. i'm not.

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six, five, four, three, two...

and after one, the entire office will turn around after hearing my head hit the desk. zzzzzz. ooh look, it's hometime.

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fudge it has a favicon. i used chami.com as recommended by mandarin design daily. the end.

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me: i'm hoping that all those stupid drivers with england flags all over their cars will use them to clean their windows instead now...
brian: Please put that in a comment!
K: I have not, never have been, never will be an England fan. I'm ecstatic that they lost. I have no voice left cos of all the shouting I done last night. This office is dead and I wonder why! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

anyone else?

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yesterday i saw sister #5 in the shop window at her work, wearing an england cap and an alice band with little devil horns on it. so i sneaked up to her, caught her by surprise by snapping a picture of her and then i ran.

text message received 18:55 - U show that pic to anyone i'l KILL U literally

aaah, ain't she sweet? i told the others about how i took the picture, but i haven't shown it to anyone except sister #4 and niece #1. and sister #5 as well (not before i'd emailed a backup to myself). she just phoned me at work complaining that i'd shown it to everyone. the office people are watching me:

'i swear i haven't shown the picture to anyone! only sister #4 and niece #1! no brother #2 hasn't seen it! the football? england lost. to portugal. how do i know what the score was? all i know is that they did lose...'

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email noise at the office is all about sweets.

'I am feeling old now because we used to go for the ½ p sweets so we would get more! Do you remember….cola bottles, flying saucers, cherry lips, chocolate mice, jelly babies, bonbons, candy necklaces on elastic, drumsticks, strawberry laces, black jacks, fruit salads, parma violets, gob stoppers, kola cubes, pineapple chunks, refreshers, rhubarb & custard, fried eggs, milk teeth – the joy of old sweet shops!'

better still:

'Wham Bars....were they anything to do with George Michael?'

(that picture of the jelly beans: brother #4 got jars for me and the nieces. mine is the one on the left. the middle one belongs to niece #1 and the right one is niece #3's. all i can say is, i had a coffee jellybean and it tasted awful. gimme a hundred sizzling cinnamon anyday, innit.)

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brothers #4 and #5 bought all this chip shop food last night. brother #5 gave up after 5 minutes, and brother #4 set all the food up in front him, like a giant tray loaded with chips and other chip shop stuff like masala fish and chicken.

me: are you going to eat all that?
brother #4: why, are you going to give me a t-shirt if i do?

sister #5 and i were watching bollywood star yesterday (i always catch onto reality shows when it's the 'last in the series', here's the winner.) i'm glad that sofia person didn't win. she reminds me of the mean girls i used to know at mosque. this whole bunch of them sneaked off to the toilets to give each other makeovers once, i tagged along and managed to put an end to things by messing up the only lipstick they had. i replaced the lid without winding it down. oops!

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too many bottles at my desk. i think, i can't be sure, i think i just took one anadin with some cherry coke. and then another with some water. lucky i didn't pick up my empty mug. that would have looked really cool, huh?

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brian: what's the verdict on Tuesday so far?
me: the jury is still out on that one. although i just spent an hour making fun of tim henman, so it's not like it wasn't unproductive or anything...

just so you know: in case my blog disappears over the next few days, it's probably been frozen by my host. yep it's time to renew my domain and hosting contract. thing is they won't let me pay over the phone but through their website, and every time i try and pay via their website it never works (remember last year? no, of course you wouldn't). so i'm going to be sitting on hold trying to figure this out with them.

so if the blog goes, you can be sure it will be back. or i might post it to http://fudgeit.blogspot.com , i dunno, too much thinking!

[don't get too close, this thing is catchy.]

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8.45am. i've been here for exactly half an hour, when...

the authority: i take it you've read this document?
me: i, i know it well.
the authority: right i'll open it to section 7 subsection 1, how about you summarise it?
me: ...
the authority: nah, i'm only joking!

lucky i already knew that.

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oops!

today i was this close to hitting the Delete This Blog button.

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an office person is discussing the vending machine with one of the people who comes to refill it every now and then:

'it keeps going ke-chun-ke-chun-ke-chun-ke-chun-ke-chun, mines a white coffee no sugar.'

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niece #1 plays the role of the big sister pretty well. when she and niece #3 play in the garden, and niece #3 starts wandering off to do her own thing, all she has to do is yell 'look! spider!' and she comes running right back. now that's mean.

brothers #3, #4 and #5 used to terrorise sister #5 when she was 5 or 6 years old by waving a piece of black thread in her face and shrieking 'spider!' at her. she'd hide her face in the corner of the room to get away from them.

no. this just doesn't make up for not telling about what the sisters did, does it? i couldn't blog about it even if i wanted to, it was just that bad. oh. maybe i should point out that no-one was actually hurt, because well, it wasn't that kind of incident. that would help, right?

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today, i did something i have never ever, at 26 years of age, done before: i bought brother #3 a birthday present. brother #3 is probably the only sibling never to have received a birthday present from sister #3 (that's me), although there is no reason or underlying issue behind all this. it is more than likely this event will not be seen ever again. (all that transit of venus noise was a lot better than this piece of news, huh?)

sisters #4 and #5 did something really really awful this evening. i still can't believe they did what they did. immediately they both said: 'you'd better not blog that! you better not! or, or, we'll sign your guestbook!' all right, i'm not going to blog it, but oh, you know what you did.

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brian: Man....I gotta visit Birmingham!
me: That could be the most questionable thing you've said all week.
brian: All week? How 'bout ever?

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there's something wrong with my computer. either that or the day in pictures is showing a picture of square watermelons.

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from now on, if i'm going to be moblogging, it's going to be here.

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office neighbour: i wonder...have i had my coffee yet?
me: no, no you haven't...wait! how could i possibly know that?!
office neighbour: the thing is, i think you're right!

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ok now this is funny (not ha ha funny, but still). i'm sure i only had one gmail invite left, and now gmail says i have 4. eh?

i got one of these postcards today.

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last night sister #5 made me dinner. yes, i'm still alive. i'm fine.

her: you are looking at one loaded bitch.
me: what?! on your claires wages?!
her: well all right. for a whole week maybe.

the other day she complained about how her job involved the hardest work, and it wasn't fair that the older siblings got paid more than she did.

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Schoolgirl loses Muslim gown case: A 15-year-old girl has lost her High Court battle to wear a style of Islamic dress to school. Shabina Begum has been out of her Luton school since September 2002 in a row over her wish to wear an ankle-length jilbab gown.

i don't think her jilbab was practical for school, and there was nothing wrong with the option offered by the school to wear shalwar kameez. one of the school's arguments was that the chosen style of dress could divide muslim pupils, and i agree with that. i could say i am bit one-sided about the whole thing, mainly because i remember this story about a girl i used to know at school.

she left the school, and studied on at another college instead of sixth form. about a year into college she visited the sixth form, and was wearing a jilbab. she'd come in to give a talk to muslim girls at the school and sixth form.

'all those who wear a headscarf, stand up,' she began. she told all the girls who stood to sit down, and began again: 'all the girls who aren't wearing a headscarf, stand up.' then she pointed at each girl and said 'you're going to hell, you're going to hell, you're going to hell.'

nice.

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everything is going to be just fiiiiiine...

all your can hear at 9:47am (no i haven't been watching big brother) is the sound of pc keyboards going click click click:

not-the-authority: (to all) '...we are going to have a quick meeting at the start of the first meeting today...'
S: (to me) when do we ever have quick meetings, its going to be a long day today!!!
me: (to S) thank god i took a giant pill this morning.

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8.35am. the authority is about to send one of those emails that are at the most ten lines long and contain no full stops or commas. but he needs some help:

'how do you do those smiley faces?'

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this can come off my wishlist now.

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thursday evening. nearly 8pm. the mother has returned fresh from her walk with the noisy neighbour. in the living room, with me, the parents, and pick-a-sibling, any sibling:

(non-english conversation)
the dad: so did you go and vote?
the mother: yes. (she’s looking very proud of herself.)
the dad: so who did you vote for?
the mother: i dunno.
the dad: what box did you cross?
the mother: the fourth one down.
the dad: ok.
me: what box was that?
the dad: i dunno.

this isn’t good, is it?

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'The seven-year-old bloggers...'

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monday morning...

me: uh oh...
S: I know!

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sister #5's room smells of really bad perfume. and she still hasn't cleaned it.

at least a hundred scooters drove past our house this morning:

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the parents are out of town this weekend. this means that normal stuff (whatever that is) isn't going to happen. there's dishes to be washed in the kitchen. clothes have been left out on the washing line overnight. this afternoon, sister #5, brother #5 and i speculated about the actual age of the dad, their guess was 10 years lower than mine, we're just not sure. and then sister #5 says 'look! look at me!' as she manages to balance niece #4's play gym on her toes, about 1 foot in the air. brother #5 just laughs, balances the gym on his finger. then he starts showing off and swinging it around over his head. narrowly misses the lighting and sends the gym crashing to the floor. then he runs off leaving me and sister #5 to put it back together. then i act all grown up and say to sister #5: 'i'm 26 years old. and i'm shocked that i'm going to say this, because it's not like i've got kids of my own or anything, but go clean your room!' course she didn't.

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niece #4 is awake and her parents are out shopping. so we're sitting at the pc listening to this.

a few minutes before that sister #5 bit my arm: 'write about it on your blog, you haven't written anything about me for ages!'

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nephew #2 goes home saturday morning. i'm at the pc, i don't know why, i can barely keep my eyes open, but sister #1 needs a hand packing. anyway, nephew #2 comes to the desk, looks at the side of the screen all serious. then he says 'don't worry, i'm gonna fix the tv, okay?'

he's found a nail among the tools in the bathroom and about to stick it in one of the little holes on the side of the screen.

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26 minutes. to. hometime. shopping actually.

sister #5 and i are both left-handed. and when we type we cross our fingers on our left hand, and use the middle finger in place of the index finger. sister #5's maths teacher does the same too. that's pretty weird isn't it? i've tried to uncross my fingers but then it feels like i'm using my right hand to write or something.

thing is after a while, your fingers start to hurt.

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'bhai saab, bhai saab...'

i just saw this on adnan's blog: 'When corporations strike back: This has been going around the net for quite a while...It's a recording of an angry customer calling up customer support and badgering them with profanity because of some faulty service. Guess what the company does? Releases the tape online along with the guy's personal information.'

like adnan says most of it is in urdu, but you should still listen to it anyway, it is so funny!

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a noisy office person usually gets a call from his temp around this time, letting him know he'll be late. noisy office person begins:

'let me guess, the train's delayed because there's sunshine on the line...'

it's friday. go home, tell them i said you could.

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i spent two hours yesterday doing all that walking around the house tidying up and putting things right, while listening to this. sister #5 has disappeared off to brother #2's house to try and get two years study done in a week for her exams. i'd be laughing if i wasn't stuck with all her chores and stuff, innit. by 9pm the nieces were asleep, sister #1 was still steaming wallpaper off the bathroom walls and i only had the kitchen left to do. sister #1 yells downstairs asking me to bring up the dustpan and brush. i see nephew #2:

me: go take that up to sister #1 please?
nephew #2: wha?
me: sister #1 wants the dustpan and brush, take it upstairs.
nephew #2: (points) tha?
me: yes, take it up to sister #1.
nephew #2: (points again) take tha' up?
me: yeah. take it up.
nephew #2: tha'?
me: yes!
nephew #2: no.

and he walks out the kitchen and sits in the living room, staring into space until he falls asleep.

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office noise

1. that stupid nokia ringtone that tells you the owner has a work mobile but is too dim to bother changing the ringtone or even turning it down to level 2.
2. the noisy vending machine is back.
3. office people talk football.
4. office people talk about not owning a television.
5. office neighbour talks politics: 'are you voting today?'
6. noisy office person whistles 'the lion sleeps tonight.'

i called the mother at home about an hour ago, before i spoke to her niece #3 grabbed the phone. 'come home,' she said.

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walking home through the city centre yesterday afternoon, when my phone starts ringing. number withheld.

me: hello?
brother #4: happy birthday!
me: what? a whole week later?!
brother #4: ha? isn't it your birthday?
me: well it was a week ago!
brother #4: so who's birthday is it today then?
me: sister #4, you fool!
brother #4: ah, sorry about that. i'm gonna call her now. it's a bit late but happy birthday eh?
me: oh, go away.

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holy moly! anyone else noticed the three invites gmail has given out? maybe it's because it's the month of the birthdays. i know she won't see this until she gets back from bradford but Happy Birthday to sister #4. and brian too, innit.

(that's two invites now. who wants one, eh? eh?)

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Eco glass cleans itself with Sun: The Pilkington Activ glass has a special nano-scale - extremely thin - coating of microcrystalline titanium oxide which reacts to daylight. This reaction breaks down filth on the glass, with no need for detergent. When water hits it, a hydrophilic effect is created, so water and dirt slides off.

every one of the relatives living in bradford is going to want this.

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nephew #2 has come to stay. he's been here since last week actually. 5 things about nephew #2, who will be three next month:

1: he's good at kicking a ball very far in the garden.
2: he's good at throwing the same ball in the air and kicking it, indoors.
3: he likes watching the royle family when he can't get to sleep.
4: he likes buses. so much so that if you're walking with him to the supermarket, be sure to grip his hand tightly. or he'll make a run for it, whenever he sees a moving bus.
5: he likes to mimic our brummie accents. his bradford accent is still a work in progress.

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it's hot outside. today's maximum temperature is 26 degrees. but thanks to the wonders of technology (read air conditioning) i'm sitting at my desk with my fleece jacket on. ha!

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hi-MD, innit.

look at this.

brother #1: what's the point? it's not like there's anything wrong with the MD stuff you've got already.

i know, but still.

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just give me a minute...

'feedback: 'i think a few people are going into withdrawal for lack of posts by fudgeit. please say everything is ok.'

i had the week off work, and when i came back today, it was like all this noise that has been ringing in my ears has stopped. the last nine days have been so noisy at home, i've come back to work and i'm a bit dizzy right now because it's so quiet here. i know i can't be deaf because i can still hear the noisy office people. bet you've missed them, huh?

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brother #4 is in manchester on a training course. his first text message was 'i'm in first class on the train, and i'm the only one here.' well ok. the next day i got 'i met bobby womack. famous, apparently.' and today i got this picture message:



it came with the message 'funny funny funny.' i didn't get it. is it a funny picture? sister #4 offered a translation: the children under 4'11" bit. apparently i could get a buffet deal for half price cos i'm under 4'11" innit (for an engineering student, sister #4 is really crap with measurements. i'm 5'4"ish innit). or it maybe it meant that as it's my birthday, surely i qualify for the OAP discount now. when he gets home, i'm going to rob all the sewing kits and soaps and jars of macadamia nuts he'll have managed to swipe from the hotel. then i'm going to hit him.

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