today i have learned that children under the age of 5 can cover every clean kitchen surface with jam, mango pulp and andy pandy fromage frais in like, 30 seconds. and children over the age of 5 can bring home parking tickets.
sunday morning. there's a line for the bathroom. i joined nieces #1 and #3 on the stairs. niece #3 is pretty talkative, even though she didn't have a nice night.
me: did you fall off the bed?
niece #3: yeah!
me: did you bump your head?
niece #3: yeah!
i look at niece #1. we know niece #3 doesn't have a clue what she's talking about really.
me: did you eat worms?
and before she could reply, niece #1 burst out laughing, almost throwing herself down the stairs.
me: did you fall off the bed?
niece #3: yeah!
me: did you bump your head?
niece #3: yeah!
i look at niece #1. we know niece #3 doesn't have a clue what she's talking about really.
me: did you eat worms?
and before she could reply, niece #1 burst out laughing, almost throwing herself down the stairs.
have had a migraine since last saturday would you believe. it comes and goes. i thought i managed to bury it away in the back of my head last night, but then today sister #4 dragged me out of bed to go watch matrix reloaded. no, it didn't help things at all. on the plus side there were sale signs everywhere. sister #4 bagged stuff from mango and h & m. yeah whatever. i managed to cross off this cd and this cd off my wishlist. plus a few minidiscs. and a new watch. shit, i went a bit mad, didn't i?
i can't think what to put here. i really can't. oh my god. i'm actually doing something! my brain is no longer vacant!
Cheep thrills for Pakistan bird owners: "More than 450 bird enthusiasts, and their coveted black partridges, were in town for the fifth All-Pakistan Black Partridge Singing Competition." them shows that end in 'idol' can get outta the way.
and before i forget. a link from brian. Contest's missing ingredient: "A city council disappointed at failing to make the European Capital of Culture shortlist admitted yesterday that it had missed another trophy - after failing to fill in the entry form." and we're not even talking about birmingham here. honest.
and before i forget. a link from brian. Contest's missing ingredient: "A city council disappointed at failing to make the European Capital of Culture shortlist admitted yesterday that it had missed another trophy - after failing to fill in the entry form." and we're not even talking about birmingham here. honest.
brother #1 got a 'vee dubya' yesterday. he couldn't stop showing it off. when brother #2 asked me what i thought about it i said the only good thing about it was it made the driveway look nice.
oh yeah. that girl from school found me today. she was like 'hi! how are you?' and i said 'me? no, how are you?' she's on her third case. everybody likes her. i'm getting used to the people around here now. gonna have to if i'm going to be here for more than two weeks. pop quiz: would you watch trisha all day or listen to elton john? or look for the nearest exit, even if it is the roof of the building?
i really really really hate internet caffs.
oh yeah. that girl from school found me today. she was like 'hi! how are you?' and i said 'me? no, how are you?' she's on her third case. everybody likes her. i'm getting used to the people around here now. gonna have to if i'm going to be here for more than two weeks. pop quiz: would you watch trisha all day or listen to elton john? or look for the nearest exit, even if it is the roof of the building?
i really really really hate internet caffs.
yes, but what are the wigs for?
i sat in the court, i saw the video and then i got a plastic cappuccino with my jury service smartcard. for three hours i waited with fifty other people for something to happen. it began with three tv sets playing this talk show. why is it all the 'guests' on the show sound like they're from somerset? but wait, it gets better. on my way to find the 'quiet room' i see a girl i knew from secondary school. oh help. she was a bit of a cow, you never knew where you stood with her. and she'll recognise you after all that time. anyway. i made it to the quiet room without her noticing. only for the doofus at the desk to blast my full name out over the PA. waiting around for hours then sent home at 2.30. 1 day down, 9 to go.
i sat in the court, i saw the video and then i got a plastic cappuccino with my jury service smartcard. for three hours i waited with fifty other people for something to happen. it began with three tv sets playing this talk show. why is it all the 'guests' on the show sound like they're from somerset? but wait, it gets better. on my way to find the 'quiet room' i see a girl i knew from secondary school. oh help. she was a bit of a cow, you never knew where you stood with her. and she'll recognise you after all that time. anyway. i made it to the quiet room without her noticing. only for the doofus at the desk to blast my full name out over the PA. waiting around for hours then sent home at 2.30. 1 day down, 9 to go.
that's it. no more messing around with what the blog looks like. those boxes before. that was just er, experimenting. this is it. no matter what other layouts there are, i keep going back to this one. wanna know where i got the pics from? 1 and 7 are obviously by sam at exploding dog. 2, 3 and 4 are by bren at pixpics. like the fish? i put it up because 1: it doesn't need looking after, and 2: it's in memory of one that felt my anger (the plate was meant to get sister #5). RIP innit. and pics 5 and 6 i got off intuitivmedia.net and yeah, i figured how to stick them up after looking at pixpics.
went shopping with brother #5 today. on the bus back home we pass the local claires on our high st. outside we saw a girl with a mop and bucket cleaning the doorstep. 'er.' says brother #5. 'is that the job sister #5 is getting all excited about?'
went shopping with brother #5 today. on the bus back home we pass the local claires on our high st. outside we saw a girl with a mop and bucket cleaning the doorstep. 'er.' says brother #5. 'is that the job sister #5 is getting all excited about?'
oh, the power
for the next two weeks i'll be doing my jury service, then a week later start my new job. so i'm clearing my email out and i'm finding it very difficult to let this one go:
Bushra can you please organise Colette's deletion. Any problems let me know.
i'm fed up with commenting that is there one minute and gone the next. so no commenting until i set my own up. have defected back to haloscan. ah, fudge it.
for the next two weeks i'll be doing my jury service, then a week later start my new job. so i'm clearing my email out and i'm finding it very difficult to let this one go:
Bushra can you please organise Colette's deletion. Any problems let me know.
holes
what i want to know is, when the film to this book is coming out. when? i read it for job #1 a few years back. that's right. i went on a storytelling course. or summer activities. whatever. this book got mentioned and everyone went away and read it. the idea was some kid comes up to you and says, 'i think i've read all the books in this library, gimme something new.' and then you'd recommend this book. but that never happened much at my old place. but no. the rock, s club 7 and messing about on the internet pc's was much more fun. anyway, look out for the film. i think it's going to be good.
can you tell i can't be bothered these days? blame it on jury service. yes, 3 days to go. can't wait. no seriously. even got fashion advice:
The real question that this week's court case has raised is not why FCUK is so shocking, but why on earth a juror turned up in court wearing something as informal as a T-shirt.
[link via brian] archives are back. zzzzzz.
what i want to know is, when the film to this book is coming out. when? i read it for job #1 a few years back. that's right. i went on a storytelling course. or summer activities. whatever. this book got mentioned and everyone went away and read it. the idea was some kid comes up to you and says, 'i think i've read all the books in this library, gimme something new.' and then you'd recommend this book. but that never happened much at my old place. but no. the rock, s club 7 and messing about on the internet pc's was much more fun. anyway, look out for the film. i think it's going to be good.
can you tell i can't be bothered these days? blame it on jury service. yes, 3 days to go. can't wait. no seriously. even got fashion advice:
The real question that this week's court case has raised is not why FCUK is so shocking, but why on earth a juror turned up in court wearing something as informal as a T-shirt.
[link via brian] archives are back. zzzzzz.
so i'm writing an angry email at work to office neighbour karen, after today's dependant asks me for the fiftieth time: 'bushra, wah-wah-wah-wah-wah?'
and karen sits there oh so cool and says 'ooh i'd recognise that typing anywhere.'
and karen sits there oh so cool and says 'ooh i'd recognise that typing anywhere.'
welcome. to fudgeit.org. brought to you by me, and a lot of help from adnan.
the boss had something nice to say this morning: 'i saw that massive bump on the front of the car as i passed your house last week.' brother #5 went and bumped it on his way to work. brother #2, as ever, likes to describe the situation in the best possible light: 'other guy was a taxi driver. one of them minivans. and there were passengers. so that's eight possible compensation claims for whiplash.' i don't even want to go into any more detail, my brain is whacked from doing sums for the past six months.
so i woke up this morning, wandered around the house for ten minutes and then i looked in the mirror. one perfect horizontal line of dried blood going from my nose to my ear. guess you just had to be there.
i also bought fudgeit.org. you should be happy for me.
so i woke up this morning, wandered around the house for ten minutes and then i looked in the mirror. one perfect horizontal line of dried blood going from my nose to my ear. guess you just had to be there.
i also bought fudgeit.org. you should be happy for me.
face it, brian, you are funny.
Mrs. McCloskey (looking at the cover of People magazine): "Harrison Ford has an ear-ring?"
Me: "It's probably one of Calista Flockhart's old bracelets."
Mrs. McCloskey (looking at the cover of People magazine): "Harrison Ford has an ear-ring?"
Me: "It's probably one of Calista Flockhart's old bracelets."
me: i hate having to make decisions about stuff. but you know i'm always the voice of reason, right?
eight-ball: absolutely not.
eight-ball: absolutely not.
work experience
tomorrow is the last day at claires for sister #5. while she was there she helped out when the manager had a fit, stopped a few shoplifters, and stood there listening to her teacher refer to her as 'trouble' and babble on about how bad she is at school (true). but claires didn't buy it. sister #5 has become the first person they have offered a job for when she leaves school. one less thing to worry about.
the only person she really got on with was the assistant manager. she comes home each day and goes on and on about how exhausted she is and then say 'oh-he-said-this-he-said-that-and-then-we-laughed-about-the-guy-who-keeps-coming-back-asking-for-her.' he wanted her to pierce his ear. then he came back the next day and left his phone number for her. she also happens to be best friend to sister #4. this is what teenage soap operas must be like.
anyway. tomorrow. theme day! ever saturday is theme day at claires! sister #5 is going to come home looking like kelly osbourne!
tomorrow is the last day at claires for sister #5. while she was there she helped out when the manager had a fit, stopped a few shoplifters, and stood there listening to her teacher refer to her as 'trouble' and babble on about how bad she is at school (true). but claires didn't buy it. sister #5 has become the first person they have offered a job for when she leaves school. one less thing to worry about.
the only person she really got on with was the assistant manager. she comes home each day and goes on and on about how exhausted she is and then say 'oh-he-said-this-he-said-that-and-then-we-laughed-about-the-guy-who-keeps-coming-back-asking-for-her.' he wanted her to pierce his ear. then he came back the next day and left his phone number for her. she also happens to be best friend to sister #4. this is what teenage soap operas must be like.
anyway. tomorrow. theme day! ever saturday is theme day at claires! sister #5 is going to come home looking like kelly osbourne!
email, not IM
J: It's really hard to get a Father's Day card if your father isn't a beer-swilling, football-obsessed, golf-playing wanker.
me: or if your dad is wandering around islamabad in a kick ass jeep.
J: How did you know my dad was wandering around Islamabad in a kick ass jeep?
me: psychic, innit.
You know you're a "proper" weblogger when... my god. i am so small fry.
[link from troubled diva.]
what d'you think of these?
J: It's really hard to get a Father's Day card if your father isn't a beer-swilling, football-obsessed, golf-playing wanker.
me: or if your dad is wandering around islamabad in a kick ass jeep.
J: How did you know my dad was wandering around Islamabad in a kick ass jeep?
me: psychic, innit.
You know you're a "proper" weblogger when... my god. i am so small fry.
[link from troubled diva.]
what d'you think of these?
Halal and Kosher slaughter 'must end.' fortunately, no one in my family is in this field of work anymore.
ok. serious posting aside. about the star wars kid. i suppose everyone has seen or heard of him by now, but these links are aimed at jonathan and karen. listen out for the improvised sounds in the original. and then there is the star wars kid remix. karen keeps saying 'what was he thinking?!' over and over.
ok. serious posting aside. about the star wars kid. i suppose everyone has seen or heard of him by now, but these links are aimed at jonathan and karen. listen out for the improvised sounds in the original. and then there is the star wars kid remix. karen keeps saying 'what was he thinking?!' over and over.
i forgot to pick niece #1 up from school at lunchtime today, she was sitting in the school office like some misfit who had just bashed someone in the playground. anyway. i did the whole buying her forgiveness thing at the supermarket: 10 fun size snickers bars! she's just come barging into my room, gritting her teeth and saying: 'i don't want any dinner! i just want a cup of tea and a biscuit!'
i also took niece #3 to the park, she went on of those little ride things, it's like a rocking horse on a spring. she sat on it for half an hour. 'i'm going home,' i said, and walk off with her buggy. i turn around and look at her. 'you coming?'
'nah,' she says, and shakes her head.
i actually took the day off for sister #5's birthday, but i had much more fun with the nieces instead. want me to tell you about their mum? well, my room is right opposite the bathroom, and all weekend i've had rude awakenings because someone has morning sickness. that is all.
so it's out with haloscan and in with squawkbox for commenting. but for how long?
i also took niece #3 to the park, she went on of those little ride things, it's like a rocking horse on a spring. she sat on it for half an hour. 'i'm going home,' i said, and walk off with her buggy. i turn around and look at her. 'you coming?'
'nah,' she says, and shakes her head.
i actually took the day off for sister #5's birthday, but i had much more fun with the nieces instead. want me to tell you about their mum? well, my room is right opposite the bathroom, and all weekend i've had rude awakenings because someone has morning sickness. that is all.
so it's out with haloscan and in with squawkbox for commenting. but for how long?
sister #5's birthday tomorrow. now, when i was at school, the presents i did get were really not my cup of tea. think cuddly toys. most of the time i could tell what they were without opening 'em. so instead i'd give them to sister #5 seeing as her birthday falls exactly a week after mine. this time however, the presents were too cool. so i'm getting her a hair dryer. hey, it was on her wish list, ok?!
ok i'm back. i really can't be bothered with this going away for a bit thing. among the presents i got for my birthday was an eight-ball. i can never make my fricken mind up.
Fears for pair held on West Bank. i knww of one of these, he was brother #4's partner in crime at secondary school. and the sister mentioned hates the guts of sister #5 (trust me, the feeling is mutual). i remember whenever he came round trying to see if brother #4 would be allowed out, the mother would chase him away with her broom (she does a lot of that). anyway, he was quite a dimwit, i thought he was going to end up doing nothing useful with his life. but you know those kids that are absolute good for nothings and end up with better grades than anyone else in their year? that's him. we started seeing him wandering around looking out of place with a grammar school blazer on, and i think he was at university after that. and at the moment he's 'been detained for more than a week by Israeli authorities on suspicion of being a suicide bomber.' flippin heck. definitely a mistake.
in an attempt to convince myself that all crap must come to an end, i give you a heart warming story. later.
Fears for pair held on West Bank. i knww of one of these, he was brother #4's partner in crime at secondary school. and the sister mentioned hates the guts of sister #5 (trust me, the feeling is mutual). i remember whenever he came round trying to see if brother #4 would be allowed out, the mother would chase him away with her broom (she does a lot of that). anyway, he was quite a dimwit, i thought he was going to end up doing nothing useful with his life. but you know those kids that are absolute good for nothings and end up with better grades than anyone else in their year? that's him. we started seeing him wandering around looking out of place with a grammar school blazer on, and i think he was at university after that. and at the moment he's 'been detained for more than a week by Israeli authorities on suspicion of being a suicide bomber.' flippin heck. definitely a mistake.
in an attempt to convince myself that all crap must come to an end, i give you a heart warming story. later.
i went to visit job #1 today. not new job #1 but the place where i had my first job: a library. i needed to get some files, upload them and then leave the library in peace. the same people are there still asking for the same newspapers, or using the same pc. anyway. i left and while i'm waiting at the bus stop i see a 'crazy' who visited the library once. uh-oh.
her: 'you work at that library.'
me: 'used to.'
'and you used to wear glasses.'
'yeah, but then i had this miracle makeover.'
'obviously didn't work, did it? (i'm telling you i was being sarcastic!)see now i've made a million because i have an indian hair and beauty service.'
oh sure. when i had to help her out at the library, she had a fashion store. she also told my colleague she was a nuclear scientist, and with a teeny tiny atom she could blow the place up.
her: 'you work at that library.'
me: 'used to.'
'and you used to wear glasses.'
'yeah, but then i had this miracle makeover.'
'obviously didn't work, did it? (i'm telling you i was being sarcastic!)see now i've made a million because i have an indian hair and beauty service.'
oh sure. when i had to help her out at the library, she had a fashion store. she also told my colleague she was a nuclear scientist, and with a teeny tiny atom she could blow the place up.
guess what happened this morning. just guess.
brother #1's car is currently getting serviced (the others laugh at him behind his back, they think he's a pretty crap driver who runs every car he gets into the ground). so he needs a car to get to work. brother #3 has hidden his honda out of reach at brother #2's house. but brother #2 wasn't that lucky. his audi stays at our house, the plan is brother #5 should drive him to work and bring the car back (everyone knows brother #1 can't handle a giant audi). but no. brother #1 insists he can drive the car just fine.
at 6.45am today he sets off for work. the car won't start. so he bounds up the stairs and tries to wake brother #5 up. 'start the car for me, come on, wake up, i'm going to be late for work. get up get up get up.' 3 minutes later i hear someone really slamming the garage door shut, my room is above the garage, and the whole floor shook. then i hear the front door shut, and brother #5 stamps his feet up the stairs. he doesn't look very happy: 'i was half asleep and i drove into the garage door, innit.' the door isn't badly damaged, so one more thing to add to my to do list this weekend.
birthday present #1: the amazing live sea monkeys on mars. they hatched sometime yesterday, and the are lots of 'em (ok, about 10) just swimming about in this small tank. their first feeding day is saturday.
17 days left until jury service
75 days left for K to get her dress
brother #1's car is currently getting serviced (the others laugh at him behind his back, they think he's a pretty crap driver who runs every car he gets into the ground). so he needs a car to get to work. brother #3 has hidden his honda out of reach at brother #2's house. but brother #2 wasn't that lucky. his audi stays at our house, the plan is brother #5 should drive him to work and bring the car back (everyone knows brother #1 can't handle a giant audi). but no. brother #1 insists he can drive the car just fine.
at 6.45am today he sets off for work. the car won't start. so he bounds up the stairs and tries to wake brother #5 up. 'start the car for me, come on, wake up, i'm going to be late for work. get up get up get up.' 3 minutes later i hear someone really slamming the garage door shut, my room is above the garage, and the whole floor shook. then i hear the front door shut, and brother #5 stamps his feet up the stairs. he doesn't look very happy: 'i was half asleep and i drove into the garage door, innit.' the door isn't badly damaged, so one more thing to add to my to do list this weekend.
birthday present #1: the amazing live sea monkeys on mars. they hatched sometime yesterday, and the are lots of 'em (ok, about 10) just swimming about in this small tank. their first feeding day is saturday.
17 days left until jury service
75 days left for K to get her dress
to mark liverpool's win in the capital of culture business, K and I will speak only in liverpool accents today. until we get bored of it. but you can't get bored of brookside, innit.
this blog must never be brought to the attention of others at work (this means, you, jonathan). [link via dan.]
you know that RIP section on the bbc news website, where they do an obituary type thing (it's supposed to be funny) about something or other. this week it is (shock horror!) farley's rusks. thing is i don't know what is more tragic. the story itself or the reader contributions at the bottom of the page. nephew #2 and niece #3 are going to be very disappointed though.
this blog must never be brought to the attention of others at work (this means, you, jonathan). [link via dan.]
you know that RIP section on the bbc news website, where they do an obituary type thing (it's supposed to be funny) about something or other. this week it is (shock horror!) farley's rusks. thing is i don't know what is more tragic. the story itself or the reader contributions at the bottom of the page. nephew #2 and niece #3 are going to be very disappointed though.
sister #5 decided against getting a 'work experience' from here, fortunately. sister #4 managed to get her a place at claire's accessories. no contest really. her manager is this guy who calls her 'darlin' all day, then searches her bag when it's time to leave.
Happy Birthday! Ummm....that's it, actually. Happy Birthday. Hope the day doesn't degenerate into some horrendous social event, with people expecting you to have (dare I say it?) "fun" --- nobody deserves that.
thanks brian. and thank you K, for karaoke kim. everytime someone at work says happy birthday to me, they have to switch kim on. ha!
also, not one, not two, but three new tv series start today. i doubt i'll get to watch any of them though.
me: "i'm going to be 25 tomorrow."
brother #5: "eh? that means you're going to get married innit."
me: "no, i'm just going to be 25 dammit."
i don't know how this happened. really i don't.
thanks brian. and thank you K, for karaoke kim. everytime someone at work says happy birthday to me, they have to switch kim on. ha!
also, not one, not two, but three new tv series start today. i doubt i'll get to watch any of them though.
me: "i'm going to be 25 tomorrow."
brother #5: "eh? that means you're going to get married innit."
me: "no, i'm just going to be 25 dammit."
i don't know how this happened. really i don't.
day 10. that's right. i'm about to mention that show. i'm not actually going to say anything about the show itself, but it's the little clips they show before and after ad breaks. o2 are sponsors, and the format this year isn't annoying flies on the wall, but a pair of asian twins, called brother #1 and brother #2. uh-huh.