the mother isn't in my good books. yesterday, niece #1 decided she wouldn't ask me to move off the sofa, but climb on and kick me off instead (isn't it funny when kids think they can beat you up when really they can't?). but i wouldn't budge, so the niece #1 starts wailing and before you know it the mother and two of the siblings were pleading with me to just move and let niece #1 lie on the sofa. i did eventually, but not before the mother called me 'crazy sarah.' ouch. crazy sarah is a pakistani woman from up the road, she has this squeaky voice and has lost a few marbles. she's also the dinner lady at sister #5's school (not talking to her either.)
news.com.au: Turkish men scared off by housework: 'A Muslim preacher in eastern Turkey has lost almost all his flock after scolding local men in his sermons for not helping their wives do household chores, the popular daily Sabah reported Friday...Villagers also suggested the preacher was psychologically disturbed.'
this reminds me of the time brother #5 and i spent an hour arguing over whether or not he could iron his own clothes. i said he could. he won.
[link via pakistani perspective.]
this reminds me of the time brother #5 and i spent an hour arguing over whether or not he could iron his own clothes. i said he could. he won.
[link via pakistani perspective.]
number of times i opened my eyes to stop myself from falling asleep at the last meeting: lost count.
i drank a litre of water today. i picked up a 500ml bottle at the papershop and the woman at the counter said they were buy one get one free. so i picked up another one. can you see what is happening? nothing to blog, move it along.
(but then that usually means i'll post more. i think.)
(but then that usually means i'll post more. i think.)
friday evening, now playing: another wedding video. niece #4 was crying, so i took her downstairs to her mother. about to leave the room when they all speak at once: 'ah, here it is.' and they all get ready to watch the funny part. like all good pakistani wedding videos this has no sound but music playing over everything. an old lady stands and talks at the camera for five minutes. then she claps her hands for another five minutes.
me: is there something wrong with her?
brother #2: yeah, she's pakistani.
me: is there something wrong with her?
brother #2: yeah, she's pakistani.
brother #4 likes to buy clothes. yesterday he was was wearing this bright red top. before that it was a t-shirt from here. it has the word ERROR! scribbled on it.
him: ta-daaa! whaddaya think?
me: what?
him: hel-lo! my t-shirt?
me: oh. what's with the giant lipstick marks?
him: ha?
me: and look...what does that say? it says 'f*ck...the...rules'
him: but i didn't see these! all i could see was the word error!
me: very smart. wait til the dad sees this.
he wore it inside out out for the rest of the day after that.
i'm bored, man. but hey, i have a word. EPIDEMIOLOGY. not as good as the last few words, is it? exactly.
him: ta-daaa! whaddaya think?
me: what?
him: hel-lo! my t-shirt?
me: oh. what's with the giant lipstick marks?
him: ha?
me: and look...what does that say? it says 'f*ck...the...rules'
him: but i didn't see these! all i could see was the word error!
me: very smart. wait til the dad sees this.
he wore it inside out out for the rest of the day after that.
i'm bored, man. but hey, i have a word. EPIDEMIOLOGY. not as good as the last few words, is it? exactly.
what does it mean...
...when you get an email with the subject 'FW: Fwd: FW: Fwd: Fw: [Fwd: Fwd: Fw:'?
...when you get an email with the subject 'FW: Fwd: FW: Fwd: Fw: [Fwd: Fwd: Fw:'?
yesterday evening in my room. throwing maltesers in the air and catching them in my mouth. then i realise niece #1 is watching me.
me: you caught me.
niece #1: hand them over.
me: you caught me.
niece #1: hand them over.
Violinists' fury at 'pay fiddle' - 'The musicians deny being pedantic. "We could have calculated the surcharge per semi-quaver, but we chose to take an easier course," one violinist said.'
sure it's not that interesting, but that paragraph made me laugh.
sure it's not that interesting, but that paragraph made me laugh.
office neighbour was telling me about a victorinox credit card sized swiss army mini tool kit thingy she got free with a magazine subscription, and she brought it in today. we both agreed victorinox were good, i mentioned the set of knives we have at home. and the scar on my thumb was proof of how sharp they can be. i told her about how i was using a brand new victorinox meat knife (at least i think it was a meat knife, because the dad bought it, innit) on a phone cover or something, and how everyone knows you shouldn't use a knife to manipulate stuff, because it's always the knife that gives way. and how it went straight for my thumb. of course i shook my hand in pain and got blood all over the place. office neighbour covers her face in fear.
her: how old were you?
me: er, this happened last year.
her: oh bushra! how could you!
me: i know, i know.
her: how old were you?
me: er, this happened last year.
her: oh bushra! how could you!
me: i know, i know.
for brother #1: kicksology.net - 'We don't pull any punches, if we think a shoe doesn't make the cut we'll let you know, no matter who makes it or who endorses it.'
strange day. i just spent an hour or so wandering around the house putting things right (note, tell brother #5 off for leaving trainer marks all over the bathroom floor). i walked around with my walkman on this time, and it kinda helps. anyway. 9.30pm i walk in to the living room. empty. wow. the dad is nowhere to be found. i start watching tv not because i want to, but because it is available. 20 minutes later a car pulls up outside. yep. it's the dad. of course i didn't notice this, i barely registered the car lights. when he gets inside i catch him asking sister #5 why all the lights are on.
the dad: there i've turned them off, no need for so many lights on!
me: ...
the dad: oh very bigheaded of you, i say something to you and you think you don't have to answer!
me: what! i'm watching tv! you know what i'm like when i watch tv! i can't hear anything except the tv! don't take it personally!
he was happy with that. time to hand over the remote, though.
the dad: there i've turned them off, no need for so many lights on!
me: ...
the dad: oh very bigheaded of you, i say something to you and you think you don't have to answer!
me: what! i'm watching tv! you know what i'm like when i watch tv! i can't hear anything except the tv! don't take it personally!
he was happy with that. time to hand over the remote, though.
tv with sister #5. that advert with the woman singing as she hands out bottles of coke to people comes on. we both speak at the same time:
me: oh i hate this advert.
her: oh i love this advert.
it's why we get on so well.
me: oh i hate this advert.
her: oh i love this advert.
it's why we get on so well.
back at work after three days off and i'm too scared to check my inbox. or look at the stuff on my desk. or in-tray. oh my god, i can't move.
my phone has gone away for repair, so no moblogging, which is good. i'm hoping they won't notice how the screen is a bit crooked from the time i sat on it by mistake. anyway. i'd given the last phone to brother #5, and when he got a new phone he let my phone get buried under the dirt and dust and cigarette ash in his car. so yeah, i had to wash my phone. literally. don't you try it. you've got to know how to wash these things. sticking under a tap will only break it, unless you know me or brother #4, in which case we might be able to save it (brother #4 has a price). it works just fine, i even kind of missed it. the background is a picture of niece #2 standing against a wall in bradford, brother #4 took it and named it 'in the ghetto.'
i have to go give niece #3 a manicure now. we're using maybelline water shine, plum temptation, in case you were wondering.
i have to go give niece #3 a manicure now. we're using maybelline water shine, plum temptation, in case you were wondering.
gridlock is back. 7am and i'm playing gridlock. that doesn't sound good, does it? yeah well, sister #5 actually got up early and did the washing up she was meant to do last night.
i'm so angry that i:
a: had a line all prepared for when brother #2 would no doubt step in and interfere with the way i made 'dinner.' it was, 'i'm begging you, i don't need to hear about the art of making a perfect pizza today.' but he never did interfere. that's what marriage does to you i think, makes you feel like you should be waited on hand and foot. if you're brother #2, innit.
b: felt sick at the thought of watching television in the same room as sister #5. personally i think my diss of 'yeah well, play join the dots with the zits on your nose and it spells out 'i need a pore strip!'' was good. maybe a little too long but bitchy, right? anyway. she was a bitch today and i was this close to embedding the smallest table in a set of three in her skull.
c: and finally. flicking tv channels later and i point out to sister #4 how the little boy in that film 'perfect world' looks exactly like nephew #1. so i phone his mother sister #2 about this boy on tv who looks exactly like nephew #1. a bit of chit chat and she's all i really have to go, i have some laundry stuff to do. sister #4 does her wavy arms thing and says 'give me the phone for just! one! second! i just wanna say hi!' and proceeds to chat for about 20 minutes. it pissed me off so much that people are too busy to talk to me because they have clothes to wash, but hey, if you're sister #4 i can talk to you for ages. it pissed me off so much i grabbed my phone back off sister #4 (i did warn her a coupla times) and ended the call.
i think i'm going to be sick. i'm going to make a cup of tea. and i can't get that right either.
a: had a line all prepared for when brother #2 would no doubt step in and interfere with the way i made 'dinner.' it was, 'i'm begging you, i don't need to hear about the art of making a perfect pizza today.' but he never did interfere. that's what marriage does to you i think, makes you feel like you should be waited on hand and foot. if you're brother #2, innit.
b: felt sick at the thought of watching television in the same room as sister #5. personally i think my diss of 'yeah well, play join the dots with the zits on your nose and it spells out 'i need a pore strip!'' was good. maybe a little too long but bitchy, right? anyway. she was a bitch today and i was this close to embedding the smallest table in a set of three in her skull.
c: and finally. flicking tv channels later and i point out to sister #4 how the little boy in that film 'perfect world' looks exactly like nephew #1. so i phone his mother sister #2 about this boy on tv who looks exactly like nephew #1. a bit of chit chat and she's all i really have to go, i have some laundry stuff to do. sister #4 does her wavy arms thing and says 'give me the phone for just! one! second! i just wanna say hi!' and proceeds to chat for about 20 minutes. it pissed me off so much that people are too busy to talk to me because they have clothes to wash, but hey, if you're sister #4 i can talk to you for ages. it pissed me off so much i grabbed my phone back off sister #4 (i did warn her a coupla times) and ended the call.
i think i'm going to be sick. i'm going to make a cup of tea. and i can't get that right either.
the parents are away. brother #4 is in demand. i dunno, i take a few days off work and i become his PA or something:
the dad: get him to call me.
brother #2: tell him to call me as soon as he gets home.
brother #3: where did he go? when did he say he'll be back? why isn't he answering his phone?
brother #4: if the dad calls tell him...wait...actually send a text message for me...
me: do it yourself, chickenshit!
the dad: get him to call me.
brother #2: tell him to call me as soon as he gets home.
brother #3: where did he go? when did he say he'll be back? why isn't he answering his phone?
brother #4: if the dad calls tell him...wait...actually send a text message for me...
me: do it yourself, chickenshit!
animalsontheunderground.com: J sent me this link today. so you're sitting there staring up at the map and all of a sudden you think 'hey, that looks like an elephant.' well ok.
from Silent Words Speak Loudest:
'The call of the wild - I noticed today that the Birmingham Evening Mail is advertising for new newspaper vendors. Judging by the current crop, presumably the only qualification hopeful applicants need is the ability to emit the sort of inarticulate and pained cry that one might associate with a pterodactyl nursing a broken wing.'
it made me laugh anyway.
so anyway, if you've had a filling on your upper left second molar and two fillings on your lower right first premolar and another second molar, which side of your teeth are you supposed to eat with? niece #1 had a fight over the remote control. she ended it with a sneer and a promise to break my teeth. sha-a-a-ame.
'The call of the wild - I noticed today that the Birmingham Evening Mail is advertising for new newspaper vendors. Judging by the current crop, presumably the only qualification hopeful applicants need is the ability to emit the sort of inarticulate and pained cry that one might associate with a pterodactyl nursing a broken wing.'
it made me laugh anyway.
so anyway, if you've had a filling on your upper left second molar and two fillings on your lower right first premolar and another second molar, which side of your teeth are you supposed to eat with? niece #1 had a fight over the remote control. she ended it with a sneer and a promise to break my teeth. sha-a-a-ame.
sister #4 and niece #1 had to meet me at the dentist today. the anaesthetic had left me giddy. so anyway, i said to niece #1:
me: if you thlap thith thide of my fath ith wonth hurth.
and then we stood in the supermarket laughing for about five minutes, as i tried to read out 'ithalian thwee layer vegetable lathagne.'
me: if you thlap thith thide of my fath ith wonth hurth.
and then we stood in the supermarket laughing for about five minutes, as i tried to read out 'ithalian thwee layer vegetable lathagne.'
the thing about my dentist is, he likes to state the obvious:
'wow...the socket is fine...but the area where the anaesthetic was injected has all been burnt...it's all raw...like a giant ulcer...'
either i post crappy complaints on this blog for the next five days, or i post nothing at all.
(i got antibiotics. i always get antibiotics. i hate antibiotics.)
'wow...the socket is fine...but the area where the anaesthetic was injected has all been burnt...it's all raw...like a giant ulcer...'
either i post crappy complaints on this blog for the next five days, or i post nothing at all.
(i got antibiotics. i always get antibiotics. i hate antibiotics.)
this is bonjela. apparently, when you apply it to your raw and painful gums, it is actually meant to really really sting and make your eyes water (brother #1: 'you wimp.')
niece #1, age 5, assumed ownership of this CD this evening, screaming and crying it was hers. when i managed to get her to load it in my hifi so i could play a song for sister #4 to hear, she wanted to do it all by herself. i turn my back for one minute...
sister #4: bushra! something has happened to your hifi!
me: what?!
sister #4: niece #1 put the CD in and it made a little bang sound and now it won't switch on.
niece #1: (a very. loud. wail.)
me: this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't taken it out in the first place!
brother #1: it's not her fault! what's happened?
me: i think it's blown like the last time.
brother #1: don't blame niece #1. (still wailing. he picks her up and takes her away.)
me: argh! why does this have to happen to me?! ( i switch off the main power again. and on. the hifi lights up. and starts playing.)
sister #4: go and get her now.
me: all right all right! (find the niece.) come here. i want to show you something.
niece #1: (wails again.) pick me up!
me: ok. come on.
sister #4: listen.
the hifi is playing 'her' CD. niece #1 looks at me, then sister #4.
niece #1: bitches.
niece #1, age 5, assumed ownership of this CD this evening, screaming and crying it was hers. when i managed to get her to load it in my hifi so i could play a song for sister #4 to hear, she wanted to do it all by herself. i turn my back for one minute...
sister #4: bushra! something has happened to your hifi!
me: what?!
sister #4: niece #1 put the CD in and it made a little bang sound and now it won't switch on.
niece #1: (a very. loud. wail.)
me: this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't taken it out in the first place!
brother #1: it's not her fault! what's happened?
me: i think it's blown like the last time.
brother #1: don't blame niece #1. (still wailing. he picks her up and takes her away.)
me: argh! why does this have to happen to me?! ( i switch off the main power again. and on. the hifi lights up. and starts playing.)
sister #4: go and get her now.
me: all right all right! (find the niece.) come here. i want to show you something.
niece #1: (wails again.) pick me up!
me: ok. come on.
sister #4: listen.
the hifi is playing 'her' CD. niece #1 looks at me, then sister #4.
niece #1: bitches.
as easy as it is to slate the bullring, there's almost always something for the moblog.
will you shut up about your tooth?
Bad teeth blamed on fizzy drinks.
no more coke, no more sweets, no more chocolate.
Bad teeth blamed on fizzy drinks.
no more coke, no more sweets, no more chocolate.
these are the bees knees.
it is friday tomorrow, isn't it? isn't it?
i keep meaning to nick some teething gel (it works) off nephew #4, but i always forget. bother.
seriously: should i have asked to keep 'the tooth'?
it is friday tomorrow, isn't it? isn't it?
i keep meaning to nick some teething gel (it works) off nephew #4, but i always forget. bother.
seriously: should i have asked to keep 'the tooth'?
why is it that anaesthetic from a dentist would take all day to wear off as a kid, but now it seems to last only an hour or so?
J: My friend and I have always harboured this idea about writing a sitcom in the event that all else fails, and I am rather keen on the prospect of writing something for the BBC which might even be as good as, say, Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps or My Family. I am particularly excited about my current idea. Imagine you are a television executive, and give me your honest opinion on the following. The premise of the show is this. The cast essentially consists of: [1] The Ghost Of Princess Diana, [2] Prince Charles, and [3] Camilla Parker-Bowles. Each episode of the show would be made up of the Ghost Of Princess Diana playing various vengeful, supernatural practical jokes on Charles and Camilla, with certain zany and amusing outcomes. Lookalikes would be hired to play the characters, and Princess Diana would be filmed in soft focus black and white to emphasize her 'ghostliness'. Whaddya think? Eh? Eh?
More than just a pretty interface: 'Some women use earphones to deflect unwanted attention, finding it easier to avoid responding because they look already occupied.'
Some women also use earphones so they don't have to hear how you're on the bus, you're five minutes away, you're just round the corner, ta-ra.
Some women also use earphones so they don't have to hear how you're on the bus, you're five minutes away, you're just round the corner, ta-ra.
yesterday's news.
niece #1 demanded some change off sister #5. sister #5 said she didn't have any, so niece #1 punched her on the nose. and sister #5's nose started to bleed. very very badly. niece #1 hid in her room, and missed seeing her dad, brother #1, smiling with pride. just as well really because there's no way she would let him tell her off if she'd known.
niece #1 demanded some change off sister #5. sister #5 said she didn't have any, so niece #1 punched her on the nose. and sister #5's nose started to bleed. very very badly. niece #1 hid in her room, and missed seeing her dad, brother #1, smiling with pride. just as well really because there's no way she would let him tell her off if she'd known.
sister #5 is actually being serious about her schoolwork. apparently her form has to do an assembly in front of the whole school very soon, their form teacher landed it on them, set the subject (FarmAfrica) and left them to it. no help or support or use of a classroom to work on it or anything. anyway. they show their script to their form teacher who decides it is so good, she wants the girls to present it to the geography department before the actual day. apparently she's been bragging about it as if she was the brains behind it. this has pissed sister #5 and co. off (well, they are 16), and they've re-written the script to teach the geography department all about safe sex instead. but ssh, you can't tell anyone, because it's a surprise.
at niece #1's school world book day came a day late. to mark the occasion, friday was declared non uniform day (niece: 'i'm going to wear my dress, some nail polish and lipstick.' i know.).
i'm just a bit pissed off they didn't give out vouchers this year, i don't mind saving a couple of quid on books, innit.
i'm just a bit pissed off they didn't give out vouchers this year, i don't mind saving a couple of quid on books, innit.
Wired News: Warning: Blogs Can Be Infectious.
i like these pictures: BBC News Online: Your perspective on the world: 28 Feb - 5 March.
despite all the faults my phone has, i'll never get over how the t9 dictionary actually contains the word 'innit.' innit K?
me: you can't tell brother #2 about my blog, i don't want him knowing about it.
brother #1: a-ha! (think evil laugh.)
hey adnan, what was that you were saying about comics, like, ages ago?
brother #1: a-ha! (think evil laugh.)
hey adnan, what was that you were saying about comics, like, ages ago?
i remember getting into trouble about email at job #3, my ‘probationary period’ was extended by six months and i got a warning by this little guy from personnel who dropped by our office especially. it wasn’t just me though, a few other people got warnings and one guy was fired. yesterday afternoon:
Subject:
me: oh. my. god. you will not believe what i know.
team member #2: you can't do that, tell me please
me: no no no no no
#2: don't be mean
me: nope!
#2: give me a clue.
me: no. that'll be one too many.
#2: come on tell me tell me tell me
me: absolutely. no. way.
#2: is it something really juicy
me: well DUH!
#2: who does it involve
me: not another word. sorry.
#2: meany
me: i know. ha ha!
Subject:
me: oh. my. god. you will not believe what i know.
team member #2: you can't do that, tell me please
me: no no no no no
#2: don't be mean
me: nope!
#2: give me a clue.
me: no. that'll be one too many.
#2: come on tell me tell me tell me
me: absolutely. no. way.
#2: is it something really juicy
me: well DUH!
#2: who does it involve
me: not another word. sorry.
#2: meany
me: i know. ha ha!
just so you know...
...sitting in the canteen at work and suddenly saying 'look, fire!' really very loud will cause people to jump out of their seats and then laugh at you after.
...sitting in the canteen at work and suddenly saying 'look, fire!' really very loud will cause people to jump out of their seats and then laugh at you after.
i got this in my inbox yesterday.
it reminds me of brother #4's not funny at all joke. ever since we were kids all he has to say is 'why did the chicken cross the road?' and we start laughing. why did the chicken cross the road?
brother #4: to get to the other side.
not funny. but still we laugh.
it reminds me of brother #4's not funny at all joke. ever since we were kids all he has to say is 'why did the chicken cross the road?' and we start laughing. why did the chicken cross the road?
brother #4: to get to the other side.
not funny. but still we laugh.
J: shake it like a polaroid picture, innit.
or maybe not. Polaroid warns buyers not to 'shake it'. [via saima says]. you've been told. i actually got to watch more of the 'hey ya' the video today, off the single. the bit at the beginning, when they're in the dressing room, is really funny. i got halfway through before sister #5 came running and told me to shut it down because the mother was in the house. like that, it was.
or maybe not. Polaroid warns buyers not to 'shake it'. [via saima says]. you've been told. i actually got to watch more of the 'hey ya' the video today, off the single. the bit at the beginning, when they're in the dressing room, is really funny. i got halfway through before sister #5 came running and told me to shut it down because the mother was in the house. like that, it was.
brother #5 is not due back at work for another two weeks. this does not stop him from going out and doing whatever he does. he's sitting at the kitchen table with two mobile phones, rounding his friends up:
'....parasite! why aren't you answering your phone?...yeah well come pick me up in about five minutes...what do you mean later? i've got cigarettes!'
i'm sure he woke one of his other friends and ended the call with 'sweet dreams.'
'....parasite! why aren't you answering your phone?...yeah well come pick me up in about five minutes...what do you mean later? i've got cigarettes!'
i'm sure he woke one of his other friends and ended the call with 'sweet dreams.'
's cold, innit?
the heating is on full blast in this office. i suppose i could phone the people downstairs and tell them to turn it down, but the office neighbour does a better job. and she's not feeling the hot air as much as i am. i'm convinced when i go outside there's going to be heat that goes with that sunshine.
that's it. due to see the dentist next tuesday. here we go again.
the heating is on full blast in this office. i suppose i could phone the people downstairs and tell them to turn it down, but the office neighbour does a better job. and she's not feeling the hot air as much as i am. i'm convinced when i go outside there's going to be heat that goes with that sunshine.
that's it. due to see the dentist next tuesday. here we go again.