fudge it

the adventures of jig.

yesterday. 9.30pm. phone call from brother #4 (ringtone: in da club, innit). 'i'm staying at my friends house tonight.'
me: 'ooh. what are you going to smoke some stuff, or maybe even drink stuff?'
him: 'nah, i'm just gonna use his toothbrush.'
me: 'ok. piss off.'

he returned five minutes ago. he suffers from serious hay fever during summer, lucky bastard gets out of working in the garden every time. anyway. he looks like crap. ' i just been swimming, man.'
me: 'you? don't lie! bet you had to use them arm bands.'
him: 'well yeah ok. but guess where i went swimming?'
me: 'go on.'
him: 'bournemouth, innit!'

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finished!

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today i received an email from my friend mark. he left for canada two weeks ago:

Last night Henry, Harry and myself donned fake moustaches and went to this pub. Would you believe Senator John Manly walked in. Harry (who looked like a porn star with his moustache) was asking the Senator about Tony Blair whilst I was talking to his wife about female facial hair.

It was a drunken fiasco to which I was devastated not to have a camera.

we used to work together before i got to my current job. this one time, we were really busy, and i was going crazy phoning these places in france and spain telling them to get a move on when someone decides to phone my desk and not talk. mark. he thought it was funny. a few of the others thought it was funny. no, i didn't find it funny. when he left for lunch that day i turned absolutely everything on his desk back to front. pc, phone, in-trays etc. everything. when he came back, every time he turned stuff back round he'd say stuff like, 'when you put this pc back to front, did you find it funny bushra? when you put this phone back to front, did you find it funny, bushra?' yeah, for about five minutes, innit.

anyway. the painting job? 65% done. brother #4 walks in this evening and goes 'ah! i'm blind! everything is (looks at can of paint) pure brilliant white!' i didn't react that much, apparently the paint has a high 'volatile organic compound' level. combine that with the very high 'volatile organic compound' level in the white spirit and i really shouldn't be here.

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nothing to blog. nothing. except niece #3 took a giant bite out of a strawberry split, spat it out and started shrieking, 'hot! hot!'

wait. i got this cover for my phone. the last one looks pretty bashed up now. brother #1 has the same phone, only his has the blue cover still on it. he saw mine and said really loud 'ooh, nice co-ver!' all deadpan. but we all know that he's jealous, even if it is pink.

tomorrow i will paint the wood surfaces in the hall and on the stairs. what this really means is i'll also be painting the walls, the carpet, somehow my hair and most definitely the nieces. unless i cover them up in masking tape?

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hey K. look at the counter now. 83 days!

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day 3 of project p.w.c. (parents welcoming committee, stupid). on day 1 i mowed the lawn. twice. quite a few of the neighbours agreed that nothing but rain for the past few months has left our gardens looking like jungles. those of you saying, 'uh, how boring are you?' well. you try and forget the 150 x 30 ft 'patch' of grass sitting at the back of your house. and you know it's yours because there's a fence around it. on day 2, sister #5 and i screamed in horror and sometimes hysterics at the spiders we met while cleaning out the sheds (no chickens this year, cos of the rain), and the garage. and todays challenge. the posh living room. i'm too tired to go over it again, so i'm cutting and pasting a sent email.

i gave the posh living room a total clean out today. cleaned the windows. then i polished all the wood stuff. organised my dad's bookcase using the same obsessive compulsive disorder i had when i worked at the library. vacuumed the carpet then wiped down the skirting boards etc. then i set about cleaning the carpet by hand. our living room is about 20 feet long. you'd have been proud.

i should add the windows are in fact huge patio doors that make up one of the four walls of said living room.

today sister-in-law #1 asked me if i would work for the rest of my life. and in one of my 'shut-up-before-it-gets-any-worse' moments i said how she was better at having kids and cooking and cleaning and playing the wife than i could be. plus i don't want to waste away the rest of my life of having kids and cooking and cleaning and playing the wife. what i really should have said was 'yeah i am. it just isn't in me to hide in my room and sleep all day, while my daughters are at the mercy of my husband's sisters, or to keep a secret stash of toilet paper either. i mean, what the hell is that all about?'

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so i get this job, ok, and it's like, the next logical move for me to make, the next step up on the career ladder innit. so i sign their offer letter and send it back. but yesterday i saw a job advertised that a) is very close by, and b) something i've always wanted to do. i sort of used to do this job before, and i really enjoyed it. i start my new job after i do my jury service, mid-july. if i apply for the second job i saw, a job i know i can get, where would that leave job #1? K rightly pointed out that they could hold me to the acceptance letter, and now i haven't a clue what to do. fudge it.

typical of me to take a week off when it's half term. i have lots to do, working the garden, painting doors and stuff. part of project parents welcoming committee, that's if they ever do come back. and then back to work the following week. then i can relax.

jill: i never saw that edition of kilroy, someone emailed me about it. i remember studying capital punishment as part of my religious education gcse, and i still can't make up my mind.

argh! sister #5 and her friend from next door have burst into the kitchen. birthday presents a week early! i got a nice card, a stripy mug for my new job ('for your mochas'). plus a bag of sweets from thorntons, and one of these. flippin heck. too much excitement for one day.

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friday's thought. i'm going to miss working here. where else will i get emails like this?

Some people think that when the nuclear war has finished, only locusts will survive.

Some people think that when the nuclear war has finished, only cockroaches will survive.

Some people think that when the nuclear war has finished, only ants will survive.

But I think that when the nuclear war has finished, the only things to survive will be those f*cking people who get on the train and talk the arse off their unfortunate travelling partner at such volume that everybody can hear every tedious, stupid f*cking word they have to say.

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ok. who's the smartass? that link is dead now, but if you really really want the fat lady beatdown video, let me know.

xiao xiao 3. my favourite.

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the hospital. it's a like an online scary theme park ride.

we're doing a mailout at work. everyone is helping stuff 1800 giant envelopes. the thing is it's times like this when people you don't really talk to at work (and with good reason too) start talking about stuff. yesterday it was concerts people have been to. bay city rollers. alice cooper. genesis. sisters of mercy. J, K and i sat there in stunned silence, but stuffing envelopes all the same. J managed to sneak away because he couldn't take it anymore. and when someone noticed, i told them 'he had to leave early, he's going to see marilyn manson in concert.' and they all said at once 'really?' and i had to tell them no, not really. poor souls.

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they're practising horror movie screams next door. at least that's what it sounds like over my walkman.

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if you go to brian's blog, you'll find he's put up the craziest search engine referrals he's getting. what do i get? oh nothing. except cog dvd honda advert, honda advert, and my personal favourite: making of honda cog advert. you wouldn't know anything about this, would you brian? (if you want the honda advert, then go here.)

C-Note: Doctor Jones beats Fallopian Lobos, but does it beat (wait for it) Bookmaster Kool?

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brother #1 just laughed like a goat at brother #5's attempts to kill bowser at the end of super mario 64. then he offered him some crisps. cheesy snaps. cheeky git.

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no lullabies, just the hokey cokey

niece #3 can't sleep. so i give you her first ever blog post.


mnf.hn; .n. mnjhfjdl;aSv...m.m.m........m,m....M>m.m.M>L:>L:>mjvjnvb bbbbbbb`,,mjmk,0pj0j-


what can i say? she's gonna be a star.

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(i'm having a crap day today. i don't know why, i just am, and i don't seem to make any sense when i write or speak. so today i'm going to post an email i got yesterday from J, only it suspiciously looks like a proper blog entry to me)

'yes, fat lady beatdown is very amusing. the part i like best is where the fat lady is dragging the guy across the road, stopping intermittently to beat him some more. also, the part where the camera operator films the police car going straight past and then lingers on it as it disappears down the road is very funny. was that film really taken in 1993? it seems like yesterday. and i wasn't even there.

i have read the email from our new glorious leader. hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-uuuummmmmmmm. uuu-rrrmmm .

before i left the house this morning i caught a bit of kilroy, whose topic today was: should life mean life? i caught an exchange between woolly liberal priest and father of murdered daughter.

fomd: 'my daughter was murdered. she was skinned and decapitated. her tongue was cut out and she was dumped in a river. and she was five-and-a-half months pregnant.'
wlp: 'you've got to learn to forgive.'

the best thing that has happened all week is that i decided to see what my father's ghetto name is on rumandmonkey. from now on, he will be known as ass machine wack.'

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message sent

interview recollection #1.

the guy in charge says: 'well. this isn't the kind of IT helpdesk where people call us and say my PC isn't working. if they say that then we tell them tough. ' later he asks why i'd want to do this job.

i say 'because i want someone to call up and say their pc isn't working, and then i can tell them tough.'

i got the job too. thought you might want to hear it from me first.

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hmm...

one day i will link to the actual website for birmingham's city of culture bid. (i didn't know until yesterday but all external email we send out has a signature saying how we're proud to back the bid, and i've seen it on emails from my friends who work at other .orgs as well.) but today i was forwarded two alternative links. number 1. 'birmingham is not shit.' number 2. i haven't actually seen what this one is about yet, it takes ages to load on my tinny connection at home.

don't even think about asking me how my interview went. and i got my jury service paperwork today. remember that scene in magnolia where it's raining frogs?

and yet another thing: forget degrees in surfing, the matrix or whatever. what you want is texting for beginners.

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polyphonic arcade ringtones. for those of you who ever wanted sonic the hedgehog, bubble bobble or tetris on your phone (like i do), i'm doing you a favour here. free to download via their wap url if you have GPRS, innit.

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you know how sometimes you buy a paper or magazine because they're giving something (maybe useful, maybe cool) away with it? well, i bought the guardian on saturday. only because i saw this cool looking dvd peeking out of the plastic holding those extra magazines. it had that honda advert on it, it's called 'Cog' for the record. plus a making-of feature and a video of the sugarhill gang performing that song. i think it beats the free cd niece #1 got from the disney store on the same day, they're trying to get a disney radio station set up 'just for kids in birmingham.' total ap-cray.

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brian: I hope nobody sings to me on my birthday.
me: you remember work experience? spending two weeks in the last years of secondary school at a work place to find out what working is all about. sister #5 is coming to my office for two weeks. her first day? only the same day as my birthday! i don't know how much more of this i'm supposed to take before i finally stand on my desk and squawk like a mad chicken.
brian: It goes without saying that I want pictures.

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brother #4 invited niece #1 into the garden: 'let's go for a smoke.' it took brother #1, dad of said niece, a full 10 seconds for this invitation to register. i couldn't possibly repeat what brother #1 offered to do to brother #4.

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our poor supervisor has been away sick for two days, and the new guy at work just about managed to sit in his seat while J and I fall over laughing about the fact that K has still not got a wedding dress. she leaves for Bar-ba-dos mid-august. J asked her if she had a dress yet, and when she said no, he mentioned something about time running out. 'wait. i've got (she counts on her fingers) one-two-three months! three months!' she shrieks. and yes, i saw those tears in your eyes K. we set up a wedding list account on the M&S website. all she needs is a dress. and because she reads the blog religiously (you do, don't you?) i've set a reminder up on the blog header. to go with the one on our office whiteboard. and it says exactly the same thing. only in big blue letters. and i will be updating it. maybe even a daily announcement too.

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I don't know how you came to be here. You're a dickhead. Somebody would give you a really good job.

absolutely no pressure on my interview next week then.

when you 'actually do some work' at work, you come across some funny sounding stuff:

ticked male on form but female name and Bushra spoke to her and she definitely sounded female.

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kitabkhana: 'Books, reviews and literary news--Indian and otherwise--as blogged by The Babu.'

"Copies of the fifth Harry Potter were found in a field today. The Sun, where the books eventually landed, piously announced its intention to return the books to J K Rowling's publisher, Bloomsbury. (The Babu loves the Sun's old-fashioned, Hush-Hush style. And of course he knows that they would never, gasp, read the embargoed Fifth Potter. Not even take a peek. Those are men of honour in them thar hills.)"

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like my favourite halifax ad ever. even if it does have that howard in it, innit.
the house was a ghost town until about 30 seconds ago, and now brother #1, his wife and kids are staging a lahore kebab house invasion (they don't know it, but i call them the burger family. 'no dinner tonight? let's go to lahores!'). then again, they do make an exceedingly good fish masala.

[halifax link from popjustice, btw.]

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J: he's going to be 40 this year.
me: f*ck that. i'm going to be 25.

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trave-what?

we went to the shiny new sainsbury's a couple of hours ago. they have this travelator (just go with me on this, okay?). anyway, it's like those thingies you stand on in airports and it moves you along? well, this one is still flat but slopes upward, as the supermarket is above the car park. you park your car, you get the trolley you want, move it on to the travelator, which is also one super-duper magnet, so the trolley sticks to it and you can let go.

i put niece #3 in the baby seat and we go on ahead with her mum, while niece #1 and dad hit the cashpoint. i let go of the trolley, and start taking steps back, saying 'bye! bye! bye!' to my niece. the idea was that she freaks out because no-one is holding on to the trolley she's sitting in. then i look back and the dude behind me was not impressed. yeah yeah, bet you're going to do exactly the same thing when you take your kids for your weekly shop, mister.

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it's not all work, work, work

we have a new person starting today, he's going to be the boss of this place. and he's fifteen minutes late. not that i give a damn, i've got my own crap to deal with. i have a job interview soon, and it falls on the first day of a six month training course i'm going on. argh! i got stuck in rain on the way to work this morning, it doesn't help when the man in security (who must have seen my ID like, fifty times by now) demands to see some ID. in the end he got to see my bus pass, my ID and my banana card. dimwit. ooh look, the boss person has arrived, he looks very out of place. i wonder how long we'll be able to wear trainers here before he says something. oh yeah, and then i get a letter this morning. not just any letter. but a jury summons!!! what is it irene says in home and away? "gawd save us!"

boss person just laughed. not 'ha-ha-ha' but 'har-har-har.' get him.

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