sister #5. again.
her: you scare me, you know.
me: well it's about f*cking time!
her: you scare me, you know.
me: well it's about f*cking time!
in the kitchen this afternoon, we're talking career options. sister #5 hits on the idea of becoming a weathergirl. holding a roll of clingfilm, she points to the ceiling and begins: 'in the south...'
Academic Merits: 0; Service Merits:0.
sister #5 has been walking around confused all week. 'i don't get it,' she says, 'everyone else has been given their end of year reports except me.'
me: that's because they want to hand deliver yours.
sister #5: brother #4 said that as well!
me: i saw your detention slip this morning. another one for 'shouting out in class and missing a detention.' very well done.
sister #5: oh that. that was when my friend ran out of one door of the science lab, and when the teacher went chasing after her i ran out of the other door.
me: funny!
sister #5: and then yesterday he comes into my last lesson and writes in big letters on the blackboard how i have detention right after. so i said 'yes I KNOW! there's no need to REMIND ME! DUH!' and then he said 'that's another detention.'
it's all they can do, give her a detention. one word from sister #5 and really, you lose the will to live. and her report arrived in the post yesterday morning.
me: i want to see this!
the dad: you'll be late for work.
me: i'll be back...
sister #5 has been walking around confused all week. 'i don't get it,' she says, 'everyone else has been given their end of year reports except me.'
me: that's because they want to hand deliver yours.
sister #5: brother #4 said that as well!
me: i saw your detention slip this morning. another one for 'shouting out in class and missing a detention.' very well done.
sister #5: oh that. that was when my friend ran out of one door of the science lab, and when the teacher went chasing after her i ran out of the other door.
me: funny!
sister #5: and then yesterday he comes into my last lesson and writes in big letters on the blackboard how i have detention right after. so i said 'yes I KNOW! there's no need to REMIND ME! DUH!' and then he said 'that's another detention.'
it's all they can do, give her a detention. one word from sister #5 and really, you lose the will to live. and her report arrived in the post yesterday morning.
me: i want to see this!
the dad: you'll be late for work.
me: i'll be back...
at the beginning of this week, the tray of charity sweets at the front desk at work was full. when i told the nieces about the charity sweets (i know, very clever) they demanded a bag of sweets each. so on my way out this afternoon, i pick up two bags, and put my money in the honesty box. what i notice is, half the sweets had gone, and there was no money in the box until i put my two quid in. which is a bit mean, innit?
hahaha. this is like getting an aerogramme from a distant cousin abroad, where they've only just got electricity or something.
Hey, I heard a Darkness track on this new LA Indie radio station the other day. It was awful. Are they really popular over there now or something?
Run, brian, run.
(the ruler woman is just crazy about them: 'I think they're brilliant, I do.')
Hey, I heard a Darkness track on this new LA Indie radio station the other day. It was awful. Are they really popular over there now or something?
Run, brian, run.
(the ruler woman is just crazy about them: 'I think they're brilliant, I do.')
it took me ages to come up with something for the acme labelmaker, but i think i've got it:
[link from mandarin daily]
[link from mandarin daily]
J: I cannot believe the amount of crumbs C has left on my desk in my absence.
me: You know what you need to do? You need to draw your boss.
[link from brian.]
me: You know what you need to do? You need to draw your boss.
[link from brian.]
niece #1 chases me up the stairs.
her: can i cross off the day on the calendar?
me: hmm, well, it really is niece #3's turn today...
her: oh, i want to do it...
me: i don't know, it really is niece #3's turn...
her: pleeeease...
me: no. niece #3 is going to do it.
what follows is niece #1 jumping left to right to get past me to the calendar. you know how when people pick up something really hot and they throw it from one hand to another? niece #1 jumped around way faster than that. every time i managed to grab her she quickly broke free; but she didn't win. niece #3 got to cross the day off today. right now she's banging on the bathroom door, demanding that brother #4 gives her baby shampoo back. don't mess, innit.
her: can i cross off the day on the calendar?
me: hmm, well, it really is niece #3's turn today...
her: oh, i want to do it...
me: i don't know, it really is niece #3's turn...
her: pleeeease...
me: no. niece #3 is going to do it.
what follows is niece #1 jumping left to right to get past me to the calendar. you know how when people pick up something really hot and they throw it from one hand to another? niece #1 jumped around way faster than that. every time i managed to grab her she quickly broke free; but she didn't win. niece #3 got to cross the day off today. right now she's banging on the bathroom door, demanding that brother #4 gives her baby shampoo back. don't mess, innit.
the office neighbour and i are doing chit chat.
her: i need coffee...this place is crazy.
me: oh i knew that.
her: you could have told me!
her: i need coffee...this place is crazy.
me: oh i knew that.
her: you could have told me!
'I'm a paki and proud:' Businessman Abdul Rahim says he wants to reclaim the P-word from racists - and he's using his 'PAK1' clothes label to do it. "The racists hijacked this word and the power and confidence is with them. I want that power and confidence back with us."
i don't know what to make of it.
[link from brian]
i don't know what to make of it.
[link from brian]
today's words (yes, there's two): CEMENT GUN.
on sunday i let the nieces download the tikkabilla jive. i preferred the balamory karaoke myself. balamory is good. if i'm home before 5 niece #1 will always shout 'balamory's on!' so we can watch it together. beats all that reality crap advertised on buses everywhere.
on sunday i let the nieces download the tikkabilla jive. i preferred the balamory karaoke myself. balamory is good. if i'm home before 5 niece #1 will always shout 'balamory's on!' so we can watch it together. beats all that reality crap advertised on buses everywhere.
it's been a while, but that noisy office person has taken to scratching her back with her ruler again. not while i'm having my cup of tea, please!
sister #4 is sending picture messages from my phone to her phone. just one, she says, as her phone buzzes for the third time.
her: you know when you took this picture, couldn't you take it the other way round? it would have been much better.
me: i'll tell you what i'm going to do...
her: what? are you going to load it on your pc, turn it round, save it then send it to my phone?
me: ...i'm going to take this phone cable...
her: ha?
me: ...and wrap it around your neck.
she laughs at this. i don't think people are taking me seriously anymore.
her: you know when you took this picture, couldn't you take it the other way round? it would have been much better.
me: i'll tell you what i'm going to do...
her: what? are you going to load it on your pc, turn it round, save it then send it to my phone?
me: ...i'm going to take this phone cable...
her: ha?
me: ...and wrap it around your neck.
she laughs at this. i don't think people are taking me seriously anymore.
Sonic's latest is headache for oldies: 'Back in the early 1990s I spent many an hour playing Sonic The Hedgehog 2 on Sega Game Gear. The essential simplicity of the game - 2D, speedy side-scrolling action, ring collection - made it immediately accessible.'
summer last year could be defined as the summer where we had barbecues every day. summer ten years ago, when the dad and sister #2 went off to pakistan with brother #5 and sister #4, that summer the remaining brothers played sonic 2 on the sega mega drive all, day, long. sometimes until 3am. i just sat and watched them play, at least that way i got to actually see the more advanced zones. brothers #3 and #4 were determined to complete all the levels, each one more colourful with an even cooler sounding theme tune than the last. unless you're as much a sonic fan as brother #4 and me, you just won't get why we have the theme tune to the 'chemical plant zone' set up as the main ringtones on our phones.
summer last year could be defined as the summer where we had barbecues every day. summer ten years ago, when the dad and sister #2 went off to pakistan with brother #5 and sister #4, that summer the remaining brothers played sonic 2 on the sega mega drive all, day, long. sometimes until 3am. i just sat and watched them play, at least that way i got to actually see the more advanced zones. brothers #3 and #4 were determined to complete all the levels, each one more colourful with an even cooler sounding theme tune than the last. unless you're as much a sonic fan as brother #4 and me, you just won't get why we have the theme tune to the 'chemical plant zone' set up as the main ringtones on our phones.
it was sister #5's 16th birthday yesterday. but she had cake today. no surprise.
brother #1: (to sister #4) get me a cup of tea and a slice of cake!
me: ha! worzel gummidge!
brother #1: shut up, aunt sally!
we've grown up, really we have.
brother #1: (to sister #4) get me a cup of tea and a slice of cake!
me: ha! worzel gummidge!
brother #1: shut up, aunt sally!
we've grown up, really we have.
ooh, look. haloscan does trackback now. not that i knew what trackback does in the first place.
last night i dreamt i told someone they had technically perfect hair. i think i can see why the mother finds my dreams completely useless now.
ha ha ha ha ha ha
J: '...Depending on my mood and what's in my pockets, I do sometimes give money to homeless people. Once I put a pound coin in this drunken homeless guy's hand.
He said: "That's not a real f*cking coin!"
So I said: "Give it back then, you f*cking c*nt!"
But he didn't....'
J: '...Depending on my mood and what's in my pockets, I do sometimes give money to homeless people. Once I put a pound coin in this drunken homeless guy's hand.
He said: "That's not a real f*cking coin!"
So I said: "Give it back then, you f*cking c*nt!"
But he didn't....'
this will be the last ever post on the Normal Happening of Brother #4 and the Broken Foot. before he decides to get his foot checked out at the hospital, he makes his way downstairs. i can hear him from one of the rooms.
him: ow.
me: no sympathy.
him: ow!
me: no sympathy!
him: OW!
me: NO SYMPATHY!
i know what you're thinking, you're thinking throw away the key, right? well i didn't know he'd go and break his foot, did i? and i managed to cheer him up with:
him: i think it's broken.
me: at least we know your rage was pure.
him: ow.
me: no sympathy.
him: ow!
me: no sympathy!
him: OW!
me: NO SYMPATHY!
i know what you're thinking, you're thinking throw away the key, right? well i didn't know he'd go and break his foot, did i? and i managed to cheer him up with:
him: i think it's broken.
me: at least we know your rage was pure.
me: maybe i should break his other foot as well.
sister #5/ sister-in-law #2: don't say that!
sister #5/ sister-in-law #2: don't say that!
J: So anyway, is it true that the Asian family in Eastenders were brought in just because they were so bad at acting that it was hoped nobody would notice Vicky had changed nationality?
me: Well, I always thought Vicky's change in nationality (or do you mean accent?) was a cover for the fact that the Asian family are so bad at acting.
me: Well, I always thought Vicky's change in nationality (or do you mean accent?) was a cover for the fact that the Asian family are so bad at acting.
team work
S: here's the plan. as soon as Q & A is over, before they begin on the next talk, head straight for the door...
me: ...i need to go buy those presents for my nieces...
S: ...don't stop and say bye to anyone, just walk straight out ok? i want to get the early train back...
me: ...ooh look free newspaper!
S: ...and try not to get noticed by the bosses either...
me: ...and matches!
S: will you listen?! we need to try and get out of here early!
me: what? oh, ok. well why don't we just leave now?
we hid under the stairs with team member #2 when we get rumbled by the authority.
him: can you believe there won't be any tea or coffee later? what are you doing on the stairs?
me: well. we'd like to leave now to get the early train please.
him: well go on then.
here's the thing: i'm right, i'm always right.
S: here's the plan. as soon as Q & A is over, before they begin on the next talk, head straight for the door...
me: ...i need to go buy those presents for my nieces...
S: ...don't stop and say bye to anyone, just walk straight out ok? i want to get the early train back...
me: ...ooh look free newspaper!
S: ...and try not to get noticed by the bosses either...
me: ...and matches!
S: will you listen?! we need to try and get out of here early!
me: what? oh, ok. well why don't we just leave now?
we hid under the stairs with team member #2 when we get rumbled by the authority.
him: can you believe there won't be any tea or coffee later? what are you doing on the stairs?
me: well. we'd like to leave now to get the early train please.
him: well go on then.
here's the thing: i'm right, i'm always right.
one recommendation to see cheaper by the dozen is one recommendation too many. so stop it.
me: the second metatarsal bone on his right foot.
brian: Is that the Beckham bone?
brother #4 has a broken foot, and it's all. my. fault.
brian: Is that the Beckham bone?
brother #4 has a broken foot, and it's all. my. fault.
friday evening. walking home with the mother, helping her carry the shopping home. brother #4 leaves the house and is walking up the street when he sees us, and starts walking like a penguin:
the mother: where are you going?
brother #4: (to me) that body combat class is no good for you; it's making you walk funny.
i thought about this for a second and then gave what i thought was the best possible answer at that time. front kick.
brother #4: ow!
the mother: where are you going?
me: if i wasn't carrying this shopping your face would be feeling ow too.
the mother: where are you going?
me: just going to my friends house! i won't stay out too long!
the mother: what do you do there? do you drink alcohol?
brother #4: what? no! no, we're just going to sit around, smoke some stuff, take some drugs...that's all.
the mother: (she finds this funny) all right, don't stay out too long.
the mother: where are you going?
brother #4: (to me) that body combat class is no good for you; it's making you walk funny.
i thought about this for a second and then gave what i thought was the best possible answer at that time. front kick.
brother #4: ow!
the mother: where are you going?
me: if i wasn't carrying this shopping your face would be feeling ow too.
the mother: where are you going?
me: just going to my friends house! i won't stay out too long!
the mother: what do you do there? do you drink alcohol?
brother #4: what? no! no, we're just going to sit around, smoke some stuff, take some drugs...that's all.
the mother: (she finds this funny) all right, don't stay out too long.
busy busy
sister #4: i need a phone charger! gimme your phone charger!
brother #4: you haven't given it back from the last time you used it! i want my phone charger!
me: gimme your phone. i'll charge it for you, but you can't have the charger.
sister #4: ok. wake me up at 7am tomorrow.
brother #5: i need sandwiches for work!
brother #3: i need sandwiches for work!
brother #4: make me sandwiches for work?
brother #2: here. nephew #4 is missing his aunt. look, he's looking at you.
the dad: has anyone seen my blood pressure monitor?
sister #5: i got two detentions yesterday. are you proud of me?
me: will you ever shut up about school?
sister #5: i said to them, 'put my dad in detention.'
the mother: (translated) a cup of tea and two slices of toast, stat.
me: two minutes!
the house phone rings.
me: hello?
niece #2: baby's cryin'
me: ok i'll be there in a minute.
and i haven't even started on brother #4 acting like homer simpson in that episode where they do indiana jones yet. at the bus stop. at 7am (i know ).
sister #4: i need a phone charger! gimme your phone charger!
brother #4: you haven't given it back from the last time you used it! i want my phone charger!
me: gimme your phone. i'll charge it for you, but you can't have the charger.
sister #4: ok. wake me up at 7am tomorrow.
brother #5: i need sandwiches for work!
brother #3: i need sandwiches for work!
brother #4: make me sandwiches for work?
brother #2: here. nephew #4 is missing his aunt. look, he's looking at you.
the dad: has anyone seen my blood pressure monitor?
sister #5: i got two detentions yesterday. are you proud of me?
me: will you ever shut up about school?
sister #5: i said to them, 'put my dad in detention.'
the mother: (translated) a cup of tea and two slices of toast, stat.
me: two minutes!
the house phone rings.
me: hello?
niece #2: baby's cryin'
me: ok i'll be there in a minute.
and i haven't even started on brother #4 acting like homer simpson in that episode where they do indiana jones yet. at the bus stop. at 7am (i know ).
me: my first ever work related phone call. to my direct line. and it ends with:
me: all right then.
her: ok then.
me: ok then.
her: all right then.
me: bye.
her: bye.
me: i think i might blog that.
J: That's a must blog.
me: all right then.
her: ok then.
me: ok then.
her: all right then.
me: bye.
her: bye.
me: i think i might blog that.
J: That's a must blog.
today's word is MEDICAMENT.
brother #4 isn't well today. this morning he was up at 6 for work, and he made me some breakfast. he even left for work at the same time as me (7am, yes, i know.) so we're on the bus talking about our jobs (he's managed to keep his for nearly a year now, i think) and he told me about the time he was doing night shifts temping for a well known travel company:
'me and my mate yeah, we'd be sitting in this office from 7pm until 7am. half of the office was dark so one night i went over and sat at one of the desks to get some sleep. my mate went crazy trying to find me at 7am and in the end he just left. i woke up at 9.30am, and found myself surrounded by all these people doing their day shifts. and this little voice says: 'er excuse me, can i have my chair please?' so i ran out of there really fast and never went back.'
that's how a lot of his jobs have ended, running out as fast as he can and never going back.
'me and my mate yeah, we'd be sitting in this office from 7pm until 7am. half of the office was dark so one night i went over and sat at one of the desks to get some sleep. my mate went crazy trying to find me at 7am and in the end he just left. i woke up at 9.30am, and found myself surrounded by all these people doing their day shifts. and this little voice says: 'er excuse me, can i have my chair please?' so i ran out of there really fast and never went back.'
that's how a lot of his jobs have ended, running out as fast as he can and never going back.
i'm tired, man. this was a weekend where niece #2 decided to use lipgloss all over her face. as soon as she can read, i'll show her these rules i found at the medical museum [thanks to J for scanning it.]
the nieces bought their dad (brother #1) a mug. it's says something about being 'a special dad.' sister #4 saw sister #5 with it.
sister #4: oh you're a dad, are you?
sister #5: yep. a special one.
the nieces bought their dad (brother #1) a mug. it's says something about being 'a special dad.' sister #4 saw sister #5 with it.
sister #4: oh you're a dad, are you?
sister #5: yep. a special one.
J: I cannot believe you are working for an organisation in which somebody would ask about the difference between and pregnant lady and a pregnant woman, and for there not even to be a punchline. Go on then, what IS the difference?
me: There was no proper answer. Someone said 'the lady is posh' and then another agreed 'the lady doesn't know she's pregnant.' It's like, being hit on the head with this giant mallet, and you're looking around all dizzy, saying 'Where am I? Where am I?'
J: I would have gone for the Groucho Marx line, "That's no lady, that's my wife."
me: There was no proper answer. Someone said 'the lady is posh' and then another agreed 'the lady doesn't know she's pregnant.' It's like, being hit on the head with this giant mallet, and you're looking around all dizzy, saying 'Where am I? Where am I?'
J: I would have gone for the Groucho Marx line, "That's no lady, that's my wife."
wow. look at this porsche. 'All exterior painted surfaces including the dashboard are covered with mirrors.' it was on sale on ebay, there are lots more pictures to see there.
[via random is good.]
[via random is good.]
Flip Flop Junior. it's a children's version of flip flop flyin. wait til i tell the nieces about this. no more singing along to the Tweenies.
'A new internal post system has been introduced and Nicky volunteered to write out all the labels on the envelopes. With a lot of support from Nicky the new system has proved to be very effective. Absences: 12 days 9.5 hours. Latenesses: 9.'
if you're going to sit opposite me on the bus, just be aware, i can read upside-down text.
if you're going to sit opposite me on the bus, just be aware, i can read upside-down text.
A-a-a iyaiyai, Where's my samurai
look. lyrics to DDR Butterfly. thing is if you liked the midi file, (don't lie, you know you did) i think reading this page just might kill it for you.
must. move. on.
look. lyrics to DDR Butterfly. thing is if you liked the midi file, (don't lie, you know you did) i think reading this page just might kill it for you.
must. move. on.
horrible meeting yesterday. horrible. we were stuck on one issue, and for the last half hour of the meeting i sat there with what i thought was the solution scribbled on my notepad. i did try a few times to bring up my idea, but in a meeting where two personalities already clash badly, and the rest of us just wanted to go home please, it was really difficult to say anything. eventually i managed to get my office neighbour’s attention, she realised i was right, got everyone else’s attention and i had to draw it on the whiteboard. ‘yes!’ said everyone, we all ran out of the meeting room and went home.
office neighbour brought it up this morning. she said i was too polite. i told her i didn’t feel happy speaking up at group discussions.
her: why?
me: jury service. ever since then i don’t like taking part in these group discussions. i mean when i was there, at the start i was really taking part, and then this one character was really, really horrible. he made a snide remark and i didn’t speak up again after that.
her: i never thought about it like that. you have to take part though. you had some really good ideas. (team member #1 sits at opposite desk.) didn’t she?
him: yes! bushra! we could have gone home earlier!
her: remember it for next time. now, what do you want?
him: take a look at this email.
her: who accepted it?
him: (points at me) that quiet one over there.
argh!
office neighbour brought it up this morning. she said i was too polite. i told her i didn’t feel happy speaking up at group discussions.
her: why?
me: jury service. ever since then i don’t like taking part in these group discussions. i mean when i was there, at the start i was really taking part, and then this one character was really, really horrible. he made a snide remark and i didn’t speak up again after that.
her: i never thought about it like that. you have to take part though. you had some really good ideas. (team member #1 sits at opposite desk.) didn’t she?
him: yes! bushra! we could have gone home earlier!
her: remember it for next time. now, what do you want?
him: take a look at this email.
her: who accepted it?
him: (points at me) that quiet one over there.
argh!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And their life
Is better than yours,
Damn right is better than yours
argh! get it out of my head!
And their life
Is better than yours,
Damn right is better than yours
argh! get it out of my head!
Playing games on the dance floor: DDR, Dance Dance Revolution, started life as a Konami arcade video game back in the late 1990s. Steps have to be taken in time to the beat of loud tunes, with names like Boom Dollar, Butterfly, and Dam Dariam. The competitors are judged on accuracy and are scored accordingly.
Butterfly is a good ringtone on my phone. last year the dad brought a toy car back from pakistan, you had to wind it up and it would go haywire and zoom all over the floor playing a really tinny version of Butterfly. nephews #1 and #2 were terrified.
Butterfly is a good ringtone on my phone. last year the dad brought a toy car back from pakistan, you had to wind it up and it would go haywire and zoom all over the floor playing a really tinny version of Butterfly. nephews #1 and #2 were terrified.
two days out of the office and i actually have voicemail, i know this because the little red light on my phone says so. there is also a message in my inbox telling me i have voicemail, i can listen to the same message on my pc if i want to. instead i keep clicking on the message to mark it ‘read’ and ‘unread’. each time i mark the message as read the light on the phone switches off, and when i mark it unread the light switches on again. on. off. on. off.
sister #5: the neighbours are asking us to cut the tree down again, they keep saying it will fall on their car in this bad weather. they're not officially asking, they've told the daughter to tell me, she told me to tell you.
brother #1: you never know, it might fall onto my car.
even though the jacket was badly damaged, and i found it in the markdown section of the bookstore, the little woman at 'information' kept insisting The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time was not actually marked down. i started reading it yesterday while niece #3 was chewing on 'one fish, two fish, red fish blue fish' and brother #1 was searching for a cd.
also. i've decided that listening to my walkman at my desk makes for bad feng shui. whatever.
sister #5: the neighbours are asking us to cut the tree down again, they keep saying it will fall on their car in this bad weather. they're not officially asking, they've told the daughter to tell me, she told me to tell you.
brother #1: you never know, it might fall onto my car.
even though the jacket was badly damaged, and i found it in the markdown section of the bookstore, the little woman at 'information' kept insisting The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time was not actually marked down. i started reading it yesterday while niece #3 was chewing on 'one fish, two fish, red fish blue fish' and brother #1 was searching for a cd.
also. i've decided that listening to my walkman at my desk makes for bad feng shui. whatever.
if i wasn't too busy buying stuff, i would have taken a picture of the sign in jd sports at bradford forster square, wishing customers 'eid mubarak' in 5 different languages.
sister #4's surprise at seeing me make an effort and wearing nice clothes for eid quickly turned into a werewolf-like howl when she realised i was wearing my boots. pointing to her 3-inch stilettoes: 'these are cheaper! why do you insist on wearing those?' i pissed her off even more by replacing the boots with trainers later.
so i'm mopping the floor dry after two hours of washing dishes and restoring the cooker to its former glory:
me: if anyone asks for tea i'll slit their throat.
sister-in-law #1: smash their skull!
brother #4 takes tiny steps across the floor to get to the sink.
me:(without looking up) at your own risk, mister.
sister #4's surprise at seeing me make an effort and wearing nice clothes for eid quickly turned into a werewolf-like howl when she realised i was wearing my boots. pointing to her 3-inch stilettoes: 'these are cheaper! why do you insist on wearing those?' i pissed her off even more by replacing the boots with trainers later.
so i'm mopping the floor dry after two hours of washing dishes and restoring the cooker to its former glory:
me: if anyone asks for tea i'll slit their throat.
sister-in-law #1: smash their skull!
brother #4 takes tiny steps across the floor to get to the sink.
me:(without looking up) at your own risk, mister.